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After a much ballyhooed fight between the beautiful but rail-thin Keira Knightley, and the haggard and spotted Lindsay Lohan, the winner turns out to be Natalie Portman. The prize? The starring role in a new theatrical adaptation of Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights. Not much of a prize if you ask me… it’ll just be one more movie in the Portman canon that I watch begrudgingly. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Portman. I would happily father her many children if she were to ask, but the beguiling minx has a habit of picking absolutely horrible films. And by horrible I mean horribly boring. Of the fourteen or so movies she’s made since 2000, only three have been truly worthwhile. (No, not those three you nerd.)

Anyway… back on point… the new Wuthering Heights will be directed by John Maybury, who’s made nothing you’ve seen before (aside from 2005’s frustrating The Jacket.) The story revolves around the all-consuming yet ultimately tragic love between Catherine and Heathcliff (who, Wikipedia be damned, is not a cartoon cat.) It’s filled with mansions, ghosts, kidnapping, miscommunication, emotional immaturity, and moors. (Unfortunately there appear to be no werewolves on these moors though.) Portman will play Catherine Earnshaw, a character who dies halfway through the tale. Hopefully she’ll take a cue from a previous filmic version starring Juliette Binoche where Binoche played both the role of Catherine as well as her daughter… Catherine. No word yet on who’ll play the cartoon cat, although rumors last year had Johnny Depp circling the project. Depp and Portman on screen together? That would make my viewing a little less begrudged…