Sarah Palin: Enough Star Power for Movies?
Posted by Maggie Van Ostrand (maggie@filmschoolrejects.com) on October 29, 2008
If McCain/Palin aren’t elected to office on November 4th, we can assume he will return to the Senate. But will returning to the job as Alaska’s governor be enough for Sarah after the spotlight’s glare, designer clothes, and make-up and hair experts have molded her into a star? The Hollywood Reporter doesn’t think so. When Hollywood talks, we listen.
What if remakes of popular movies were made to accommodate the talent Sarah has exhibited on Katie Couric, Hannity & Colmes, and SNL? FSR has come up with five interesting possibilities.
The Godfather (retitled “The Godfather’s Wife”)
Sarah Palin as Kay Adams, Michael’s wife. Daughter of a Baptist minister, Kay knew Michael from their college days at Dartmouth. Not Italian, she’s the ultimate outsider to the Corleone Family, much as the real Sarah considers herself to be outsider to Washington politics.
In Godfather II, a pregnant Kay begs her husband to go legit and give up the family business, but he can’t. Not wanting to bring another child into a life of crime, Kay gets an abortion, infuriating Michael into a smackdown. But Palin would never have an abortion because Roe v Wade would be retroactively overturned, and Kay and Michael would remain married. So Palin and Pacino retire from the family business and die in each other’s arms from exhaustion caused by playing too much Splatterhouse.
All About Eve
Sarah Palin as Eve Harrington, the character first seen hanging out by the stage door waiting for a glimpse of the play’s star, Margo Channing (Hillary Clinton). Eve, whose ability to hide her burning ambition behind a façade of innocence and adoration, worms her way into a position of confidante, assistant, and understudy to the older actress by feigning adulation and loyalty. Eve secretly enlists the unwitting help of Margo’s inner circle to derail Channing’s finest acting opportunity, turning it into her own acting triumph.
Margo Channing is not given the great lines originally written for her by Joe Mankiewicz, like “Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night!” “Heaven help me. I love a psychotic!” and “Peace and quiet is for libraries.” They now belong to Eve. Palin also insisted that Eve retain the line “If nothing else, there’s applause … like waves of love pouring over the footlights,” quipping, “It’s just like the Republican Convention!”
Gone With The Wind
As Scarlett O’Hara in a proposed GWTW remake skewed to Sarah Palin’s talents, Scarlett declines to have Mammy sew her a new costume out of mom Ellen O’Hara’s green velvet draperies and instead takes $150,000 in gold from Rhett Butler (Joe the Plumber) and flies to Neiman Marcus in Dallas and Sak’s Fifth Avenue in Manhattan on a jet she bought on eBay. When her fetching new outerwear of endangered species fur is criticized by Mammy and Prissy as being too extravagant, Scarlett retorts that she shot the animals herself from a ‘copter, sold them to Pelts R Us for curing and cutting, and bought them back at a discount.
A new finale had to be written so Scarlett could keep Rhett, though they were battling bitterly and close to divorce by the end. It was rumored that the fights were because Palin insisted on taking Rhett’s last line for herself and changing it to “I don’t give a gosh darn.”
Joan d’Alaska
A somewhat revised story originally entitled Joan d’ Arc tells of a 15th Century French farm girl who hears voices from Heaven asking her to lead God’s Army against Orleans and crown a weak Dauphin Charles VII as King of France.
Traveling all over the country in Scarlett’s borrowed fur coat, Joan d’Alaska convinces fans with her faith in the voices, witnessed by a witch doctor who accompanies her as opening act. Her supporters form an army and follow her to conquer Orleans. Ready to take on Paris, Joan is ultimately sold out by corrupt politicians and after languishing in a French prison, she is burned at the stake. Her last words were “I am not afraid for I can see snowy Russia from this flaming pole.”
Wizard of Oz
Palin would play Dorothy as pregnant. “This will make the entire film modern,” advised Palin, “appealing to kids everywhere.” Palin insisted on changing the Kansas location to Wasilla where people are “real Americans.”
Wizard II will feature Karl Rove as the Wicked Witch, John McCain as Tin Man, Joe Lieberman as Scarecrow, Ted Stevens as Cowardly Lion and Rush Limbaugh as all the winged monkeys.
Governor Palin has also expressed interest in starring in and directing Bonnie Without Clyde.
Read more articles by Maggie Van Ostrand
