Barbie is Ready for Her Big Screen Close-Up

Posted by Robin Ruinsky (robin@filmschoolrejects.com) on September 24, 2009

It’s coming. Can you feel the excitement in the air? Finally after what seems like a lifetime of excruciating anticipation, Barbara Millicent Roberts will have her day in the cinematic sun. Better known by her nickname, Barbie, she’s on her way to a theater near you in a live action film. Universal Pictures negotiated with Mattel for the rights to portray the plastic doll on the big screen.  Laurence Mark, Julie and Julia, will produce.

I felt that this topic demanded some research to find out who could play the plastic Amazon. What I discovered is that there are some estimates that Barbie as a real woman would be six feet tall and weigh one hundred pounds with measurements that would range to 39-20-33

Who is out there who can play her? Or will Hollywood which is filled with women who have had plastic surgery to look like Barbie, go for someone who looks human?

And now I need to make a confession. As a young child, I once tried to kill Barbie. I put her in the Barbie car and rolled her in front of an ice cream truck. My plan didn’t work. Barbie was a better driver than I could have imagined and she didn’t succumb under the wheels of the truck.

Now that you know I’m not objective about Barbie, I can say that the thought of her on the big screen is even more terrifying that that live action/cgi Smurf movie that’s being made. It’s more terrifying than Ryan Seacrest replacing Sir Ian McKellan in the Hobbit. (I made that up so don’t pass out.)

How will this movie play out? Yes, Barbie has had a remarkable number of occupations for someone who can’t bend her arms or legs. She’s been an astronaut, a teacher, a beauty queen, a pilot, has hot tubs, houses, cars, horses, dogs and still remains faithful to her longtime boyfriend Ken. Of course considering their anatomy that’s no big feat.

Will the movie explore the life of Barbara Millicent Roberts from birth? And who knew Barbie had a name other than Barbie?

Is this going to be a thriller about Barbie being blackmailed about her origins as a sex toy named Lili who was popular in Germany? Or will Lili come to the United States to look up her cousin Barbie, creating all kinds of wild complications with Ken? Or will this be something along the lines of Barbie: A New Beginning?
These questions and many others might be answered. Or not.

It depends on who directs it. David Cronenberg? Are you listening? How does Barbie VS the Fly sound to you?

Read more articles by Robin Ruinsky