Movies That Suck: Putting the ‘Fan’ in ‘Fanatic’

Posted by Danny Gallagher (danny@filmschoolrejects.com) on April 17, 2007

Being a movie fan is quite a daily struggle. I mean other than trying to juggle our love of imitation popcorn butter and pants that fit.

There are two kinds of movie fans: the fans and the fanatics. The fans have very strong opinions about the kinds of movies they like and the movies they wouldn’t screen to detainees at Guantanamo Bay and then they go about their day.

The fanatics only have one favorite movie but they let it rule their entire life. Their basement apartments are covered wall to wall with movie posters and memorabilia from it. They dress like characters from the movie and even talk like them. They base their entire philosophy of life around it and believe anyone who doesn’t embrace it should be converted to their side. That’s why, despite the availability of the technology and the advancements in modern science, we don’t have guns that shoot lasers because Trekkies would buy them by the truck load and stage a massive “Star Trek” inquisition. They are Al-Qaeda with asthma inhalers.

The struggle of the fan is to keep from becoming a fanatic. They will be watching movies one day, enjoying something they think is insightful and entertaining but the right movie comes along and the next thing they know, they are getting into bottle fights over which one of the “Warriors” most closely parallels the story of Jesus Christ.

The challenge is keeping your brain grounded in reality. Movies are a great form of escape. They can take you out of your crummy world and into fantastic places, open your mind to new ideas and help you explore thoughts and feelings you’ve never had before without having to drop acid and feel the business end of a mall cop’s stun gun.

But the escape should have its own escape and for fanatics, there is no escape. That’s why their is Fanatics Anonymous, a support group that turns single movie obsessed, simple minded film freaks into well rounded, open minded film freaks. They, like all support groups, follow a 12 step support program that anyone can follow so long as they are willing to listen, learn and love from something other than their “Star Wars” box set autographed by Ewok #27.

Step 1, They must admit they are powerless over their obsession, and that their lives have become unmanageable. (They are no longer allowed to teach Catholic Sunday school because they taught the children that the
Vatican canonized William Shatner for bringing his own career back from the dead.)

Step 2, They must come to believe that a higher power can restore them to sanity. (George Lucas doesn’t count because he’s the one who took away your sanity.)

Step 3, They must decide to turn their will and lives over to the care of their higher power. (That’s also how George Lucas made his money.)

Step 4, They must make a search and fearless moral inventory of themselves. (“Was it a good idea to wear my homemade ‘Conan the Barbarian’ costume to my grandmother’s funeral?”)

Step 5, They must admit to their god, to themselves, and to another human being the exact nature of their wrongs. (“That’s a big no.”)

Step 6, They must be entirely ready to have their higher power remove these defects of character. (Burning their entire DVD collection on their front lawn will do just fine.)

Step 7, They must humbly ask their god to remove all of their shortcomings. (This one usually takes three months on average.)

Step 8, They must make a list of all the persons they’ve harmed and be willing to make amends to them all. (“I’m sorry I said I hoped your first born son loses a toe because you said ‘Empire’ was better than ‘Return of the Jedi.’”)

Step 9, They must make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. (“Phew, I can keep my toe.”)

Step 10, They must continue to take personal inventory and when they are wrong promptly admit it. (“I still wear the Conan costume underneath my work clothes. Boy does it chafe.”)

Step 11, They should seek through prayer and meditation to improve their conscious contact with their god praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. (Say one more prayer to George Lucas and I’ll make that light saber disappear in a black hole permanently.)

Step 12, Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps, they should carry this message to other fanatics and practice these principles in all our affairs. (“We’re cured! Drinks are on me.”)

Read more articles by Danny Gallagher