Commentary Track

Macho Movie Men with Girlie Names

Posted by Maggie Van Ostrand (maggie@filmschoolrejects.com) on November 28, 2007

We at FSR love movie trivia and have come up with a list of actors with girlie names. Partly written and totally inspired by mental_floss writers Sandy (a guy) Wood and Kara (not a guy) Kovalchi, you might be more interested in finding out even more irrelevant ‘toids about show business than you would be in spending the holiday season trying to figure out what it is that Paris Hilton actually does.

We’ve seen just about everything a celeb has to offer from crotch shots to mug shots, thanks to TMZ and YouTube. Why then should the girlie names of some macho celebs be any different? Here are a few for your dancing pleasure:

Nicholas Kim Cage (Nicholas Kim Coppola)

Maybe it’s the name that’s making Nic choose such crappy movies to make. We know what he’s capable of (Leaving Las Vegas) and are forced to conclude that he must have been struck down by the infamous Oscar curse — the little golden statuette first made him rich and then screwed him out of having any judgment.

Mel Columcille Gibson

If anybody in Hollywood is still talking to Mel(tdown) Gibson, they might find his girlie name of Columcille a better one to call him than the names they’ve been using since his DUI. On that’s right — since then, nobody’s been calling him at all.

Humphrey DeForest Bogart

Ranked by the American Film Institute as The Greatest Male Star of all time, Bogie took on tough guy roles and managed to live down that name all the way to Casablanca and back. He also overcame having been the original model for the commercial label of a popular baby food. (Don’t call and tell me it was Gerber. It was Mellins.)

Drew Allison Carey

Seeing as how he’s the least girlie-looking actor this side of Wilford Brimley, if anyone can get away with a femme name like Allison, it’s him. Of course we still have to deal with the Drew part.

Benjamin Géza Affleck

Best pals with Matt Paige Damon, we kind of like both their names but that’s just us. Besides, anyone who has an insurance company named after him is okay in our book.

Richard Tiffany Gere

If anyone should be named Tiffany, it’s Richard. Maybe the Pretty Woman wasn’t Julie Roberts after all. Was it a case of revenge when he named his son Jigme?

Quincy Delight Jones

Doesn’t matter that this is a girlie name in the extreme. With all Q has given the entertainment industry, his mama could’ve named him Caroline and it wouldn’t have de-macho’d him in the least.

Woody Tracy Harrelson

If we play Six Degrees from Woody Harrelson, we get that he was once a bartender at Cheers where Spencer Benaventure Tracy might’ve hung out to get blasted. We conclude that must be how Woody got Tracy’s name.

Jodie Foster’s middle name is Christian, as in Mutiny on the Bounty. So okay, she doesn’t have a girlie middle name, she has a dudie. Demi Moore has one, too. Her middle name is Gene. And it’s not politically correct to think that Elton John’s middle name is Marjorie. It’s Kenneth. And the long-time Western icon and man among men, John Wayne, was born Marion Morrison. So much for “What’s in a name?”

The good news is that Jack Bauer’s real name is Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland. Take your pick, there’s something for everybody. The name Dempsey alone has more hair on it than all the fanboys put together.

Don’t mind me, folks, blame in the Strike.

Read more articles by Maggie Van Ostrand