Boiling Point - F*ckin’ DVDs

Posted by Robert Fure (robert@filmschoolrejects.com) on December 10, 2007

I have plenty of DVDs — and for the most part, I love them dearly. But I’ll be damned if there isn’t a really long list of things that piss me off about them. There’s nothing more annoying than just wanting to enjoy a new movie but then having to go through bullshit to get to the sweet insides.

First layer of defense really gets to me. I’m not even to the shrinkwrap yet. I’m on the price tag. Now on most DVDs, its not a problem, but on the ones with slipcovers, they put the price tag on the slipcover. So when I try to peel off the tag, one of three things happens, in the order of likelihood:

1. I rip the DVD cover. Fuck.
2. I leave behind sticky sticker goo. Shit.
3. It comes off cleanly. What?

The only slipcase DVDs that are reliably safe from the sticker are the ones with shiny or embossed covers. Those stickers come off like a dream. But if its just regular cardboard, you’d better take your time and use even pressure. Last I checked I was trying to remove a sticker, not defuse a bomb.

Then the shrinkwrap. Not really a problem. There is soft shrinkwrap, which comes off super easily, and then there is the more hard plastic stuff, which sometimes seems to stick to the DVD and every now and then there is glue on the spine. What? Yeah glue on the spine, what’s the deal with that? Now I’ve got bits of plastic stuck to it fuck.

We get past that and now what? Three “safety stickers.” Now I was told these are supposed be hard to get off and make noise so that people can hear it if you’re trying to steal it. Well screw that, that is annoying. Personally I use a knife and cut through them, I’ll tell you how at the bottom. But it’s still a pain to peel off this shit too. Heaven help you if you have a softpack DVD, because these stickers will rip the shit out of your cardboard case. Or if the DVD slip is sticking through the plastic, it’ll rip that too. Give me a break!

Now to open it. Wait it’s stuck. What the hell is this? TABS? Why are there tabs on my DVD? If this DVD was Fort Knox I’d already be walking out with the damn bullion. But now this piece of shit has plastic tabs on it. What purpose do they serve? I’ve got several hundred DVDs and I’ve never had the cases just randomly pop open. But now it’s tabbed shut. Screw this!

Finally it’s open! What’s this? It’s stuck on this damn little ring thing. I”m pushing the button what the hell. Great the DVD is bending as I pull it out - what is going on! GIVE IT TO ME. God, I have it. Yes.

But wait what is this? Insult to my injury? I part the damn Red Sea to get to this sweet center and what do I get? A damn silver disc with the Title on it and nothing else, or maybe an advertisement for their other movies. You cheap damn bastards. This frustrates me. I paid you $20 for this thing and you don’t even have the decency to print a picture on the DVD? What does that cost you like 1/100th of a cent? Oh you bastards go to hell! And no insert? WTF, mates? You can’t print out that little piece of paper with a picture on it and a list of chapters? Screw you then.

Now it’s on. Ok. Warnings. Trailers. Advertisements. I don’t want to watch this. Skip. What? Menu? Fuck. Let me skip it. Seriously, you’re making me watch this shit? I paid you $20 remember? The deal is over, you don’t get to force me to watch these ads that wasn’t part of the deal.

Ok finally the menu is up. Play… Play… What do you mean don’t push a button? God what is taking so long? Fuck I just want to watch the movie why is the menu still going? GIVE ME BACK CONTROL OF MY LIFE! Oh finally, awesome, a 30 second menu intro. Now where is my cursor? Wait is blue select or is white? Shit I picked special features. Oh awesome the same damn trailers you made me watch, fuck you, those aren’t special features. Shit, I’m turning this off and drinking.

I took a different approach to this weeks article. I gave you the walk-through of the most challenging DVD ever. It illustrates everything that bothers me about trying to watch one of these. Maybe I’m over reacting but I don’t think we need 8 levels of security features, stickers that rip the covers, and menus and advertisements that can’t be skipped. But what do I know? I’m just past my boiling point.

BONUS: Robert Fure’s Guide to Opening DVDs:

1. With a sharp knife, cut a slit in the plastic where you open it.
2. Slide the knife inside the plastic and fillet the plastic and peel it off.
3. Cut a slit through the Security Tape on the right hand side.
4. Work the knife under the tape and peel it back.
5. Pry open the DVD a little, and slice through the bottom security tape.
6. Pry open the DVD case more and slice open the top.
7. Peel off all the remaining tape.

I do it like this so I don’t have to waste time trying to get a little edge peeled up and then having the fucking sticker rip anyways. DAMN IT. Hope it works for you.

Up for Discussion: Anything about DVD’s piss you off? Discuss it below — and feel free to curse.

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