The Reject Report has Bunnies on the Brain

Posted by John Cairns (jcairns@filmschoolrejects.com) on August 22, 2008

Hello again, folks! Time for you to put down the latest issue of PLAYBOY and tune in to this week’s Reject Report. This weekend promises to be a real death race at the box office. That’s the name of the movie, too: Death Race. Also, The Rocker rolls out, and so does The House Bunny starring funnygal Anna Faris. All that and more this weekend at the Report.

Anyway, the real reason I call this weekend a “death race” is because these look like box-office disappointments waiting to happen. The blockbusters are all over, and now we have a slew of highly-unanticipated flicks rolling out, all of them hard-pressed to hit $20 million. Last year around this same time Superbad was in theaters and finishing in first place with a take of only $18 million dollars! And it was their second weekend in the theaters! So the dog days have truly begun.

We’ll start with The Rocker, which is the latest in a long line of movies that have rolled out on a Wednesday. I probably should have done another special “early edition” of the Reject Report to predict how this flick would do, but frankly I didn’t feel like it and it wasn’t worth it. Let’s face it, no one cares about this movie.

This one stars Rainn Wilson of “The Office” fame/infamy. He plays Robert “Fish” Fishman, a drummer who is kicked out of the “hair” band Vesuvius just before they made it big. Life is not fair! Anyway, Fishman gets a second chance by joining the band of his nephew played by Josh Gad. Christina Applegate is in the movie; so is Pete Best, “the fifth Beatle”, in a cameo role.

Quite a few people have good things to say about this flick. Too bad no one is showing up. It opened Wednesday to a dismal haul of $577,000! That is sad, ladies and gentlemen. I don’t see how the heck this movie can make any kind of decent showing this weekend after opening in tenth freaking place! My guess is this flick is going to be really lucky if it even makes it to $4 million.

Now onto the Friday releases, starting with the absolutely silly-looking The House Bunny with comedy legend Anna Faris of Scary Movie fame. Faris also served as co-producer for this flick. This one spoofs the whole PLAYBOY empire which has been back in the spotlight in recent years because of their successful “The

Girls Next Door” show on E! television. In fact Holly, Bridget and Kendra and several of the adorable Playmates have cameo roles, along with Hugh Hefner. In this flick, Faris plays a Playboy bunny who is unceremoniously kicked out of Hef’s mansion and has nowhere to go. She ends up taking a job as a house mother to a college sorority filled with intellligent but geeky women. Faris’ goal is to turn these nerds into appealing, socially-adept ladies who are popular with guys. I’ve heard this

movie described as sort of a Revenge of the Nerds-type of movie, but featuring women. The movie also stars Rumer Willis (Bruce and Demi’s kid) and Katharine McPhee.

This flick was written by Karen McCullah Lutz and Kirsten Smith, the same ladies who brought you that silly Legally Blonde flick. So we kind of know what we are in store for. I gotta admit, I’m a big fan of the Playmates and they liven up even the worst movies out there, and that silly show Holly, Bridget and Kendra put on is a guilty pleasure to be sure. But this flick really does look like total nonsense. In fact, I wouldn’t even be surprised if it mainly attracts a female audience, which seems odd when you think of it. But then again, that show with Holly, Bridget and Kendra also gets a big female audience. Go figure that out, guys!

There’s also a hot rumor that Anna Faris has an actual nude scene in the movie. Well, if that’s the case, maybe guys will actually show up! Anyway, I think more guys will watch Death Race and I am only predicting about $11.5 million for The House Bunny, which will have the widest release of any new movie this weekend, in 2,700 theaters.

Next is Death Race, which is a re-imagining of that Death Race 2000 movie starring David Carraidne, Sylvester Stallone etc. that came out of the Roger Corman factory back in the Seventies. This is basically the same thing, but revamped for the videogame generation. Basically it’s the same idea: a futuristic America where prison inmates compete against each other in a driving race. This one is written by Paul W. S. Anderson and stars Jason Statham, Joan Allen, Tyrese Gibson, Ian McShane and Natalie Martinez. So obviously all the Jason Statham/action fans will be there watching.

Now here is the question I have. How the heck is this movie supposed to do well when Speed Racer did so poorly? Speed Racer got, what, $18 million during its opening? How the heck Death Race expects to top that is beyond me. Still, Jason Statham has fans, and this is based on a cult classic of sorts, so I think $14 million will be the take. But that’s IT.

Finally, there is The Longshots, a family comedy starring Ice Cube. This is based on the true story of Jasmine Plummer who became the first female to play in Pop Warner football tournament in its history. Tasha Smith plays Jasmine and Ice Cube is her uncle.

This seems like a sweet, family-oriented movie, but I gotta say it: The Longshots looks like, well, a longshot. $6 million.

I’m not going to bother with Hamlet 2 or Bottle Shock because too few theaters are showing those. Those other four are the only contenders at the theaters in my eyes. And as far as I am concerned, they are all going to get beat. Take a look at my predictions below:

That’s right, I have Tropic Thunder winning for the second weekend in a row! And if you think this weekend’s box office numbers are going to be bad, hoo boy, just wait until next weekend when pathetic efforts like Disaster Movie get served up. The box office is going straight into the toilet, and so are the movies.

Believe you me, we are in for some ugly times in the next few weeks and months. There is basically nothing to look forward to, with the exception of 007 and maybe W. No wonder the Harry Potter fans were steamed when their movie got moved from the fall. Now they’ve got nothing to look forward to, either! I’ll tell you this: these Oscar-contending movies had better be good, because otherwise there is little on the horizon to look forward to.

By my estimation The Dark Knight will end this weekend just $10 million short of $500 million. $500 million!!! Holy crap, Batman! That’s pretty good. I think this milestone will probably be reached in the following week. At that point we can probably officially say… SUMMER’S OVER.

See you Sunday night as we count what little loot is expected to be made at the box office this weekend right here at the Reject Report!

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