Top 10 Nappy Headed Hoes of Hollywood

Posted by Rod Jackson (rodjax@gmail.com) on April 12, 2007

Having grown up in New York, I could have told you that Don Imus was a douche bag. But no, you didn’t listen to me. You had to find out the hard way. Now everyone but the Rutger’s women’s basketball team has their jock straps (or whatever they wear) up in a bunch about a little racially insensitive comment. Have you ever listened to Howard Stern? This could be a lot worse.

But I’m not here to talk about Don Imus or racism in the media, I am here to talk about the finest Liquorish Ladies of La-la Land, the most Bodacious Black Bootied Beauties. I am here to give you, America (and the rest of the world) my Top 10 Nappy Headed Hoes of Hollywood. Let’s do this.

10. Nia Long
Soft and subtle, Miss Long has always been a fan favorite as every troubled black woman’s best friend. Where there is a Vivica A. Fox who is being wronged by a man, there will be a Nia Long there to console her. Hell, she even played second fiddle to Sandra Bullock in a movie that is so bad that it already made the Rotten Tomatoes Worst 100 list (and it came out in ‘07).

9. Kerry Washington
Kerry and I have not yet met, but you can be sure that we will. She was smokin’ hot as the girl Chris Rock should have fucked in “I Think I Love My Wife.” (See the damn movie, you’ll know what I mean.) She also played Idi Amin’s hot wife in “The Last King of Scotland.” Good sex scene in that one, I would recommend. She’s got the skills to pay the bills, but as black girls go, she’s “Uncle Tom” sexy — too thin in the booty. That’s why she’s #9.

8. Pam Grier
Didn’t see this one comin’, did ya? That’s right, Jackie Brown herself makes the Top 10, and she does it on her bad-ass persona alone. This chick must stand about 12′ tall because she makes me want to back down into submission. If you are going to have a woman beat the hell out of you then screw your brains out, Pam Grier ought to be the bitch to do it. Want to see her rock some lesbo action? Check out “The L Word,” it’s worth it.

7. Thandie Newton
Forget about that crap role she had in “The Pursuit of Will Smith’s Lost X-Ray Machine,” Thandie Newton is hot, hot and hot some more. She was on fire in Mission Impossible 2, completely offsetting the Gaydar-ific performance of Tom Cruise. On top of being hot, she’s also got a killer accent. The sort of chick that makes you just want to learn another language, something she doesn’t speak, so that you can sound cooler than she does.

6. Whoopie Goldberg
I always love a chick that can make me laugh, so I’d still get it done with Whoopie. And you know you would too, especially if she busted out her costume from “Sister Act.” Stop shakin’ your damn head, you know you would. Whoopie is the kind of dykish lady that might just want you to watch while she gets it on with Kathy Najimy, but hell — when it’s all said and done, you’ll be crying out, “More discipline, Sister Mary Clarence. Get the ruler!”

5. Regina Hall
Brenda Meeks (Scary Movie 2): “Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh UH! Now wait a minute, hold up! How come when anytime this scary shit happens, and we should stick together, you white people always say “let’s split up”?” Do you need any better explanation? Regina’s got booty, a personality and she looks like a screamer. I’m alright with finding out if that last part’s true or not.

4. Rosario Dawson
Sin City? Try Clerks 2. Rosario looks like she’d be fun in the sack. Got a little pep in her… step. Her only problem is that she tries to do these artsy shit-flicks like “Rent” and “The Adventures of Pluto Nash.” She needs to stick with Robert Rodriguez, ‘cuz eventually he will convince her to take her clothes off.

3. Queen Latifah
When I say “The Queen,” I am not talking about Helen Mirren’s bony ass. Want to see a good shot of Helen Mirren? Watch Shadowboxer then punch yourself in the face 20 times. Want to see where badunka-dunk originated, let mama Latifah shake you our some sugar in “Chicago.” This Queen’s got it all going on, big booty and all. If she showed up to bring my house down, I wouldn’t puss out like Steve Martin, I’d start the damn party.

2. Vivica A. Fox
Lordy, Lordy, give me some Vivica A. Fox. Her name is even fun to say. But none of that shit is funnier than the fact that her character’s name was Lysterine in “Booty Call” or the fact that she played Ms. B Haven in “Batman & Robin.” I love her so much, though, that no matter how many shitty movies she plays, I will still want her to role play with me. I’ll show her “Why Fools Fall in Love,” feed her some “Soul Food” and make her “Kingdom Come.”

1. Halle Berry
Some editor bastards on this site got to meet Halle Berry, but they were a bunch of pansy asses about it. I would have asked her to drop down and act out a scene from Monster’s Ball, only this time we’d substitute my Major Payne for Billy Bob’s minor inconvenience. Miss Berry won an Oscar, so what? She won a damn Razzie for Catwoman , I get it. But for wearing that tight costume she should have won a Nobel Peace Prize. Recently she said no to playing Catwoman in a Justice League movie, but I think they should let me talk to her about it, alone in a room somewhere. Then she’ll be saying “Yes, yes, yes!” all night long.

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