Hollywood Comedy: Ball Park Cheese

Posted by Mister Hand (misterhand@filmschoolrejects.com) on July 10, 2007

What is ball park cheese? It’s that orangey cheese product they pour over nachos at the ball park. It is purposefully made to taste as bland as possible so that it will appeal to the broadest possible spectrum of tastes.

In other words, it is manufactured to be non-offensive to all, but super tasty to none.

And that is what Hollywood is shooting for with comedy lately. Sure, there are good comedies coming out of Hollywood here and there. Not long ago, the girlfriend and I saw Knocked Up and it was great. But the last really good comedy I saw before that was The 40-Year Old Virgin (not surprisingly, both films by Judd Apatow). These are movies with wit, heart, and a healthy dose of nudity and profanity. They are not ball park cheese.

Ball park cheese comedies are the ones that have huge, multi-million dollar budgets (usually going mostly to the stars and superfluous special effects). They are generally rated PG or PG-13 to attract the largest possible audience.

And they suck.

I’ve now seen trailers for two classic examples of ball park cheese comedies. The first is I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Granted, I haven’t seen the film, but shouldn’t a trailer for a comedy be at least a little bit funny? This one wasn’t. It was anti-funny.

The second is Evan Almighty. It takes real effort to make Steve Carrell unfunny, but if the trailer is any indication, the makers of Evan have succeeded. And the reviews that have emerged since the film’s release seem to support my thesis.

By now, even those of us who haven’t seen it know what Evan Almighty is all about. And I’m sure I Now Prounounce You Chuck and Larry will be more of the same–low-brow, relatively clean humor, stock characters, and a neatly-wrapped happy ending where everyone learns a lesson about being a better human being and blah, blah, blah. In other words, utterly pointless. But they will, I’m sure, make a gazillion dollars. The opening for Evan Almighty was apparently disappointing, but no worries. The film will recoup its losses on home video after taking up a full ninety cubits on Blockbuster’s new release wall (or, as I like to call it, “The Wall of Cheese”).

The reason for this is simple. People like ball park cheese. If people didn’t like ball park cheese, the nacho vendors would go out of business.

But people don’t really like ball park cheese. It’s comfort food. Even though it pretty much sucks, they eat it anyway. And then they say, “Well, that was good,” as they lick the inoffensive product from their fingers.

Smacking on it.

Smack, smack.

Like it’s real cheese.

But it’s not real cheese. It’s a processed orange goo that bears only the slightest resemblance to real cheese.

The reason I find all of this annoying is because it actually affects my life. My girlfriend runs into someone who is still licking the processed orange stuff of a film like The Break Up from their fingers. She says, “Oh, how was that?” And they say, “It was great!”

Smack, smack.

So then my girlfriend rents The Break Up and I have to watch it.

Boy, did that movie suck. Never in my life did I actually think I would utter the phrase, “Jennifer Aniston was the only good thing in that movie.” But I said it. And I didn’t mean it as a compliment.

Before The Break Up, the ball park cheese movie I was forced to endure was Wedding Crashers. Needless to say, no matter how good he was in Swingers and Dodgeball, I’m all done with Vince Vaughan.

Here’s a shout out to my fellow discerning film buffs: If it’s a comedy with a huge budget, big stars, and if it’s rated PG or PG-13, the odds are ten to one it’s ball park cheese. Don’t waste your time. Stay away. Part of the success claimed by these comedies is they somehow have the ability to draw in people who should know better.

Not too long ago I was at a ball game, and for some reason I looked at that picture of the nachos and thought, “You know, that actually looks kinda good.” I bought the nachos. I took two bites and realized I was a dumbass.

Never again.

We can beat ball park cheese if we all band together. We’re adults. We actually like to use our brains a little when going to the movies.

So we need a plan. Here’s a rundown of what to avoid. As mentioned, stay far away from big-budget studio comedies rated PG or PG-13.

Also, avoid the following:

1) Any comedy starring Jane Fonda, or any other washed-up actor or actress best-known for their work in dramas or in nudie science fiction films. (Robert DeNiro in a comedy? Name a good one. Name one. I dare you. And if you say Meet the Fockers, then you just keep on enjoying your processed cheese product.)

2) Romantic comedies not written, directed, and/or produced by Judd Apatow.

3) Avoid any film starring Vince Vaughan until he makes something that’s good enough to redeem himself for his recent crap.

4) As much as I hate to say it, go ahead and add Owen Wilson to the “avoid” list. That nose just gets freakier and freakier with every movie anyway.

5) Avoid any movie with a critic’s blurb in the ad proclaiming it to be “Sweet,” “Heartwarming,” or “Fun for the whole family”–or any other such Joel Siegel-isms.

6) Avoid Steve Martin. God, I hate that it’s true, but you must avoid anything that stars Steve Martin.

7) Avoid Rob Scheider. He’s not really ball park cheese. His stuff just really sucks.

8) Does it go without saying you should avoid any comedy based on a character or premise first premiered on Saturday Night Live? Or did we already defeat that bastard child of Hollywood comedy?

9) I think I Now Prounounce You Chuck and Larry will show that we can safely add Adam Sandler to the “avoid” list. He’s been hovering for a while now.

10) Here’s one that should definitely go without saying: if the trailer isn’t funny, don’t go see the friggin’ movie! Holy Mother of Peanut Butter, people! A comedy trailer is supposed to be showing you the funniest bits in the movie! If they’re not funny, then the movie isn’t funny! You can’t always tell from the trailer if a movie is going to be good, but you can sure as hell most of the time tell if the movie is going to suck.

Maybe I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry will prove me wrong and just be all sorts of hilarious.

I doubt it.

Who wants to bet me?

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