Boiling Point

Boiling Point! Common Sense

Posted by Robert Fure (robert@filmschoolrejects.com) on November 28, 2007

Now if you’re actually reading this rather than looking at some pretty pictures, I’m going to assume you’re two things: literate and a fan of movies. Hopefully if you find yourself ragged on in this piece, you’ll take it upon yourself to change your ways.

I recently attended a screening of The Mist that really just set me off. I had the immense joy of sitting next to the most hated person in the theater. I will use her as an example of what you should not do in a theater. Why was she hated? Let me count the ways.

Within minutes of the first frame of the film rolling, I heard an odd sound. A sucking sound. A wet sound. Gross. I look over to investigate and what do I find? Breast feeding. You read that right. Now I’m not familiar with all these types of babies, so I can’t tell you what model it was, but it was something very young. And sucking it’s mothers exposed breast. Foul number one. NO BREASTFEEDING IN A MOVIE THEATER. I would have thought that was common sense. And lady, if you’re doing it and someone looks at you, don’t get offended - you’re the one who whipped out a tit.

Second foul, related to the first. Don’t bring infants to movie theaters. She also had a 4 or 5 year old which was better behaved, but still too fidgety. If your child can not sit still for 30 minutes they have no place in a 90 minute movie. No infants ever. They cry. They aren’t watching the movie. You were just too lazy to get a babysitter and now everyone hates you. As for the 4 year old, not in an R-Rated movie. Are you serious? Number one that is just bad parenting. Number two, they’re still too fidgety! We adults have come to an R-Rated movie expecting an adult good time. Now look what you made me do, you made me admit to being an adult!

The problem here is that in modern America all anyone cares about is the individual. There are 300 people in that movie theater that left the kid behind and just want to enjoy a film but that 1 person brought their kid and ruined it. Does the theater say “No infants” or restrict access of small children to inappropriate movies? No. Because that hurts the individual! She will be upset! She will have to get a babysitter! Well tough luck. Take some responsibility for your breeding. Don’t ruin 300 other peoples good times. Movie theaters - step and ban infants!!

Of course, she was also a talker with her husband, the screamer. At any junction where there was a choice to be made, they offered their suggestions. Don’t go there, don’t take that, do do this. Ok, yes, we’re all watching the same film we know that something is about to happen and we’d like to watch the character make that choice, not you. So no talking to the screen please- they’re not listening. My favorite example from this winning duo was “They’re brave” to which she responds “Stupidity is what it is. Stupidity.” Sigh.

Next up, the screaming. I understand horror movies are scary. But nothing is as scary as you made it out to be, sir. He was screaming BEFORE the scary parts. Somehow, I guess he knew what was coming. But his yelling and screaming was loud and unwarranted. If it’s legit it’s legit, but this guy was out of control.

This charming couple made several people get up and leave their seats and incensed one man to a fit of yelling himself. Bad move, you’re an enemy too. It’s perfectly within your rights to ask someone, politely, to quiet down. But when you yourself yell with them, creating a conversation or series of banter, you too, are now annoying us quiet patrons. Two wrongs does not make a right.

Now, the fact that I was watching The Mist made this somewhat hysterical to me, in that there was one man leading a small mob of followers demanding that the child be taken from the theater. I think the fitting nature of this scenario was lost on him. I chuckled - quietly.

So in conclusion can I just say lay down some ground rules:

No breast feeding (if you just want to air out your boob, thats ok)
No infants
No small children that can’t sit still in movies that aren’t rated PG or lower
Don’t converse with the screen
Don’t converse with your viewing partner (if you must, keep it short, quiet, and infrequent)
Don’t scream as if you’re dying unless you’re actually dying (and then try to keep it down)
If you take your shoes or sandals off, keep your gross feet of the seat in front of you (preferably, keep those on, but after a long day I understand your urge)
Don’t engage in a yelling match (you become one of them)

Now, this group wasn’t guilty of these things, but let me throw them out anyways, because you shouldn’t do them.

No texting
No cell phone calls
No cell phone checking of time (the light is annoying, get a watch or better yet, just enjoy the film)
No feet on the seat infront of you if someone is in it (if its empty, its ok, as long as the bottom of your shoe doesn’t touch it, because that is gross)

Follow these rules and we’ll all have a more pleasant experience at the theater - I guarantee it. Feel free to comment below with your peeves and rules. And to the couple at the theater, I don’t hate you, but I’m not your fan at all and hope to never see you again. That’s just me, and I’m well past my boiling point.