Tweet

Shut. Up. Please. No, not you. The guy next to you. Ok forget the games, let’s just get to it. I’m talking about the person who, during the movie, must have some defective part of the brain preventing them from A) understanding the movie, B) whispering, and C) waiting to find out what’s going on.

I know fully that some movies can be hard to understand. Things get confusing, but guess what. If it’s a fucking confusing movie, odds are I’ve got my shit in a twist too and can’t answer your question, so don’t ask. No questions. No talking. Just enjoyment. I don’t know why she just double-crossed him. Oh wait, 15 seconds later someone gave us the on-screen answer. “Ohhhhhhh! That’s what I thought!” First, no you didn’t. Second, shut up.

Talking during movies doesn’t sit well with me at all. I’ve broken up with a girl over it, well there was some other stuff going on too, but she talked during movies and I said to myself, Nah, this ain’t happenin. I speak jive when I’m upset.

Now, I won’t ostracize you from the theater for just one infraction. Or if you went to the potty and missed something, but don’t expect a full explanation. If Jesus was watching the movie with me, left to pee, came back and said “What did I miss?” and he in fact missed some crazy ass shit going on, I’d say “Not much” and go back to the movie to avoid talking and ruining the experience for others. Sorry, Jesus, should have gotten the Medium Mountain Dew.

Equally bad, or maybe a little worse, is the “Oh did you get that” guy. The “Wait What Just Happened?” (WWJH) person is coming from an innocent desire to understand, or perhaps forgot their hearing aide. The “ODYGT” guy is the one who, using his amazing deductive abilities has figured out exactly what the movie just told me. He’s got no insight, it’s just when Steven Seagal says “You’ve kidnapped my daughter” this guy will turn to you and say “Ohhh, the girl in the beginning was Seagal’s daughter.” Yes. It was. Idiot.

Now I’m not trying to be a complete Nazi here, but I really don’t think you should talk during a movie. If I’m confused or missed something, I just sit on it and ask someone after the movie. Odds are if it was important you’ll learn the answer either through repetition or plot device. So sit tight, please, and wait for the answer to come to you. Or if you’ve figured it out, shut the fuck up. We have too. Now in the rare case someone figures out the movie quickly (Bruce Willis is dead) you should never ever say that out loud. Because that is literally a movie-ruiner, not just an annoyance.

So what can you do? Express satisfaction quietly, and only to your friends, and rarely. Tap someone on the leg, nod and smile your approval, or give a thumbs up. Or roll your eyes, I guess, whatever, if you hate it. But in almost all instances, stay quiet. The exception is opening weekend action/horror/awesome films, where when something totally awesome happens and you scream or clap. That’s cool. But if you’re the only person who gets excited, considering toning it back a touch, friend.

So maybe I’m being hard on the partially deaf, or the borderline mentally deficient, or the guy who just wants to share his “knowledge” with you. But maybe you should shut the fuck up in a theater and watch the movie unravel like the rest of us. If you want to talk during it on DVD, fucking fantastic, sit in your own home and dance naked covered in butter for all I care. But in the theater, you settle the fuck down and let everyone enjoy the film in silence. Otherwise, you’ll push this guy past his boiling point.