Humor
Eight Summer Movies That Are Sure to Suck Ass
Posted by Kevin Carr (kevin@filmschoolrejects.com) on May 4, 2008
As we launch into the summer movie season, the internet is abuzz with anticipation for movies like The Dark Knight and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. But even as Iron Man is cracking $100 million in its first few days out, we are reminded of other movies that fill the movie houses along with the hits.
For every Iron Man, there is a Made of Honor. And this summer is going to be filled with crap as much as it will be filled with awesomeness. So, in an effort to protect the moviegoing public, here’s my cautionary list of eight summer movies that are sure to suck ass (in chronological order).
Flame on!
Postal (May 23)
Why it will suck: Come on, people! It’s Uwe Boll. He may think this film will be a work of genius, but it is clearly the oppo-site! Does anyone think it’s going to be even watchable. Sure, the trailers look like this film might be the exception to the Boll Rule, but I wouldn’t start laying down the Vegas odds on this one.
Who will cause the suckage: Uwe Boll… he has the Roto-Rooter touch.
The Foot Fist Way (May 30)
Why it will suck: Okay, the redband trailer was decent enough, for the language shock value. But outside of a semi-funny Hot Rod rip-off premise (with the rustic sidekick Danny McBride instead of the funnier Andy Samberg), does anyone think this film will be able to sustain itself past the first ten minutes? I know our illustrious Executive Editor Neil Miller declared this to be one of the must-see movies this summer, but I have to disagree with him. Maybe… maybe on video. And even then, it would take some convincing.
Who will cause the suckage: Danny McBride… he’s funny in supporting roles, but I shudder at the thought of him headlining a film.
You Don’t Mess With The Zohan (June 6)
Why it will suck: After seeing the trailers for this movie, I truly believe that the only good thing to come from this will be a Who’s That Hottie feature on Emmanuelle Chriqui. Otherwise, it’s Adam Sandler at his unfunny worst. While director Dennis Dugan’s had some decent (emphasis on decent; not great) comedies with The Benchwarmers and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, he also has crap like National Security and Saving Silverman to his credit. And considering that Judd Apatow’s recent disappointments in Walk Hard and Drillbit Taylor prove he’s not bulletproof, this film could be a real stinker.
Who will cause the suckage: Adam Sandler… he sucks in any movie where he talks funny.
Kung Fu Panda (June 6)
Why it will suck: Sometimes DreamWorks animation gives us quality films, like the original Shrek. Other times, we get crap, like Shark Tale. Take the Jack Black formula from Shark Tale and make him an ass-kicking panda, and you’ll probably get more crap. Oh, the kids will flock to this one, and it will make tons of cash, but the movie is going to be bad beyond belief.
Who will cause the suckage: Jack Black… do you think he might scat in this film?
The Love Guru (June 20)
Why it will suck: For every possible reason under the sun. Mike Myers is struggling to get another now that Austin Powers has run its course. But this feels like a bad SNL sketch forced into a feature-length film. I don’t care about the Hindi protests to this movie. The trailers scare me enough. Still, at least he’s not doing a Scottish accent this time.
Who will cause the suckage: Mike Myers… think The Cat in the Hat tries to do Austin Powers.
Hancock (July 2)
Why it will suck: Here’s where I’m really going out on a limb because Hollywood and some hype-meisters are pushing the idea that this will be a huge summer movie. Sure, it’s got Will Smith in it, and he hasn’t made a flop for years. But does anyone remember Wild Wild West? While some folks like director Peter Berg, I’ve never found his stories that well constructed or his characters all that great. I just get a queasy feeling when watching the trailers to this movie… like something bad is going to happen.
Who will cause the suckage: Peter Berg… hold the camera still for once, chump!
Meet Dave (July 11)
Why it will suck: How could it not? It’s Eddie Murphy colossally unfunny follow-up to Norbit. There’s a huge Pluto Nash stench surrounding this movie, and the trailer (which is always supposed to show the funniest moments) is about as clever and humorous as a kidney stone attack. The scariest thing about this movie is that because Norbit did well, I’m sure this one will bank, and we’re probably looking at another Academy Award nomination. Ugh. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Who will cause the suckage: Eddie Murphy…. and Eddie Murphy… and Eddie Murphy… need we say more?
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (August 1)
Why it will suck: You might say that as the follow-up to relatively lame The Scorpion King, this third installment of the Mummy series is treading on dangerous ground. Then, you have to notice the August release date, which usually means the film isn’t good enough to go against the good stuff in the summer. Then you have to recognize that Brendan Fraiser’s other film (Journey to the Center of the Earth) at least has a cool gimmick.
Who will cause the suckage: Brendan Fraiser… he’s really trying to save his career, isn’t he.
Read more articles by Kevin Carr
16 Comments
May 4th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Kevin, I think this is the first list I completely agree with you on. Nice job. Oh, but you forgot to mention Brian Robbins, the Uwe Boll of comedy, in the Meet Dave part.
May 4th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Whoa, whoa, whoa!! While you got a few of these right - Love Guru, Meet Dave, Mummy 3 - there are a few that are WAY WAY WAY off base.
Kung Fu Panda I have seen and is a GREAT movie. And Zohan may look bad to some in theory but I think it looks like a pretty damn good comedy! Why do you have so much hatred for those two? Wah wah, complain complain, but honestly both of those look much better than all of the others you mentioned and shouldn’t be lumped in to this entire category.
May 4th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
I am not a comic book guy for the most part and had never heard of Iron Man before the previews to this movie. I almost didn’t even go see it, but the good reviews by the critics made me decide to give it a chance. I was NOT disappointed. It was fantastic. I wrote a whole review too. Check it out at our site, http://mysocialstandards.blogspot.com to see it.
May 4th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
I think Zohan will be passable and probably one of Sandler’s funnier films of the past decade, but that’s not saying much.
I think, against my initial reactions, Hancock will rock ass.
Signed on everything else though.
May 4th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
im glad im not the only one who thinks hancock is going to be horrible. after every trailer i see, the more i was sure its going to be horrible. after reading hollywoods take and hearing people talk about how awesome it was going to be, i thought i had lost faith in people’s sense. but thanks to you mr. carr, you have saved it.
May 5th, 2008 at 12:11 am
My gut says that Hancock will be good. I think it has a strong lead (Will Smith), a decent
plot, and a lot of opportunities for laughs.
It really could go either way, and I think it’s far from “sure”. It might “suck ass” or it might
be “worth $10, but not amazing”.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:09 am
How is The Foot Fist Way a Hot Rod rip-off? It was made in 2006….
May 5th, 2008 at 10:35 am
“Pitka (Mike Myers) is an American raised by gurus who returns to Canada in order to break into the self-help business. His first challenge is to settle the romantic troubles and subsequent professional skid of star Toronto Maple Leafs hockey player Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco), whose wife Prudence (Meagan Good) left him for rival skater Jacques Grande (Justin Timberlake). Jessica Alba plays Jane Bullard, the owner of the team and Pitka’s love interest.”
lol could this get any more formulaic and boring?
May 5th, 2008 at 11:14 am
anyone with a computer and an in for a way to make money can say whatever they want about anything.
it’s come to a point now where i blame the audience for believing it, not the people writing this garbage.
film school reject indeed. you don’t know what you’re talking about.
May 5th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Let me step in and place a movie on this list no one here dare say…..as you say that Apatow shows no bulletproofness, I dare say the Wachowski’s have been really riding the success of the FIRST Matrix ever since (name one good thing they have actually done that wasn’t the years-too-late sequels, which S U C K E D), and that Speed Racer, though it will make its money back, is the one film I think of all the ones that are going to suck this year, will make the most money doing it.
I nearly choked when my friend saw the trailer and said he thought his XBox 360 must have taken a tab of LSD and puked this up.
May 5th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
V for Vendetta wasn’t too bad, actually if it wasn’t so biting with political/social commentary it would have been a good movie.
May 5th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
TV Spy: V for Vendetta was the movie that made me come to realize exactly why I now agree with Alan Moore’s attitude concerning his work being made into movies; his writing is so dense it cannot ever be made into a satisfactory visual performance….If you have never read the graphic novel, the movie is quite good in and of itself. (and before you ask, I toss Watchmen on the pile for next year’s worst movies already) but again, it rides along on the coattails of the first Matrix movie, even casting Hugo Weaving as V, a role which actually has no real face, so anybody could have been V (a subtle inside nod to the allusion posited within the graphic novel itself) without it necessarily having to be a known name actor.
And the amount of biting political/social commentary you mention? That may be one of the few things that was retained almost verbatim from the graphic novel, even though it had to be retrofitted to the current post-9/11 landscape in order to make it relevant to now, and one of the few things I actually liked about the movie per se.
May 5th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Here’s a list of my top worst movies of this summer based on the trailers or, in some cases, the people involved:
1. Made of Honour - Modern-day romantic-comedies are neither romantic nor comedic. They are vacuous, generic, and cater to the lowest common denominator and have absolutely no artistic merit.
2. What Happens in Vegas - See #1.
3. The Love Guru - Rarely do comedies these days make me laugh, maybe because they feel like a weak SNL sketch stretched to breaking point.
4. You Don’t Mess with the Zohan - See #3.
5. Meet Dave - See #3. This one’s awfulness seems to be like a cross between Norbit and Pluto Nash.
6. The Accidental Husband - See #1.
7. Speed Racer - Maybe because I’m not 6 anymore. The movie looks bad anyway.
8. Wanted - Looks better than Lara Croft, which is not saying much. It’s an excuse for a couple of cool, if fake-looking, action sequences.
9. The Happening - Everything MNS has done after The Sixth Sense has been either weak or just plain awful. Trailer didn’t intrigue me one bit even though its purpose was to intrigue.
10. Hancock
11. Journey to the Center of the Earth
12. Step Brothers - See #3. I watched 40-Year Old Virgin on TV and was bored by it and giggled maybe twice, and I refuse to see Knocked Up, and I never got on the Apatow band wagon.
13. Pineapple Express - See #12.
14. The Mummy 3 - Mummy 1 was mediocre, Mummy 2 was plain awful, Rob Cohen made XXX, Fast & Furious, Daylight, Stealth, and Sommers’ movies are all crap.
15. Babylon AD
The first 6 on this list are my worst.
May 6th, 2008 at 1:46 am
Shrek was quality?! That’s the funniest thing I read all day. Thanks.
May 6th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Now why would someone list Hancock and Don’t Mess With The Zohan under this heading? Maybe a film school drop out who’s never gonna make a living in movies unless it’s bitching about movies?
So you don’t like Adam Sanbdle or Will Smith, big deal, that doesn’t mean the movies will suck. The trailers look great so why not quit bitching and write something yourself?
May 6th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Matt Mosely: Good looking trailers don’t always translate to good movies, especially when all the best jokes/one liners/etc. are all stuffed into it in order to draw your attention to see the movie, then when you go see it you realize all the best stuff was in the trailer and there’s still 90 minutes or more of movie time filled with shite.
I do think Hancock (and I have seen the trailer), like Speed Racer and Zohan, will make back its money for the studios and all, but will suck nonetheless. I do like Will Smith but think this is going to be a miss on his resume, and no, I don’t happen to like Adam Sandler much, but he’s not the reason Zohan is going to suck, it’s the whole idea….and Hollywood actually wonders why people aren’t going to the movies like they used to.