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Did you ever hear the joke about how to get rid of a blond? You put her on the highway and say “walk to the end.” She ain’t ever coming back, because she doesn’t get it, and then doesn’t know enough to get off the same course she’s been on. Hollywood is a lot like a dumb blond. They are apparently following the White House model of attack, that is, “Stay the course.” But even the politicians knew that even while staying the course, sometimes its best to take a detour, or at least surge past your plateaus. With that in mind, Hollywood needs to surge past the current crop of shit its shoveling into our mouths over and over and over (and over) again and take a detour to some new and exciting pathways.

This weekend saw the bricked lay-up of Semi-Pro pull a semi-flop. Why did this movie flop? The formula was right. Will Ferrell + Anchorman character + Odd Setting + Rapper costar. Why didn’t it work? Because we solved this equation already! We’ve all seen, more or less, this movie and we’ve all seen it two or three times. This week we get 10,000 B.C. which looks like the last four Roland Emmerich movies, mixed together with some Lord of the Rings and that other shit. It initially looked like some interesting new, challenging film. But then it turns out its just another chosen one flick about some dude overcoming great odds in the same way we’ve always seen it.

We also get College Road Trip — a movie so fucking unoriginal that it is just a collection of words from previously released movies. We’ve already had Road Trip, Euro Trip, and all that other garbage. Oh but to be new and unique they put in a pig. Ok, the pig is big in Hollywood. After Babe, it has become trendy to have a pet pig. Got it.

And here’s the kicker: These films generally suck. They get slammed by critics and acheive mediocre box office results. Why hasn’t Hollywood learned from these mistakes? They keep making the same films over and over again. Fuck the course, take the back road. Release something new and exciting. If Juno will be good for anything it should be that shows us that a movie doesn’t need Martin Lawrence in it.

Who really wants to see the Italian Job again this weekend? I mean The Heist. I mean Inside Man. I mean Stander. I mean The Transporter. FUCK! I mean The Bank Job — that’s the one. For some reason I feel like I’ve already seen it.

I’ve ragged on the business side of Hollywood for not doing anything new with DVD art and for pumping out cheap Japanese Horror Remakes, which are the worst fucking example of this trend — They don’t even make their money back, but don’t worry, in two weeks you can watch Shutter. Screw that.

Maybe I’m giving everyone too much credit. Maybe no one wants originality. Maybe everyone just wants the same meal every day and the same movie every weekend. But maybe I’m right and Hollywood should get their shit together, take a long look in the mirror, and realize that good movies make better bank rather than stealing bills from our pockets. I guess I’m just sick of feeling cheap and used — and its put me past my boiling point!

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