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Thank the Gods that we just filled the fridge here at FSR HQ with Shiner Bock, because it is time to commence the drinking binge, folks. Earlier you read about J.L. Sosa’s sadness over the Yogi Bear 3D news, and now I come to you with something even more disheartening, more infuriating and more absurd. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Warner Bros. and a pair of top-tier production banners — including the one owned by Leonardo DiCaprio — are currently in the early stages of a reboot of the 1980s children’s fantasy classic The NeverEnding Story.

And by children’s classic, I mean that it is one of my all-time favorite movies from my childhood. No joke, people. I wanted very badly to be Bastian Bathazar Bux, using the help of my trusted giant friend Falkor to become the hero of Fantasia on behalf of the beautiful and mysterious empress. And as you know, I am usually the resident apologist for remakes and reboots, having seen the process work well with the right kind of vision and passion. For example, Friday the 13th was a great effort and Batman Begins was a perfect way to bring Batman back to the big screen. But even I must admit that the odds are not in this project’s favor — a much higher percentage of remakes, especially those from the most beloved of franchises, usually end in a failure pile stuffed into a sadness bowl (Thanks, Patton Oswalt).

So even though original producer Dieter Geissler is on board, there is no way that I can throw support behind a remake of Wolfgang Peterson’s classic. It was great, a beautiful part of my 1980s childhood experience. And that is where it should stay.

For more information on this abomination of a project, check out THR. Otherwise, please join me for a long night of drinking and sobing.