If Big Corporations Made Movies… Part One

Posted by Josh Radde (josh@filmschoolrejects.com) on June 26, 2008

FSR Editor Neil Miller, in one of his most inspired pieces of writing, confessed that even if Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen is a big ol’ GM commercial there’s really nothing wrong with that. Neil, an avid and blind Michael Bay supporter ’til the day he dies, defends that without the corporate sponsorship of GM, the first Transformers movie could’ve had terrible special effects. And personally I agree with him. Corporations have been a huge part in relieving some financial considerations on the studios.

For instance, take every James Bond movie that’s come out in the last decade and a half. Can you not buy Bond’s car? Can you not wear Bond’s watch? If you were to travel to all the exotic destinations James Bond has to in the film, could you not accrue frequent flyer miles using your Capital One card? Without these various sponsorships we wouldn’t have James Bond movies.

Now, I can see where this would be a problem, too. If GM told Michael Bay what to write, then the corporations would be taking on a creative role. That would be no good. “Hey, if you use our cars, here’s a big fat check. Just be sure to mention how many cup holders are in the back seat.” If Shia LaBeouf were to say to Bumblebee “Thank God you’re a fully loaded, patented-leather interior, all-wheel-drive Chevy Camaro,” I would take alms with the creative team for letting their sponsors control things.

But while we’re waiting for our two-hour Chevy commercial, let’s play our favorite Hollywood game—the “What if” game! Let’s ask ourselves “If corporations could make movies, what would be their plots?” The FSR Staff and I got together for a mind-molding session and came up with these potential blockbusters:

The year is 2138. The “apocalypse” is upon us, and one company has the courage to create a Super Computer called “The Brain” that all humans must plug into in order to survive. The task won’t be easy though, because all of their service agents will only be able to go to people’s houses sometime between 11am and 4pm . . . and they’ll probably just leave a note without ringing the doorbell. Can humanity come together in electronic bliss or will the world end before we can all plug in? From visionary director Gore Verbinski comes COMCASTIC. Will YOU be plugged in?

In 1979, Abel Ferrera starred in and directed a movie that drilled us to the bone. A movie where the blood runs in rivers . . . and the DRILL keeps tearing through flesh and bone. But you ain’t seen what power can do! In 2008, a resourceful maniac, equipped with only his Craftsman 11536 14.4 Volt Cordless Drill, will seek his revenge, in Eli Roth’s remake—The Driller Killer! You better pray his battery runs out before he reaches you, BUT THAT’S NOT LIKELY!

Frank is a father with too many children and a son destined to walk in the very same Nike shock shaped footsteps of his own father. Determined to not abandon any of his dozens of illegitimate children or their mothers, Frank’s life is spiraling out of control. In this heartwarming and uplifting tale, Frank decides to use his last few dollars ($119.99) to buy a new pair of running shoes and become America’s next big track and field star. With newfound fame and fortune he will be certain to outrun his child support payments. From Cameron Crowe, with a poignant soundtrack featuring Elton John, Bob Dylan, Peter Gabriel, and music by Nancy Wilson—Just Do It: Literally.

Director Terry Gilliam brings us a dark fictional account of the fall of Communism. Citizens are hungry and want more from life, and demand more from the country that is keeping them from having all the things they want. On one fateful day, a man decided to sell his bread for more money than it was worth. Soon hundreds would follow suit. Before long, thousands of citizens were selling things that weren’t even theirs. Eventually their entire world became a marketplace, and only the secret military group, The Paypals, were able to keep the country from ripping itself to pieces. This summer, for a negotiable price, you can wrap your eyes around eBay: The Movie.

Follow the story of Penney (Jessica Alba). She is a girl who has everything in life, a great job, amazing friends and a hard working metabolism. She is missing just one thing, a husband! Her friends don’t understand how a beautiful CEO can’t find love. Penney is looking for more than just a man, she needs a man that can look inside, instead of at her polished exterior. One day on her way to the office Penney meets a man sketching in the park and for the first time in here life, she doesn’t know what to do. Clark (Paul Giamatti) isn’t the best looking guy, but after one day of shopping at Penney’s favorite department store, the two fall in love. Rob Reiner presents It’s All Inside.

Substitute Penney with a character named “Sara Sears” and Clark with “David Roebuck” and you have The Softer Side of Sears.

In Part Two of this article, we’ll examine more of what corporations mean to filmmaking and also examine what a trailer for a corporate film would be like.

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