Tweet

This is a chord everyone can hear, because it rings true to all ears – unless they belong to an executive at a studio. I’m talking, of course, of about the oft maligned PG-13 rating. This is, perhaps, the most bullshit rating of all. The soft young mind of a 13 year old, who now brings knives to school and gets girls pregnant and sleeps with his teacher, is vastly different from that of the 17 year old, who does all the same things, and thus they can not be subject to the same type of movie.

Ok ok, we don’t have to abolish the PG-13 rating, but it is pretty bullshit to begin with. Ask a scientist at what age someone stops being a “kid” and matures into a later stage of life, and they’ll give you a huge as range from 11-17. Right.

But that said, I’ve got no problem with a movie that, when told and written, comes out, someone looks it over and says “Eh, PG-13.” Ok. Some movie like, I don’t know, Batman Begins or Star Wars, I get that. No blood and guts, no hardcore sex, but no bunnies hopping through lush grass. But I do have a problem when a movie that is suppose to have blood, guts, and hardcore sex gets mangled at the door and ends up being PG-13. Yes I’m talking about the complete fuck up that is the R to PG-13 transitional movie, commonly referred to as the “Japanese Horror Remake.” I kid, only slightly.

No horror movie that is written and filmed as an R-Rated film will ever be good at PG-13. Number one, you’re cutting out film which means you’re cutting out vision and story telling. Number two, when I go to a horror movie I know what I’m going to (A Horror Movie!) and I want blood, guts, tits, and ass. Not necessarily in that order, either.

And action films fall by the editor’s blade (or mouse these days) just as easily. Live Free or Die Hard. The theatrical cut was shit. I saw that and my reaction was “What the fuck is this bullshit and where is John Yippie-Ki-Yay Mother Fucker McClane?” He never showed up. However, he did show up on the Unrated Disc. The plot was the same. The story was the same. But the Unrated Version had John McClane in it, not just Bald Cop. And it was much better. It felt like FUCKING Die Hard. McClane curses. End of story. He doesn’t say “Mother FuGUNSHOT.” He says Mother Fucker. Bitch. Asshole. Dickhead. These are the primary words of his vocabulary, and without them, he is nothing. Say what you will of his moral character, but his words define him.

I can’t stand this bullshit PG-13 rating on movies that beg to be given the real treatment. A fucking movie about hardcore vikings killing shit or a movie about torture should not be rated the same as Junior, a movie about a pregnant man and Danny Devito. What the fuck is this shit? Can you imagine a PG-13 Deathwish? Braveheart? 300? A Boiling Point Article!? Warner wanted 300 to be PG-13 and Snyder, in a fit of genius said “Fuck you, I’m not doing that.” And guess what, the movie did fantastically. The Matrix was also Rated-R and that shit spawned an empire. A sucky empire, but still.

So wake the fuck up, Hollywood, and stick the PG-13 rating up your hole, because I can’t stand this bullshit any longer. Don’t give me shitty horror films without blood and tits or action films without cursing and bloody bullet hits. You take this “wider audience” bullshit and choke on it. You’ll get a wider audience if the MOVIE IS GOOD no matter what the rating. Piece of Shit PG-13 movie = Box Office Bomb. Awesome Rated-R Movie = Box Office Gold.

So get the fuck over yourself and give us what we want and what the directors want us to see and the writers want us to experience because we’re all tired of it. Or maybe I’m just past my boiling point again.