Commentary Track
Dear Hollywood, Stop Raping My Childhood
Posted by Joshua Martin (joshua@filmschoolrejects.com) on August 21, 2007
Dear Hollywood Producers, Writers and Directors:
I’m writing this letter to you, in hopes it finds you in the middle of JLA, Superman 6, or whatever bastardization of TMNT you think will sell you a few movies. I’m taking a stand. If I wanted my childhood molested any more… I’d offer it candy and a seat in the back of my Jeep.
Electra, Daredevil, X-Men: The Last Stand, Spawn, Dick Tracy, The Hulk… Okay, this list is already pissing me off. I’m a 24-year-old guy sitting behind the computer I paid for — I realize that other than the occasional episode of Rocco’s Modern Life that I see, I really have gotten past the childhood I had. Occasionally I go back to the nostalgia of seeing my He-Man set, and Castle Greyskull, or the GI Joe hovercrafts. I have a few Lion-o minis in moving boxes, but that’s the extent. Why can’t we be happy with that? No, you just can’t, can you?
What the hell? X3 was a big steaming pile of cinematic feces. I defy anyone here to find a comic book where Cyclops dies and it’s still the freaking X-Men. Electra stunk of gay so badly, that even blockbuster can’t give it away fast enough. The Hulk? Yeah.. that went over well. My childhood is taking a brutal sphincter pounding, so I’m standing up for it.
League Of Extraordinary Gentleman, Catwoman, Judge Dredd, and Howard the Duck all had comic book fans, and how did they do? They flamed out and crashed in slow, painful box office deaths. Honestly, how much better was GI Joe, or Captain Planet when I was little and watched it the first time? I woke up one day and realized that I used to watch a show that involved the superpower “heart†and it made me question not only my sexuality, but the sensibilities of parents worldwide.
You’ll never make movies cooler than they were in the comics. There are occasional aberrations that are $200 million investments because they have to be. Transformers was a mega movie; if it wasn’t, it never would have worked. You’ll never put that much effort into any of the comics I used to love. I’ll reference Batman and Robin if you doubt me.
And now a fellow Reject, Paige just informed me that Thor and Voltron are also in the writing stages of production. That’s it. One is a pre-Power-Rangers robot which was incredibly overrated and painful to watch. The other is a Pseudo-fag with a long blonde mane who will bring his hammer of might and… give you a… pounding… with.. Okay, I can’t finish that.
All in all, do you see where I’m going, Hollywood? For every Transformers, there is Tank Girl, Howard the Duck, and Barb Wire. Don’t put a leash and gimp mask on my childhood. It has been raped enough by teen Hollywood fashion and new TV. If you decide to run train on the remnants of my childhood, lube up and go. Just know, I won’t stand for it.
Crying Rape Against Your Brutish Ways,
Joshua Martin
Reject
P.S. If you’re going to rape my childhood this much, then where the hell is my Carmen Sandiego movie?! Come ON, guys!
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10 Comments
August 22nd, 2007 at 11:44 pm
WAAAAAAA!!!!! WAAAAAAA!!!!!!! WAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
August 22nd, 2007 at 11:48 pm
man, who said you ever had to spend your life watching movies and television, go outside. or you could even rent old movies or watch old tv series on the internet there is an endless supply of awesome stuff out there, your complaint is not in the least bit valid.
August 22nd, 2007 at 11:51 pm
Boohoo. Sit down and STFU.
August 22nd, 2007 at 11:57 pm
wow dude thats lame.
didnt you ever go outside or think creatively outside the television as a child?
i mean seriously, hollywood was out of ideas long before they started re-making television shows that were on in our childhood. in fact, its one of the reasons hollywood is on the west coast, because it was far away from new york and copyright lawyers who didnt like hollywood making film versions of theatrical productions without paying a fee to the copyright holder. its not like your whiny post is going to change how theyve always made their money.
also, you could have read a damn book growing up, man.
the only books from my childhood that have been turned into films was the lord of the rings franchise. and honestly, that was a brilliant set of movies.
finally, i dont know about you, but when i go back to view that stuff i loved as a kid, yes i still have nostalgia for it, but no, i dont care for it. every cartoon i used to love is absolutely horrible looking at it with the eyes of an adult.
you can have your childhood raped by growing up and then realizing your childhood was full of force-fed marketing for plastic toys which sucked almost as bad as the cartoons but you made your parents shell out the cash for them anyway because you were too young to realize how easily you were falling for a basic marketing ploy.
anyway, quit fucking whinging.
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:39 am
These first few posters are idiots. You get kudos in my book for a smooth sales pitch. They didn’t get that you were trying to pitch a movie for Carmen Sandiego, hich is actually a really smart idea, it would be a pretty relevant movie for 20-somethings.
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:05 pm
Would you like some cheese with your whine?
RAPING? A little over the top. But seriously yes they make bad movies but it could be much much worse. Just be happy that once in a while a really good one does pop up.
August 27th, 2007 at 8:20 pm
Boo, you whore.
Cry me a river.
August 29th, 2007 at 12:01 am
[...] Dear Hollywood, Stop Raping My Childhood [...]
December 27th, 2007 at 7:11 pm
[...] this summer’s “Transformers” movie sucked, it might have been less because my childhood was being raped and more because there’s a pretty low ceiling to how good a movie about Transformers can [...]
June 4th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
dude, obsessed with ‘the gay’ a bit much? gay doesn’t equal lame cause if it did you’d be a screaming flaming homo, or maybe you are.