Movie News

Sean Penn Really Needs to Lighten Up

Posted by Mister Hand (misterhand@filmschoolrejects.com) on September 11, 2007

Okay, the title of this story has very little to do with the news. The news is this:

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Gus Van Sant is set to direct Sean Penn as openly gay politician Harvey Milk in a new film. Matt Damon is set to play Milk’s assassin.

Okay, that sounds really cool. Really. I can’t wait to see it. And I am not being in the least bit facetious.

But anytime I see the name Sean Penn, I wish I could somehow pull him out of the newsprint by the lapels and scream, “Lighten up, dude!”

I am not one of those guys who believes actors should never espouse political views. Hell, if I was famous, I’d be out there all over the place telling people how I feel about the war and Bush and all that shit until everyone was annoyed, too.

But one thing I would add to that mix? I wouldn’t take myself so god damned seriously. This guy has the sense of humor of a one-armed tattoo artist. (I knew a one-armed tattoo artist. He was a humorless prick. Thus the analogy.)

Chris Rock makes a joke at the Oscars about Jude Law. Sean Penn calls Jude Law “one of our finest actors.”

Wh-wh-wha?

First of all, it’s a joke. We all know Jude can’t take a joke, but screw him. Every movie he’s headlined has been a flop. Sure, he may be pretty, but he’s definitely not one of our finest actors.

Second… Sean… you already come off as a prick. Get a sense of humor. Don’t be all out on the Oscars telecast spending your already slim capital as a talented actor defending other humorless mushroom heads from innocuous “attacks” by comedians.

You’re an actor. You make believe for a living. You’re not a brain surgeon. You’re not curing cancer. Hell, if you really get down to the nitty gritty of it, my local garbage man has a more important job than you. If he quits, my garbage becomes infested with black plague and I die. If you were to quit acting, I wouldn’t have to waste my time with your crappy movies, wondering if you’ll ever reclaim your former Bad Boys and Dead Man Walking glory.

In short: Lighten the f**k up.

Finally, as my grandmother used to say: “If you can’t take a joke… douche.”

I apologize for this rambling bit of business.

On the Side: We all know Sean Penn was once married to Madonna. I believe their relationship is perfectly encapsulated in this Agony Booth recap of the film Shanghai Surprise.