Movies that Suck: Thank Hell for Little Girls

Posted by Danny Gallagher (danny@filmschoolrejects.com) on April 25, 2007

Lots of people ruin movies. Some do it without realizing it. Others do it because they have nothing better to do. Everyone in Hollyweird does it because that’s how they make a living.

They come from all creeds, all nations, all races, all walks of life. Some of them talk to each other during the movie. Some of them answer their cell phones. Some of them even talk to the screen. Just once I want someone to make a horror movie where an innocent girl is slowly tip-toeing towards a door that everyone knows is where the killer is waiting to turn her into a cheerleader shish-kabob. Just at the split second where she’s about to open it and some dope from the aisle yells “Don’t go there girl!” and laughs like so loud you can hear the rolls of his fat jiggling with his giggling, the doughy eyed-teenage girl looks at the screen, says “Oh thanks, you saved my life,” walks off screen and the credits roll. Not only would it be the ultimate surprise, but it would give the dope a massive heart attack and a valuable lesson.

But hands down, the worst people ever to set foot in a movie theater are teenage girls. They do every rude thing you can do in a movie theater, and they even manage to think up new ways to ruin the movie short of setting off a dirty bomb in the center aisle, which I wish I didn’t just say because I probably gave them another way.

I first noticed this back in college when I worked as a freelance movie critic. This meant I had to go to a lot of bad movies by myself, which is the second most pathetic thing a man can do next to organizing an online high school prom in the World of Warcraft instead of going to your actual prom.

Sure enough, during a screening of the craptacular “Mickey Blue Eyes,” a group of them start gaggling away like they were “The View-Babies.” Then they started messing with the people in the theater until they worked their way over to me. After the third gummy bear struck me in the head, I stood up, suppressed my anger, took a deep breath and told them in a very calm, collected and measured tone to “BLANK off.” One of them probably came from a band of gypsies and put a curse on me because the groups have been popping up every movie theater I’ve ever been to since.

Teenage girls are the piranhas of the movie going public. One or two together can’t do much harm, but a whole group of them are downright deadly. They talk to each other during the movie and 99 times out of 100, it’s not even about the movie. That’s an accurate statistic by the way because that’s exactly the number of times it’s happened.

If you grab a seat in a theater and a group of them sit anywhere near your vicinity, do one of two things: (1) politely get up and move to another seat or (2) don’t let them smell your fear. It’s quite a potent pheromone.

They whisper to each other and giggle and the whispering is usually louder than the movie they are watching. They could be watching a NASA shuttle launch and the astronauts sitting in the cockpit would be asking them to stop whispering about why the lemon Mike ‘n Ikes are the tastiest.

Now parents, don’t go all Don Imus on me and start calling Rev. Al Sharpton to get me fired. Not all teenage girls are rude, uncaring or uppity. They all don’t conduct gab fests about boys and candy and which is the cutest “New Kid on the Block” so loud they can be heard from space. All you parents can rest assure that this isn’t a general stereotype about all teenage girls – just yours.

Read more articles by Danny Gallagher