I Hate You Alec Baldwin

Posted by Brian C. Gibson (brian@filmschoolrejects.com) on March 18, 2007

Sit back, relax, and try to think of the last good movie that you saw starring Alec Baldwin.

Don’t worry, I also gave up and went on with my life. My hatred for this “actor” began when I first visited his official website. The first thing that caught my eye, was the welcome message:

“Welcome to the Official Alec Baldwin website. This is the only authorized website for one of the entertainment industry’s most recognized actors.”

Can he get sued for false advertising? Navigating this site without laughing is truly an exercise in self control. Garnishing the site is an assortment of flamboyant Sears Photo Center portraits that make Baldwin look like a desperate shaving cream model. Seriously, it must be difficult to harbor his late 80’s super hunk image from the inevitable aging process. Everyone knows that it was his looks and the mystique of his family name carried him into Hollywood stardom, not his acting. Alec’s downward slope from being a 1980’s super hunk into a year 2000 South Beach Diet ad is not all that uncommon. The failed transition from the 80’s into the 90’s has claimed many, and only a few have survived this dreaded phenomenon.

I call this phenomenon “80’s Hot.” Alec Baldwin is not the only soul afflicted with this horrible distinction. Patrick Swayze, Tony Danza, Jeff Bridges, Mathew Broderick, Patrick Dempsey, Judd Nelson, Corey Feldman/Haim, Emelio Esteves, Charlie Sheen, and really anyone from the John Hughes movies of the 80’s have fallen victim to this tragic misfortune. I always flip through the channels and see a movie starring someone from the 80’s who barely exists anymore and can not help but think, “why did anyone think he was good looking or even talented for that matter?” Alec Baldwin however is fighting back!

This brings me to another mystery. The Internet Movie Database recognizes Alec’s involvement in almost 80 different roles since 1963. Though according to his official website, Baldwin has only been involved in 7 films. It is clear from the exceedingly selective filmography exhibited in his official website, that he only wants fans to recognize certain roles. This peculiar decision poses the question:

Why would “one of the entertainment industry’s most recognized actors” sell himself short by only promoting 7 of his feature films?

The films were possibly selected to show that Alec, having a high sense of integrity, will only accept prime roles…or maybe, just maybe, this is an attempt to self manufacture prestige with chance roles working next to Hollywood’s true elite. The listed films have a tendency to be roles in which Baldwin supports a much more respected thespian. He worked next to Sir Anthony Hopkins in The Edge, aside Sean Connery in The Hunt For Red October, and finally with William H. Macy in Ghosts of Mississippi, State and Main and The Cooler. Alec’s work in State and Main was also alongside recent Oscar winner Philip Seymour Hoffman. Finally one of Alec’s scarce great performances came while working with an all star cast of Jack Lemmon, Al Pacino, Kevin Spacey, and Ed Harris in Glengarry Glen Ross. Why would Alec Baldwin not want his fans to know about the genius he exhibited in other stellar roles of the 90’s such as The Shadow, his role on “Thomas The Tank Engine & Friends,” or his unforgettable six episode endeavor as the host of the hit TV show “Raw Footage.”

I can not lie about his performances in Glengarry Glen Ross or The Cooler being very well played, but why is it that all of his roles require the same raspy voice? And for all of you casting directors out there…who would have thought that if you cast a jerk to play a jerk, you would get good results? Alec, where is your range? What other roles can you play? Why is your tone of voice always low, scratchy, and menacing? Alec’s roles in Nickelodeon’s “Fairly Odd Parents” and The Spongebob Squarepants Movie were possibly efforts to expand his acting prowess, or possibly just he needed money after his divorce with Kim Basinger.

Alec has been known for saying the wrong things, and making douche bag moves. Like when he described his childhood job of being a busboy at the infamous Studio 54, he said that he quit because all the sex around him “was making me too horny.” Not many people remember his comments on the lost Conan O’Brien episode on December 11, 1998 when he made a statement regarding the impending impeachment of President Bill Clinton, which he later referred to as a “parody.” He said that “if we were in another country … We would stone Henry Hyde to death and we would go to their homes and we’d kill their wives and their children. We would kill their families.” NBC has promised never to re-air the show.

End of story, I hate you Alec Baldwin. I hate your ridiculous poses for the camera. I hate the way you regard yourself as a distinguished Hollywood actor. Most of all I hate your man carpet that you always so confidently find a way to expose during photo opportunities. For the sake of mankind Alec, button your top button and find a home in a cave without the means to communicate to humanity. Try some halls, and maybe your throat will clear up.

Read more articles by Brian C. Gibson