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Only in America would the Virginia Tech Massacre be knocked off the top story by Alec Baldwin doing what he does best, being an asshole. I’ve listened to the caustic message this fat, former heartthrob left for his bratty pre-teen daughter Ireland, and I have to say that the man’s biggest mistake was saying these things on tape.

It’s like Rob Lowe or R. Kelly. I can’t really blame the guys for getting down and dirty with a trashy, little under-18 whore. Just don’t put it on tape, guys. Trust me, I never do.

When I heard the message Baldwin left for his daughter, I stood up and cheered. It is about time for some of the filthy-rich parental snobs in this town to be willing to lay the smack down on their trophy wives in training.

It’s unfortunate that a judge denied the chubby actor a chance to visit his daughter in the near future. I wish he had met up with her on 4/20 and straightened her ass out like he threatened to. Then maybe we wouldn’t have so many fucked up princesses roaming the streets of L.A. Maybe a little ass-whupping from Alec will help this girl deal with society, ’cause her ex-spank-material mom sure ain’t doing it for her.

In fact, she’s making it worse. Everyone whose praising Kim Basinger for being a great mom for leaking this tape to the media needs to get their head examined. They seem to forget the fact that this broad’s biggest claim to fame (aside from winning an Oscar in the biggest “What the fuck?” moment of movie history) is taking up the ass from Mickey Rouke in “9 1/2 Weeks.”

Basinger’s playing games with the courts and with the media. The judge should strip her of her parental rights instead of Baldwin, who seems to be the only one in Hollywood willing to discipline his thoughtless little pig of a child.

And stop fucking apologizing! I’m sick of people apologizing, like it makes it all better. Trust me, when I told my first wife I was sorry for plowing her sister after a night of binge drinking, it didn’t make one damn bit of difference.

No matter how much Michael Richards apologizes, we all still know he’s a racist sonafabitch. No matter how much Mel Gibson apologizes, we all still know he’s about as much a Jew-lover as Heinrich Himmler was. And no matter how much Don Imus apologizes, we all still know he’s a douche bag. (See my previous article “The Top 10 Nappy Headed Hoes of Hollywood” for more on this issue.)

Look, like that skeletal nut-job Don Imus, Alec Baldwin is a douche bag too. He’s been a douche bag for years. In fact, he’s one of the few people in Hollywood who is actually somewhat proud to be a douche bag. Does it surprise anyone that he’s a douche bag to his own kid?

Bring on the pain, Alec! Bring on the pain.