Mister Hand’s Perfect Movie

Posted by Mister Hand (misterhand@filmschoolrejects.com) on August 15, 2007

I’m getting older now, and I get a little fatter with each passing year. And I have other habits that are bound to lead to my early demise. So I’m offering this as an open letter to any movie producer who might want to help a guy out. Here is a suggested recipe that someone could follow to give me my perfect movie experience–preferably before I am dead.

The Genre:

I like my genre’s mixed up real good. The zom-rom-com has already been done with Sean of the Dead, or else that would be perfect. Maybe a sci-fi-rom-com-zom-ticking bomb? Or an action/adventure/torture porn? How about a romantic revenge comedy?

The Story:

The story should come from a visionary–a George Lucas type. Someone who is great with the broad strokes, even if he isn’t so great when it comes down to the actual writing. If you can get Lucas, that’d be great. If not, you might get in touch with George Romero or The Wachowski Brothers.

The following elements should be included in the story:

1) The story should take place in the future. Or in an alternate reality, or any setting that will allow people to drive flying cars.

2) There should be at least one hot chick who can kick serious ass and also gets naked. When she’s not naked ( and these should be rare occassions), she should be wearing something slight, tight, and leathery. Maybe she has secret powers that she can only use when she’s totally nude (like Ghost in the Shell).

3) The protagonist should be a loner with a misogynist streak. Whatever violent activity he does for a living, he’s the best at it. But it’s lonely at the top, and his lonlieness is something that only the chick who’s wearing something slight, tight, and leathery when she’s not naked can cure. He can’t have sex with her onscreen, however, because that’s what I’m going to want to do with her in my fantasies later at home after the credits have rolled. And I don’t do “mansomes.”

4) Besides the main hot chick who kicks serious ass, there should be another chick who’s more down-to-earth and cute. She should also get naked at least once.

5) In fact, nudity is encouraged all around. But no man-ass, please.

6) If there are explosions, they should only be caused by the bad guys, and the thing that explodes should be something near and dear to the protagonist’s heart (like, maybe, the down-to-earth cute chick) so he’s extra pissed off in the last act before he tracks down the main villain.

7) The hot chick should totally not mind that the protagonist is into the cute chick. In fact, some time before the cute chick gets blown up, the hot chick should at least suggest a threesome.

8) The hot chick should have a British accent.

9) Kate Beckinsale.

10) At some point, somebody should get gutted Braveheart-style, but I want to see the guts, please.

The Director:

Even the best story can fall to pieces in the hands of the wrong director. Takashi Miike would be quite a coup, but the language barrier might make things more difficult than necessary. So the best choice would probably be Guillermo Del Toro.

The Screenplay:

My first choice to write the screenplay based on the Lucas/Romero/Wachowski story would be Danny Boyle. That guy can riff on my favorite genres like Miles Davis riffing on… whatever he chooses to riff on (damn, I suck so hard at jazz metaphors). If you can’t get Danny Boyle, then I would appreciate it if you could please raise Akira Kurosawa or Stanley Kubrick from the grave for this project. The screenplay should then be punched up by Quentin Tarantino, Judd Apatow, and Joss Whedon. (But please don’t give Whedon a credit or else his creepy uber-fans might flood the premier with their browncoats and ruin it for me.)

The Movie:

The pacing of Mister Hand’s perfect film might follow the timeline detailed below:

0:00 - 30:00: Characters are introduced. Female characters are introduced naked, or get naked shortly following introduction so we’re not distracted all the way through the rest of the movie wondering if they’re going to get naked. Our hero should be introduced brooding while eating Chinese takeout. Before he’s done eating his meal, someone should menace him at gunpoint and put him in a flying car. There should be at least three minutes of “flying car time” so we get a feel for our futuristic/alternate reality setting.

30:00 - 1:00:00: The story’s main “problem” should make itself known. I’m thinking something where the world is at imminent peril–like the Earth is going to explode or something. The main villain, the one responsible for the diabolical “exploding Earth” plot, is introduced. He should have some sort of deformity that serves as an outward manifestation of the blackness that has crippled his soul. This deformity has also given him the desire to explode the Earth. When we first see him, he is torturing somebody because they either meddled in or bungled part of his plot to kill everyone. His main henchperson should be a super hot evil chick who can kick some serious ass and gets naked and likes to torture people. She likes to see things blow up, so she’s all for exploding the Earth. She should have a couple of over-muscled bodyguards who we know our regular-sized hero is going to take down in some way that makes their brains go “squish.” Super hot evil chick is not to be confused with the “good” hot chick who can kick some serious ass and mostly remains naked in order to call up her special abilities.

1:00:00 - 1:15:00: Naked girlfight!

1:16:00 - 1:30:00: Sexy lesbian flashback. Our hot chicks have history.

1:31:00 - 1:45:00: After good hot chick suggests a threesome with our hero and cute chick, hero gets pissed off (because he’s got work to do and doesn’t have time for crazy woman shit right now, dammit) and storms out of his apartment, leaving hot chick to school cute chick in the ways of woman love.

1:45:00 - 2:00:00: Protagonist meets up with evil hot chick in dark alley. She suggests they have sex, but they fight instead (because our hero knows the sex would only lead to him getting tied up, burnt with candle wax, and abandoned at some motel in the sticks with the bill unpaid–and he’s not falling for that shit again). Evil hot chick gets the best of hero. She kidnaps and tortures him. She cuts off both of his thumbs before he gets loose and guts one of her bodyguards with a serrated knife (which means he’s pretty friggin’ badass, because he does it with no thumbs!). The bodyguard is left trying to shove his guts back in his belly and screaming like a banshee. Hero makes the other bodyguard’s brains go “squish” (just like we knew he would). Our hero kicks evil hot chick’s ass. She dies and our hero flashes back to a time when he saw her naked. They have history.

2:01:00 - 2:02:00: Our hero has a long moment to brood and I get a moment to wonder if I’m not psychologically imbalanced in some way that I don’t care to see any healthy, natural sex and only want to see chicks getting it on with each other. In between scenes of bloody violence. And torture.

2:03:00 - 2:04:00: Screw it. Therapy is for crybabies.

2:05:00 - 2:15:00: Cute chick explodes. She’s naked when it happens. Hero (with new mechanical thumbs that shoot missiles) and hot chick make a journey to infiltrate the villain’s secret lair. This follows our hero having a briefing with some government commando squad that is providing backup for the assault. This gives me a chance to take a short nap without missing any crucial details or nudity.

2:16:00 - 2:30:00: The secret lair is infiltrated. (NOTE: Secret lair should be awesome and full of puzzles.) Hero and villain come face to face and battle it out with guns and swords.

2:31:00 - 2:40:00: Villain turns into a giant, slimy monster (because Del Toro doesn’t make a movie unless there’s a monster on the call sheet). Hot chick helps hero take the monster down. Secret lair explodes from thumb missiles slamming into a nuke, which the villain happened to have lying around. Hero and hot chick escape after outrunning fire.

2:41:00 - 2:43:00: Our hero and hot chick are left in the ocean on a raft. Hot chick is naked because her clothes burned up. Hero does not offer to cover her with his jacket because he’s not a girly man and wants to study her naked body at leisure, just like us.

2:44:00 - 2:46:00: End credits.

2:46:00 - 2:48:00: Post-end credits nude chick retrospective with soft girl on girl caresses.

Okay, so it’s a little long. But there’s time in there for a nap, so it’s all good. Plus, how can a movie that features lots of hot naked chicks and lesbian sex ever be too long?

So there it is. My perfect movie.

If any movie producers wish to contact me about this dream project, I’ll be at home. Watching porn.

Read more articles by Mister Hand