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What sounds more fabulously awesome than a movie about the last days of Pompeii, directed by Roman Polanski, with production values out the yoo hoo (to the tune of $100 million)?

Nothing. That’s what. There is officially nothing on the planet that sounds more awesome than that. And if you disagree, then you need to brush up on your history. What, you hate seeing half-clothed, horny women in mini-togas? You hate seeing lots of orgiastic prelude to the violent eruption of Mt. Vesuvius?

Orgies. Sodomy. A sexual revolution to rival anything Armistead Maupin could have conceived of in his most shocking wet dream. That’s what was going on in Pompeii. That’s why they stayed there, in the shadow of a live volcano, for so many years. Pompeii was a bigass party, twenty-four seven.

And that pretty much makes Polanski the perfect man to direct the movie. Pompeii was a bed of perverts. Thus, it is all the more fitting that the movie should be helmed by one of the most famous perverts on the planet. And when I say “pervert,” I’m not making any sort of moral judgment whatsoever.

That said, did Polanski slip quaaludes to thirteen-year-old Samantha Geimer and then sexually assault her in 1977? Or was he set up for a casting couch and blackmail trap, as he asserts in his autobiography?

We may never know. Apparently, however, Polanski did set up a private photo shoot with Geimer. And maybe it’s just because I’m a hetrosexual guy, but when I read “private photo shoot,” my brain interprets that as, “Excuse to see a hot chick naked.” Except this hot chick was only thirteen years old.

Thus… pervert. And this time I am making a moral judgment. Then again, I wouldn’t want anyone seeing which clips I have chosen to download from my favorite subscription porn site over the last month. Who am I to judge Polanski when I’m sitting in front of my computer watching I Dig ‘Em in Pigtails, Vol. 9?

Alas, there’s bad news for those of us looking to get our freak on with a Pompeii movie. Polanski has backed out of the project, and the fate of the film is officially in limbo. Read more over at Variety.

No links provided for I Dig ‘Em in Pigtails, Vol. 9, as this is a family-friendly website. And if you ask me, the series has been going downhill since Vol. 5, anyway.