Top 10 Movie Badasses that I’d Fight

Posted by Joshua Martin (joshua@filmschoolrejects.com) on April 25, 2007

Okay, So we all love the movie badass? Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, even Jack Bauer and James Bond. Yet, have you ever seen a movie that the badass is a big skirt wearing vagina? Yes. I know I know that there are some of you that will disagree with this list, fine you suck too. I’m just saying that if I had to fight a movie bad ass, I want a piece of someone on this list because I have a chance of me escaping alive. Most movie badasses really destroy everything in their wake. Most on this list, are on the ropes for most of a fight to save their battles in a final wind. No, no more of this hippie, crunchy granola having bitch-ness. I demand a brutality from my badasses that is unmatched and unwavering. So, I throw down the gauntlet right now. I bring you the top 10 badasses I’d fight, or top 10 movie heroes that were vaginas.

10. Indiana Jones
Okay. I’m going to hear he was a super badass who constantly won. First off, without his whip, he dies early in a lot of movies. Relying on a prop really kills your badass-ititude, even for Indy. Plus, if there is a female in a 30 mile radius, he’ll forget about your fight and drop his zipper like a bitch. So, whip-less I’d just like to punch him in the face. Plus the whole act was overdone, and it just seemed like all the jocks in high school put him in his locker. Reason enough to keep the stereotype going. No teacher should be a badass without totally getting his world rocked. My right hand could be the deliverance of such.

9. Jackie Chan (Rush Hour)
Back in the day, I’d not come near this dude with a 40 foot pole. Jackie Chan went pansy in this movie. I totally would fight him in this movie. Anyone who dances with Chris Tucker needs punched in the face anyways. If you take away the super kung-fu of Chan, he is a horrible actor. So for that reason alone, ruining a whole catalog of movies, I’d want to fight him. Plus, like I said, he dances like a fool and tries to fit in. It just never works and he acts like a puss the whole time.

8. Val Kilmer (Batman Forever)
He gets outsmarted by Jim Carrey. Now, Riddler was one of my favorite Batman villains, but lets call a spade a spade, He was surpassed by only Clooney as making batman a big vag. So, in it’s self he almost ruined Batman and he needs punched in that reason alone. Honestly though, Bruce Wayne seriously needed his ass kicked royally at that point in the Batman series. How many people didn’t want to punch him in the wedding tackle for that movie, and for once I felt like I could lay out batman.

7. Buffy Summers
We could mud wrestle. I’m just saying… A fights a fight, even if she ends up naked. That’s how it always goes in the Girls Gone Wild movies. I swear. So, oil wrestling, Buffy summers, and a bikini. Deal.

6. Johnny Knoxville
I DEFY anyone to not laugh when Johnny Knoxville gets hurt. When I saw an 8 ball get dropped on his junk from 3 stories, or when he got bitten by an alligator baby. The shit he can physically take outpaces most real actors, which makes him an instant badass. However, I’ve got to admit, I’d love to beat the shit out of him. Each time you really fought him, he’d giggle, and you’d laugh so hard you’d want to beat his ass more.

5. Nicholas Cage in any movie he’s ever done
He constantly tries to be a badass. Ghost Rider, Con Air, The Rock, blah blah blah. Each one of his movies, he needs his ass beat hard. Honestly, name one time you didn’t see him in a movie and you didn’t want to re-arrange his grill. If I punched him in that fivehead he has, I’d feel so much fucking better. I’ve probably spent $300 on movies of his, and each time I spend money on it I remember why. From the movie National Treasure, where I’d love to pound his face in just on the sole fact that he was a huge bitch. That nerd in his movie could kick his ass.

4. Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Caribbean)
Single braid in his hair, and mascara. He may say something grammatically dominating, but he’s in makeup. Odds are you’ll end up half drunk, or putting him in an island someplace. He’d be a great fight just on the single fact that his acrobatics and situations would be the most entertaining.

3. George Clooney (Oceans Eleven)
Danny Ocean is a badass. Lets all own up to this now, he’s got a serious pimphand, and he’s got amazing friends. The problem here is, he’s a pansy. He can’t get his hands dirty at all. For not closing the deal with Julia Roberts, for being Matt Damon’s bitch, I think you need your ass beat. Plus he got strong armed by Andy Garcia. Wouldn’t you just want to be the living sweet shit out of him once, and steal his lunch money. Knowing that odds are, the worst your going to get is a quirky Brad Pitt? Lets all be honest, We’re all tired of George Clooney being the sexiest man alive. This movie he oozes that guy, and for once. I’d like to be the guy to ruin that plan.

2. Sly Stallone (Rocky Balboa)
Okay, So I liked Rocky when he beat Apollo Creed, but come on. He’s a steroid using bastard, and got caught by the aussies. Plus, lets be brutally honest Antonio Tarver wasn’t that good either. Eventually they take old horses out and shoot them and send them to the glue factory. At what point do we get to shoot Sly and not have to hear him. I swore I saw that whole movie and couldn’t understand 3 words he said. When do I get to punch this guy in the kisser? What… will you not understand him?
Yeah, I’d fight him, and I’d hand it to him. I’m no slab of meat.

1. Hayden Panettiere (Heroes)
Okay. An invincible cheerleader. It’s not a movie, so I’m sure some of you will balk. Whatever. If you could be as rough as you wanted with Hayden, doing whatever you needed to, and she’d heal?…. That’s all I’m saying.

So that’s my top 10. Have beef? COMMENT IT, let me know and hear who you’d replace and why. I’m always entertained at what badass you’d want to stomp a mudhole in and walk dry. All I’m saying is, Hayden Panettiere can be in every top 10 of mine, until she’s in the top 10 of my pants.

Read more articles by Joshua Martin