Would Daniel Day-Lewis Play a Smurf?

Posted by Robin Ruinsky (robin@filmschoolrejects.com) on June 10, 2008

They are little blue beings that inhabit little mushroom villages. They are said to be three apples high and they wear white caps. Their names bring to mind the seven dwarfs and the Spice girls. They are called Smurfs and I have to ask why, in all that is holy in the world of film, is Sony Pictures Animation and Columbia, bringing them to life on the big screen?

What is scary is the word is the film will be live, yes I had to print that in capitals, live action. Why? Why? Why? How can they be live action? Who will be playing them? And who are these blue creatures called Smurfs and why are two big film companies paying to put them on film?

A little perspective is needed to fully appreciate the importance of this news.

David Lean, yes, that one the director of Lawrence of Arabia, Oliver Twist, The Bridge on the River Kwai, died in 1991. Before his death he was struggling to get financing for his film version of Joseph Conrad’s “Nostromo”. The great David Lean couldn’t get money to make a film.

But in 2008, the Smurfs will be made into a movie proving that all is madness and that there is no justice in the film world. Still, I had to be fair so I went to the official Smurf website and learned this is the Smurf’s 50^th Anniversary. They were created by Pierre Culliford, known as Peyo in Smurf World.

I took a look at a timeline of 1958 to see what else was going on in the world the year the Smurfs came into being. I wanted to see if other weird stuff happened that year and I discovered it was an interesting year. Among the big happenings:

The Brooklyn Dodgers left for LA.

A B-47 accidentally dropped an unarmed thermonuclear bomb at the mouth of Georgia’s Savannah River. It was never found. I guess we should all be grateful it was unarmed.

Hail the size of baseballs was reported with flash lightning over parts of Minneapolis.

The Bridge on the River Kwai won the Oscar for Best Picture. Aha! A David Lean connection!

Nikita Khrushchev became Soviet premier in addition to First Secretary of the Communist Party.

Sputnik 2 (with dog Laika) burned up in the atmosphere. Not a good omen!

The novel “Doctor Zhivago” by Russian author Boris Pasternak was published in the United States for the first time. David Lean again?

The Barbie doll was patented by Mattel.

Pierre Culliford (Peyo), Belgian cartoonist, created the gnome-like Smurfs for publisher Charles Dupui.

From Pasternak to Peyo we now return to the Smurfs and the cast of characters that inhabit the land of Smurf.

The Smurfs are all male. Yet, there is a Baby Smurf. How did that happen? There were no answers to Smurf procreation on their website. Sure they are obviously drawn into existence, but isn’t that too simple? Isn’t that like telling children they’re found under a cabbage leaf in a garden?

All may not be so cozy and G rated in the land of Smurf as I assumed. The evil wizard Gargamel created the Smurfette. This nubile blue female apparently drives Smurfs wild with lust or whatever it is a Smurf would feel.

Are you following me?

I do have some casting ideas for the film. For Gargamel who appears humanish I’m thinking that Christopher Lee should step up and just grab on to this part of a lifetime. He even would have a cat named Azrael who wants to eat Smurfs. I’m thinking the cat who played Mrs. Norris in Harry Potter would do.

Angelina Jolie, straight from her CGI triumph in Beowulf must play the Smurfette. She can bring smoldering blueness to the screen that would give fathers all over the world a good excuse to bring junior to the Smurf movie. I’m seeing James MacAvoy as Brainy Smurf. He’s got a real talent at playing intensely serious and he’s played a faun so it’s not going to be difficult for him to go blue. And he is in the running to play Bilbo Baggins so this could really just play into that entire gnome, troll, Hobbit, Smurf thing.

Baby Smurf will be the part to lure Haley Joel Osment out of retirement. “I see blue people!” could be written into the screenplay to provide that nudge nudge wink wink moment. Cast Bruce Willis as Papa Smurf and we bring back the acting team from The Sixth Sense which would complete the homage! Cook Smurf is a tough call but it could be the big acting break Emeril Lagasse has been waiting for. The Chef known for yelling Bam, could really boil over in this role.

Farmer Smurf is a wide eyed yet foul mouthed Smurf and who better than Dane Cook to bring the farmer to life? Now we get to the Smurfs most likely to be played by seven dwarfs of Snow White fame. These would be Greedy, Grouchy, Handy, Harmony, Hefty, Jokey, Lazy and Vanity. Wait, that’s eight. I think Grumpy can double up.

Finally, as Poet Smurf, there will be the great Daniel Day-Lewis. I shudder to think of the preparations Day-Lewis will subject himself to for this role, but I hear Oscar buzz already!

| | Read more articles by Robin Ruinsky