Movies that Suck: Dead Men Jogging!

Posted by Danny Gallagher (danny@filmschoolrejects.com) on May 22, 2007

Richard Roeper, who isn’t a movie critic but plays one on TV, recently said on an episode of “Ebert & Roeper” that zombies make the worst movie monsters. It was at that moment that I put aside my personal, stubborn beliefs, got down on my knees and reconnected with God because I prayed real hard for a real zombie outbreak just to prove Mr. Roeper wrong.

That’s because Roeper is, in fact, wrong. Frankenstein may have super human strength, Dracula may be able to convince a woman to do his bidding and the Wolfman may have teeth sharp enough to open CD packaging, but zombies are the most dangerous of the movie monsters because they possess the most deadly trait a monster can possess, teamwork. Zombies stick together. Zombies use their masses to their advantage. Zombies put aside their personal differences, political biases and ethnic backgrounds to come together, stand next to each other and take on their problems as one. Then they try to wipe out humanity as we know it.

I’m a big fan of zombie movies. They terrify and enthrall me all at the same time, just like a prom date. Horror movies aren’t my favorite type of flick, but just about any movie with walking dead in it will get my attention. They aren’t just scary, dark and even funny to watch. Zombies are my heroes.

You never see one zombie going after humans. Zombies work as a team. They teach the importance of cooperation, togetherness and working with their fellow man to set goals (eat human flesh), develop an achievement plan (slowly amble towards the living and moan) and achieve those goals (eat human flesh). Just imagine how many important lessons our children could learn if a zombie outbreak occurred on “Sesame Street.”

But not all zombies are created equal. Like my beer, breakfast cereal and foot deodorant, I’m also terribly picky about my brand of zombies.

Zombies cannot run. They are dead. Their bodies have suffered from years of rigamortis and deterioration. Zombies don’t get up at the crack of dawn and jog three miles to train for a 3K fun run to send human flesh to starving families in Ethiopia. Even the undead Jesse Owens shuffles towards his victims at 3 moans per hour.

It’s not a pet peeve. It’s not a minor complaint. It’s not just a friendly disagreement. It’s a fact that when questioned causes full blown psychotic episodes, mental seizures, blood that can rush to my head so fast it can defy the laws of gravity and at least three misdemeanor counts of terroristic threat.

Not long ago, I was at the bar with some friends and one of them mentioned they wanted to see “28 Weeks Later.” Our conversations in bars usually don’t involve any women.

I really didn’t have any interest in it because the “rage infected” masses run, so I started my argument. I established a thesis statement, backed it up with scientifically tested evidence and made verbal footnotes to George Romero’s zombie trilogy and all I ended up proving is why our conversations in bars usually don’t involve any women.

I know it’s a silly thing. There are bigger things to be pickier about: my choices for federal offices, stricter diet and exercise regimens in public schools, tougher punishments for child support dodging parents, more affordable health care, funding for scientific research that eliminates all known diseases and human suffering, separation of church and state, separation of state and church, separation of Carlos Mencia and every microphone on Earth and beer prices.

I like to think it’s the silly things that help define the kind of people who love spending so much time watching and scrutinizing their favorite movies, very angry, lonely, picky people.

Read more articles by Danny Gallagher