I don’t watch Spike because I didn’t date rape anyone in college, but I’m starting to think that I should.

Watch the station, not date rape someone.

Why? Because apparently they have a show where science (science!) determines who would win in an epic battle of the most intense warriors of all time.

Now, we can report that Night at the Museum director Shawn Levy (who’s currently wrapping Real Steel) wants to bring Deadliest Warrior to the big screen.

With an endeavor this large, there’s no way the production could limit it to just one pair of brawlers, so even though the plot is being kept secret, I’ll take a stab at it:

The year is 2022, and scientists have successfully cloned a whole host of important figures from the past, but it wasn’t financially lucrative until Vince McMahon created the Deadliest Warrior Fighting League – pitting samurai, ninjas, Comanche fighters, pirates, knights and other foes against each other for total domination. Since they’re clones…it’s a fight to the death. The nation grows to love it and want more, so the melee style battle is developed, and suddenly the future is back to the Roman menace of the Colosseum.

At least, that’s the movie I’d want to see.

Shawn Levy has a family-friendly sort of style to him, and it’s unclear whether he’ll actually take on the director’s seat or not, but there’s an opportunity hear for bloodlust and an opportunity for PG action that makes pirates look like French dandies and makes French pirates look like Belgian dandies.

Choose wisely, Shawn Levy. Choose wisely.

Now when are we going to get that Deadliest Catch adaptation?

Who would win anyway? I say, Death Star.