Like Garth Ennis’s Preacher, it’s hard to imagine a series like The Boys having an easy time making it to the big screen. It’s dark, unconventional, brutal, and funny in ways most people wouldn’t deem “commercial.” It’s a great series with a lot of potential, potential that director Adam McKay definitely sees. The project had been at Columbia Pictures for sometime, but they just recently dropped it.

I reached out to McKay for an update, who responded the project’s still very much alive.”It’s not dead. Two studios very interested. Love Sony but they made a mistake,” said McKay. As for whether they’ll continue to try to make an R-rated version of The Boys, the answer is no. But that doesn’t mean we are going to get a neutered down adaptation of Ennis’s world, according to McKay, “It’s now PG-13. But I found cool ways to keep it edgy. Nolan does so much with that rating. I want this movie to have the conceptual floor of MIB: the police for the superheroes, with the bad ass action groove of The Matrix or Oldboy.”

A mixture of Men in Black, The Matrix, and Oldboy is definitely a film I’d want to see, especially coming from McKay. [THR]

The average movie run time is somewhere around the ninety minute mark. (I have no stats to back that statement up, but it feels about right.) There are several reasons for this, but the two most common probably have as much to do with the short attention span of audiences as it does the desire of studios and theaters to fit more screenings in per day. To those I would add that most movies don’t need more than two hours to tell their story.

But some do. Think Schindler’s List, The Godfather Part II, and JFK. These are big movies telling big stories, and they show that sometimes a film needs a longer canvas.

Once Upon a Time in Anatolia is not one of those films. Which is unfortunate, because in every regard other than time management this is a fairly fascinating and engaging character drama.

“There’s good people and bad. You can never tell. If it comes to it, you have to be ruthless. And shoot them right between the eyes.”

Three cars make their way slowly across a vast and hilly plain at dusk. They come to a rest and several men exit and gather nearby. Two of them are in handcuffs, suspects in a murder, while the rest are on-hand to ensure the victim’s corpse is recovered and justice is served.

Or are they?

Several of policemen, soldiers and laymen seem utterly disinterested in the matter at hand. Geography, gossip and the number of times their fellow officers take a pee break seem to be more important than the murder suspect crammed into the seat between them. The prosecutor and doctor repeatedly return to a conversation about a woman who may or may not have killed herself while others get into a heated argument about buffalo yogurt.

That’s not to say there aren’t bigger questions to be found. The confessed murderer, Kenan (Firat Tanis), is mostly silent as he tries and fails to lead them to the body. Presumably it’s because the hills, trees, and small fountains look too similar in the dark, but could there be another reason he can’t quite find the right spot? Why is no one concerned when a second man confesses? What’s up with the dead man enjoying the cup of tea?

But as the evening sets in and makes its long trek toward morning it becomes clear the characters’ interest in the mundane is matched by the entirety of writer/director Nuri Bilge Ceylan’s film. Larger issues both practical and philosophical are teased sporadically throughout, but the overriding concern remains the smaller stories between characters. Those larger concerns are left to linger, and instead we see the inherent good and bad in how these people treat, judge and interact with their friends and neighbors. The developing discussion between Nusret (Taner Birsel) the prosecutor and Dr. Cemal (Muhammet Uzuner) about the woman actually becomes the most telling and engaging thread across the more than two and a half hour running time.

That damn two and a half hour running time.

The film’s length seems to exist in directly inverse proportion to the size of the stories being told. We see the relationships between characters, including the distinctions  that exist due to their individual cultures and daily lives, and learn what makes many of them tick. But these small discoveries are spread across a seemingly endless chronological landscape. Ceylan never moves his camera at a speed faster than snail, and we’re treated to long, static shots with little in the way of relevant action.

Granted, the film looks beautiful even as it threatens to eat up the next three days of your life. The opening hour takes place almost exclusively at night and sees many of its scenes lit solely with automobile headlights, but they look stunning. Some scenes take on a dreamlike quality as well including one where the group is welcomed into a home to rest and are served tea by an ethereally attractive and silent woman.

Ceylan’s film is telling of the society and people that make up the mostly rural Turkish region, and his characters are an intriguing blend of personalities. The ways in which they interact with each other and with the more mundane aspects of a bureaucracy are revealing, and even at over 150 minutes they never bore. Just imagine if they didn’t have to share the screen with an extra hour of filler…

The Upside: Beautiful nighttime cinematography; enough intriguing scenes and exchanges to fill a 90 minute movie

The Downside: Overly long for the tale(s) being told

On the Side: One of the plot keywords IMDB uses for this film is “Dead body in a car trunk.” There are 26 other films that also use it.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; Truck Turner isn’t just what we call Brian when Tacos-On-Wheels runs out of Baja sauce. Welcome back suckas, to the Internet’s freshest bad movie column; this month featuring a funky twist. This is Blaxploitation History Month: Sequel Edition. Every week in February, we’ll be rolling out another super bad blaxploitation sequel that’s so whack we can’t help but dig it. We’ll lay down some cold-blooded mockery on said film, going upside its head with its own numerous faults, but then will jump back, kiss ourselves, and get hip to all the reasons we think these movies are dy-no-mite. To top it off, we’ll serve you with a badass, and bad for you, snack food item themed to the movie.

Today’s jive turkey: The Human Tornado.

What Makes It Bad?

The Human Tornado is the sequel to Dolemite. How that sentence isn’t scribbled on some Mayan temple wall next to references of fallen empires and circling comets is beyond me. But as it is 2012, it seemed all-the-more appropriate to crack the seal on this doomsday capsule. Dolemite, as you recall (because your therapy clearly isn’t working), is the story (read: slapped-together case of visual Tourettes) of a lovable pimp sent to prison for a crime he didn’t commit. Upon release, he takes his revenge through a series of half-finished scenes, costume changes, and lyrical freestyle sessions in which he proceeds to tie us all up and mercilessly rap us…rap us right in the ears. But clearly, this is a man whose ineffable charm and epic heroic qualities could not be contained in just one movie. Enter The Human Tornado…exit your will to live.

The movie kicks off with one of the most spastic, nonsensical title sequences history of spastic, nonsensical title sequences; a history encompassing nearly 300 years if I’m not lying. Every person credited is bestowed their own individual font style and color; choking up the screen with silly and giving the distinct impression that The Human Tornado is set on the rough Streets of Sesame. The film sees the flabtastic hero Dolemite working as a nightclub comedian by evening and an expensive manwhore by day. True to the spirit of what really sets the Dolemite franchise apart from, you know, real movies, the “writer” of The Human Tornado both celebrates the familiar ways in which Rudy Ray Moore was ill-equipped for stardom and creates entirely new mediums to further explore his untalentedness. Turns out he’s just as inept at stand-up comedy as he is at being naked. So he’s hired by the desperate(ly unattractive) wife of the local sheriff for clumsy, well-feed sexulations. The sheriff, whose racial sensitivity makes Buford T. Justice look Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall, is alerted that a party of non-whites is occurring and rallies a posse of plain-clothes clansmen to break it up. He finds his hatchet-faced beloved in bed with a far-more-nude-than-any-of-us-needed-to-see Dolemite and shoots her in the upper face. Dolemite is of course framed for the shooting, and blamed (arguably rightfully) for the guy he totally does shoot, and must go on the run; hijacking a flamboyantly gay man’s car and heading to California to meet up with his old ally Queen Bee. You know, hero stuff.

This represents the closest The Human Tornado ever comes to having a plot. Let me be clear, I’ve seen plenty of non-movies in my time, films that abandon the tedious, mainstream constraint of a narrative throughline in favor of a pastiche of formless visual ejaculations. The first film is a great example of this, in particular the moment wherein the film grinds to halt in order to give Rudy Ray Moore a pulpit from which to deliver his hip-hop sermon from the Book of Jo-Mama. What I’ve never seen is several non-films crammed within one singular non-film. The Human Tornado plays out less like a movie and more like a variety show, featuring extended sequences of Broadway dancers, lounge singers, comedians, and Central American nunchuckers; no part of that sentence is a joke. It was as if the director thought, “if we load up the movie with people who are good at things that have nothing to do with the film, subconsciously the audience will be fooled into thinking we’re good at making movies!” There is also a subplot about an old witch woman who operates a torture chamber in which two unfortunate ladies find themselves trapped. Apparently the filmmakers were very concerned that the one demographic this franchise had not yet catered to was burgeoning serial killers.  Poking its head through the thicket of nonsense is some shoehorned story about Dolemite taking down the mob, but only because the writer was required by blaxploitation law to include it.

The showcasing of people who are all very skilled at things that don’t belong in this movie is aligned with scenes of things that make no sense regardless of context; all them proving that The Human Tornado is sexually charged…or rather should be charged under a number of sex crimes statutes. The police chief in L.A., where Dolemite is hiding out, calls in his “best man” to track him down. When he calls this “best man,” the detective in question is engaged in what appears to be the rape of a female officer. He pauses to take the call before returning to his twisted application of law enforcedsex. And then of course, there’s the scene in which we see Dolemite seduce a woman, watch as she gets undressed, and then get down to some real dirty exercise. No that’s not a euphemism, they actually get very nude and take in a few reps with the Nordic track apparatus hanging above the bed. In addition to illustrating the writer’s unresolved body issues, scientists now credit this scene with the discovery of the cure for sex addiction.

But the weirdest thing in the movie, and high in the running for the single weirdest eyeball intrusion to which I’ve ever subjected myself, is the point at which The Human Tornado splits off into this tangential dream sequence/sex-terrogation scene. It’s downright arthouse, and by that I mean it’s initiated by hideous ART and looks like it takes place in a carnival funHOUSE. Dolemite arrives at the home of the mob boss’ wife with the intention of humping some information out of her as to the location of the missing girls (the ones being imprisoned in the torture chamber of JiggaSaw. He masquerades as an artist and shows her a velvet painting of an interracial couple embracing. As he anticipates, this of course sends her into an uncontrollable sexual frenzy that causes her to not only bang Dolemite, but all the while fantasize about a circus stage in which she lies on three giant wooden blocks that spell out the word bed as a bevvy of black Adonises file out of a trunk marked “toy box.” I really do wish I was making this up because it means I wouldn’t have had to actually witness it on screen. I’m not going to touch the sociopolitical implications of a white woman keeping several black men in a box, but these men then take turns hurling themselves wang-first down a slide and onto the eager woman’s naked body. It’s either the most avant-garde or absolute worst porn you’ve ever seen depending on how drunk/horny/self-loathing you feel.

Why I Love It!

The Human Tornado‘s function as a film is clear to me now, to make Dolemite look like Citizen Goddamn Kane. The filmmakers must have taken stock of the bad sound and even worse martial arts of Dolemite, because they strive to fashion ways to correct both issues…failing spectacularly at doing so. To correct the nearly inaudible line delivery of Dolemite, they decided to ADR nearly every single line of dialogue in The Human Tornado and lay it over footage shot like a home movie. What this leads to is a film that seems like a documentary about mentally disturbed people. We get scenes like the one wherein Dolemite comes out of a shoe store, clearly not moving his lips, and the ADR has him saying, “great new shoes for my feet…now I can get me something sweet to eat.” It happens all through the movie and reminds me of those segments on Mr. Rodgers’ Neighborhood where he would tour a cheese factory or get a root canal and would then narrate his own adventure after-the-fact. I know it’s been said by every respected film historian you’ve ever read, but I’ll go ahead and reiterate that The Human Tornado is even more hysterical to watch if you image that he’s one of Mr. Rodgers’ neighbors. “I’m comin’ for ya, Mr. MuthaFUCKin’ McFeeley.”

As to the martial arts in The Human Tornado, it isn’t so much that the fight sequences are “better”as much as they are “considerably sped up so you don’t notice how bad they are.” Rudy Ray Moore didn’t get any more skillful at throwing a punch and making it look remotely believable so they just had him do it slower and then went back and hit the fast-forward button in the editing booth. This not-so-brilliant cheat ends up defining the whole damn movie; the “speed” with which Dolemite “strikes” is what “earns” him the nickname the “human” tornado. The result is that we, the audience, are left to conclude that that he learned his ancient fighting style from revered kung-fu master Benny Hill. Despite Human Tornado‘s best efforts to make its fight scenes unwatchable, they are actually a lot of fun; aided in no small way by Rudy Ray Moore’s combat grunts…or rather his impressions of Bruce Lee possessed by the demon Pazuzu. I also find it hilarious that, realizing that they still had that mixing board anyway, the editors actually pause the film, rewind it, and replay certain scenes. My favorite of these being the one wherein they replay a stunt in which Rudy Ray Moore jumps head-first down a hill. During the replay, he espouses in voice-over, “y’all don’t believe I jumped, so watch this good shit!” Unfortunately we see the shot again from the same obscuring distance, providing no further evidence that the person jumping is actually Rudy Ray Moore.

Once again, a blaxploitation movie as bad as The Human Tornado finds one level on which to excel: the theme song. It’s basically just a constant restating of the film’s title over and over, with a few absrud lyrics mumbled in between, but if you’re going to be the personification of a natural disaster, there are only like four of five better choices than the tornado. I’m sorry, but if you listen to the opening song here and don’t aspire to be a human tornado yourself, or at the very least a “bad motor scooter,” I’m not sure we can be friends anymore. Also, listen very closely for the line in the song that sounds an awful lot like Rudy Ray declaring himself to be a “notarizer.” He actually says that he’s been “known to rise up,” but it took me several viewings to realize he wasn’t actually letting me know he was available to sign off on these alterations to my will. I’m leaving everything to the Dolemite Foundation for Talent-Challenged Actors.

Junkfood Pairing: Texas Tornado Cake

As I currently live in Texas, and this movie is called The Human Tornado, my first choice for the junkfood pairing was of course creme brulee, but then I remembered that I’m still not quite sure what creme brulee is so instead I fell back on the slightly less on-the-nose Texas Tornado Cake. Sorry, I know it makes no sense. As Rudy Ray would say, “spin this cake around inside your mouth, before Dolemite makes you laugh so hard you spit it out…th.”

Rot your teeth with more Junkfood Cinema

X-Men: First Class

With Vaughn recently announced to helm the sequel to his poppy origin story, hopefully he’ll continue to build a new X-Men film universe. Who wouldn’t want to see characters like Gambit and Angel all finally given justice, and in the 1970s nonetheless? I would. Whether or not that’ll happen is still up in the air, but it seems plausible.

Although Jane Goldman isn’t officially attatched to pen the sequel and she’s got plenty of other projects on her schedule, I couldn’t help but to discuss the potential of a sequel, as well as her plans for Nate Simpson‘s Nonyplayer:

You’re working on a lot of projects and I’m not sure if you’re attatched to write the sequel, but, if you do, would you ever consider bringing back, say, Cyclops or Jean Grey?

You know, I can always make suggestions, and I did last time. Ultimately, those decisions come down to someone other than me. Would I, personally? Well, it’s really tricky. I think the route we had gone down with First Class — it’s sort of a question of where to go next, and I think those two characters were very strong, especially having [Michael] Fassbender and [James] McAvoy play them so brilliantly. In a comic sense, I still think there’s room for an X-Men [film] with the original X-Men [Laughs]. In terms of how they fit in this new universe that First Class kicked off, I don’t know. I mean, yes, I think there’s room for that. All sorts of ideas have been talked about and Matthew has some particular ideas, and, in this case, all of those decisions will be done through Matthew.

I think the style of the film really set it up apart from the other X-Men films, where it felt like a new universe.

I definitely think so, and I think that was Matthew’s intention. I think there were moments where there was continuity with the other X-Men movie universe, and there were moments it was apart from that. I think it was the right way to go, for Matthew to make it a separate entity.

I know this was just recently announced and I’m not sure if you’ve started writing it yet, but how’s the process been on Nonplayer so far, in creating a whole world on the page?

It’s been fascinating and has new challenges, which is great. The first issue is absolutely brilliant, and I just fell in love with it the minute I saw it. The rest of the arc that they have right now is absolutely genius, and it has so many ideas in it. The first one you don’t really get a sense of how much is going to be in the story and how many weird, cool technology ideas are in there. Actually, it’s kind of wrestling with things like — it’s not just introducing the idea that there’s one particular game people play, but it’s about six completely new and different technologies I have not seen invented in a film before, at all. My gosh, how do you introduce all of those elements? In fact, a lot of them are just very, very cool background elements. It’s a challenge of introducing something, and making it feel natural. It’s not like you have an outsider coming in from another place or another time, where you can go, “Yeah, this is a so-and-so, and it does this!” You have to find a natural place within the story to introduce these perfectly cool futuristic concepts. I’m really, really excited by it. I’m looking forward to getting back to that one.

Make sure to check back in the next few days for our full interview with Jane Goldman.

It’s been a while since we’ve published an edition of Better Know a Reject, our sometimes series that focuses on the personalities behind the wonderful content you read every day here on FSR, but that doesn’t mean we can’t just start up again. And as we begin a new year and get ready to celebrate the sixth birthday of this site, we can’t help but bring it all back around to the people who make it all go ’round. Our hope is to do one or two of these every month, just a little something to help you connect with the brilliant minds who entertain and enlighten you with their unending passion for the world of film.

This time around we’re Q’ing and A’ing with Reel Sex columnist Gwen Reyes, who just celebrated her one year anniversary of writing for FSR on February 9th. My, how time flies when you’re having fun and talking about sexy things. Gwen became known to us through her work on the now defunct Gordon and the Whale and her personally owned site Reel Vixen, the latter of which continues to deliver amazing conversations with a female perspective from not just Ms. Reyes, but other names you’ll recognize from the pages of FSR. She’s multi-talented, incredibly bright and a key component to the success of this very site (apparently you guys like reading about sex — who knew!). So cuddle up and lets have some pillow talk with our resident sexpert.

Why did you want to write for Film School Rejects, as opposed to some other, more respectable publication?

Other than having the opportunity to surround myself with writers far more talented and loquacious than me, I really wanted the chance to write about how much I like watching the dirty movies many people consider art. The quirk, attention to detail, and love of films on FSR astounds me daily, and I have made it a goal to break bread and wine bottles with each Reject who’ll have me.

What is your first movie memory?

It’s a toss-up between the introduction of the creepy butterfly in The Last Unicorn and an amputation scene in Glory. My parents didn’t trust babysitters, so they often took my brother and me to a late movie, slip me some Benadryl, and it was night-night for Gwen. Unfortunately, I had this terribly annoying habit of waking up in the middle of the most random moments, including a horrific scene in a movie I have yet to see the whole way through. That might also explain my pension for the little pink allergy pill and discomfort around Civil War re-enactors.

What unique qualities will readers of Film School Rejects find in your writing? What do you bring to the table?

I think my most unique quality is coming up with different cutesy alternative phrases for vagina (lady pocket, lady bits, tenders) and sex (sexy sex time, grind it out, startin’ fires). Come to think of it, I guess I should work on some for man meat, huh? Don’t want the men to feel underrepresented.

I also like really dirty jokes, but I’m terrible at writing them.

If you had to defend yourself, would you rather have Freddy’s claws, Bond’s pistol, or Rosebud the sled?

While Freddy’s claws and Bond’s pistol would ensure I’d never have to touch the person to defend myself, one only works in nightmares and the other I’d have to drink a lot of vodka to operate properly (I mean, okay, yes that really isn’t a problem for me). I’d chose Rosebud because that guarantees I lived the life I’ve set out for myself—become a reclusive, eccentric billionaire unable to connect to any living person. Owning Rosebud also means I could come back to life, after nearly dying of old age, due to the new organs I purchased with my billions, and once again proving that money is the most important tool in warfare—at least that’s what the government has been saying during tax time for years. ROOOOSSSEEEEE BUD

If you were forced to choose only one movie to recommend to everyone you ever meet for the rest of your life, what movie would that be, and why?

Wow, that’s a lot of pressure. I mean, in essence I’m shaping young minds with whatever I suggest. (I may or may not think that highly of my own opinion). There are so many great movies that should be mandatory in anyone’s personal film growth, but then there are some really terrible movies people need to watch to know life is in fact not that fucked up. Mental stimulation versus guilty pleasure—which angle do I take?

Oh alright, I’m not curing cancer here. I’m a writer for a reason, since I barely passed my science classes. I’d go with Love, Actually. It is not only full of well written, compelling characters, including a chubby girl winning the heart of the English Prime Minister (what could be a better fantasy??) it also serves as my quintessential Christmas movie. Just like the internet, I don’t remember life before Love, Actually but I sure as hell cannot live without it now.

What is your number one passion outside the world of movies?

When I’m not watching movies, writing about movies, or falling asleep old-lady style during movies, I find myself studying the impressive display of beards around me. Maybe it’s because I can’t grow one, or maybe it’s because I delight so much in the acrobatics of a well planned out facial muff, but I love beard spotting. They never go out of fashion, it’s an automatic identifier of a mountain man, and if grown by the right guy, I can keep my lipstick and keys in there.

What do you love about movies?

I love escaping into worlds that are beyond me, full of tall romantic men, heists that ALWAYS end with the criminals getting away with millions, jokes that never fall flat, sexy Dodge Chargers, and the incredible discovery of gravity technology on space ships. Movies celebrate the creative and remain a lasting art form that I hope to share with my future children fathered by Gerard Butler and Jon Hamm.

Check out our previous installments of Better Know a Reject:

• Nathan Adams

I interview a lot of people — it’s part and parcel to the job of entertainment journalism. It’s not generally my favorite thing, as I’m almost always more interested in writing about my film experience and discussing said experience with the screenwriters, whom I rarely find myself in a room with. More often than not I’m visiting an actor who has spent the better part of the day repeating themselves and building up a frothy disdain for the questions I’m trying to avoid, but eventually going to have to ask. There has been very little, if any, gravity to my interview experience. They’re mostly non-events.

…until last week.

I had no expectation that I would be sitting across from the step-father of a brutally murdered child when I arrived in Santa Barbara on the twenty sixth. To be honest I could think of few things I’d want less, and yet I was the one that requested his time on a whim as I watched Mark Byers shuffle painfully through the lobby of the Hotel Santa Barbara. The festival’s publicist caught him as he stepped onto State Street, and five minutes later we were together — and my video camera was pointed at him.

Mark Byers is fifty two,  and six foot five inches tall — he towered over me as we walked together into the hotel’s hospitality room, but he seemed somewhat frail. He has a nagging back injury, and looks perpetually tired. Mark Byers hasn’t lived an easy life; he has a string of past criminal charges ranging from theft, drug abuse, and threats of violence.

When Mark’s step-son Christopher was murdered on a summer evening in 1993 along with Stevie Branch and Michael Moore in West Memphis, Arkansas, it stood to reason that he was immediately looked upon as a suspect. Anyone familiar with the case of the West Memphis Three, and the subsequent Paradise Lost documentaries via HBO knows that Mark was somewhat theatrical. Many of his reactions and interviews were fodder for a hungry media that needed a character to follow, and even if unknowingly, Byers fed the press. Now, just like then — Mark Byers has maintained his innocence. He never pursued a lawyer’s defense, and remained an open book for any evidenciary pursuits in the state of Arkansas.

Mark Byers, for all of his criminal past and somewhat odd behavior, has been repeatedly vindicated. Additionally, he has been one of the strongest supporters of Damien Echols, Jason Baldwin, and Jessie Misskelley — the three men that spent eighteen years in prison for the murders of the three boys, and the focus of Peter Jackson and director Amy Berg’s documentary, West of Memphis. Much of his support is derived from the strong, exonerating DNA evidence that not only helped remove the West Memphis Three from the short list of suspects in the murder, but additionally scratched him from said list.

What the DNA and new physical evidence have suggested, is a rather damning connection to the murders of Christopher, Michael, and Stevie to the latter’s step-father, Terry Hobbs.

I’m a writer — while I like to follow logical conclusions with as much supporting evidence as I can in taking a position, I’m not going to pretend I know enough about the science behind the findings in this case to make definitive statements. If this were another story, I might even share what my personal leanings are in greater detail. This isn’t really an opinion piece, however — it’s a long, drawn out intro to a video interview that was difficult for me to participate in. I will say that I felt genuine pain in Mark Byers, and he had my sympathy. In the video I think it’s likely obvious that full impartiality wasn’t the place I was going — but to be fair, I had no idea where that was until I began speaking.

Below, Mark Byers talks to me about condemnation, forgiveness, pursuit of justice — and a very final, overwhelmingly cruel truth.

The promise of Iron Sky is a great and wondrous one. It’s Moon Nazis. Moon Nazis, people. Swirl it around in your mind for a moment. Those two words alone should put enough fuel in the car to get it to the theater, but with a concept like a Fourth Reich hiding on the dark side of the moon, the movie can only take one of two paths. Sadly, all too sadly, it takes a wrong turn and ends up riding the highway all the way into the city dump at the end of it. Stupid, cheap and aiming above its IQ, this movie is the bad kind of garbage.

It goes without saying that there’s a good kind. Some of the best spoof movies have fallen under that category. Like all tones, there are right and wrong ways to handle them, and although director Timo Vuorensola‘s long-awaited sci-fi explosion of bizarre alternate history starts off with decent overacting and wacky antics, it forgets its B-Movie roots halfway through. That’s its fatal mistake.

Not that it was headed for greatness early on, but it was at least headed for the kind of mild enjoyability that makes bad movies worth watching. Udo Kier is Kortzfleisch, the new dictator. Julia Dietze is the Earth Expert and schoolteacher, Renate Richter, who’s convinced that the Nazi way is the way of peace. Götz Otto is Klaus Adler, the next in line to rule with an impotent anger. Christopher Kirby is James Washington, the black astronaut who shocks the Moon Nazis and threatens to disrupt their invasion plans.

It sounds excellently ridiculous. Too bad it’s no good.

To its credit, the team behind it clearly knows the better movies that came before it. The Great Dictator is a plot point, and there’s a reference to the iconic alien hand syndrome of Dr. Strangelove. It’s a limp, poorly played reference, but it’s there. That’s something. Unfortunately, it’s not enough. While the absurdity is piled medium high, and a handful of the gags work beautifully, the movie gets so weighed down by a lost focus and its attempted poor man’s political theater that the jokes get fewer, farther between, and facile.

It should have been a huge tip off when the President of 2018 is a Sarah Palin mock-off (Stephanie Paul) that the movie’s “relevant” comedy would be too easy and too blunt. It’s so on the nose that they should have gotten a mortgage on the left nostril. When it’s Nazis on the Moon, the jokes come with a lightheartedness that mostly works. Kortzfleisch keeps eating candies, Richter is sucked out toward space solely to strip her down to her underwear, and something else probably happens that’s decently funny.

When it’s strident political commentary, the production comes off like a small child repeating a joke it heard on the nightly news. Plus, that small child just happens to have written the joke on a hammer and is swinging it repeatedly at your face.

Simply put, when it nods to Dr. Strangelove, things are at least okay. When it tries to be Dr. Strangelove, things go horribly, horribly, wrong.

Beyond getting stuck on a tired, one-note joke for its second half, the movie is plagued by being average. It never swings for the fences. Had it been offensively bad, it might still have been entertaining. As it stands, it’s so bland that shrugging seems like it would be giving it too much credit.

To be fair, it’s a few lightyears ahead of what the Asylum puts out, but it’s still far from enjoyable. Kirby is a generic hero who has no ups when he’s trying to go over the top. Dietze is stronger as the hot Nazi (a Hot-zi?) and the true lead of the film. Its successes are usually tied to her, and she’s funny even though she’s not given much to work with. However, it’s unsurprisingly Udo Kier who steals scenes like it was his job. Trivially, it’s awesome that he was both in Melancholia and this within the span of a year, but he is the only actor here who truly 1) gets how dumb all of this is and 2) plays along with a straight face.

Is it cheap? Sort of. The CGI is up-to-date, which gives it a visual boost, and there are plenty of large set pieces complete with explosions and people running in the streets. They probably pale in comparison to the difficulty of putting a black man in whiteface and a Nazi uniform and parading him on the daylight avenues of New York City, but they’re sufficient in giving the movie a strange air of credibility.

What’s cheap is the script.

Frankly, there aren’t enough jokes and there aren’t enough jokes that work. If there were a stronger plot, it could take some of the burden, but it doesn’t grow much beyond “There are Nazis on the moon, and they are going to attack.” At the same time, even with the high concept, the damned thing is overly complicated. It shifts from one group of characters to the next, trying hard to find which one is consistently funny, and no one is to be found. There are elements worth a giggle – Washington turning into an albino hobo warning people about the Moon Nazis attacking for example – but the overall result is incredibly, disappointingly flaccid.

What’s worse is the completely misguided swerve into intelligent humor. The script just isn’t smart enough for it, and cramming lame political snipes  into a movie that’s already established itself as throwaway zany fun with an army that goose steps in low gravity makes it even more obvious that the joke writers didn’t get their own punchlines. The clown shouldn’t try high satire, especially if the clown isn’t that funny to begin with.

It’s impossible not to have hopes dashed here. It’s a hell of a premise that was given a half-assed treatment, and that’s always uniquely tragic. At the end of the day, with an idea like Moon Nazis, everyone should be cheering for it to excel. Unfortunately, this is the movie equivalent of the baseball team that gets an ace pitcher only to lose all of its games. So much promise, so little delivery.

Unless of course that delivery is headed toward the town dump.

Complete Berlinale Coverage

Over the years — going on six as of next week, if you can believe that — Film School Rejects has attempted to provide many great services to our expansive international readership. We’ve brought you movie news, as many a movie blog does. We bring you some of the most comprehensive weekly review coverage around. We deliver film festival notes that rival much of what you’d see from any other independent outlet, assuming we actually make it to the festival. We’ve even handed out prizes, performed public service announcements and once or twice we’ve even handed out some FSR pins and t-shirts. We want you to be clothed, feel rewarded and be informed. Today we are taking it one step further… into your love life.

Fact: We can help you find a movie date. No, really.

We’re taking on a new quest — to get you all a date. Why? Because movie nerds need love, too. And because we’ve found a great partner in the folks over at HowAboutWe, a dating service that is the exact opposite of every other online dating service. It’s not lame. So in keeping with this month’s focus on love, and with Valentine’s Day right around the corner, we’ve launched FSR Dating, a site powered by HowAboutWe that will allow you to find a movie date. All you do is post an idea for a date and interested parties will click “I’m intrigued.” By focusing on the date rather than a bunch of silly personality questions, you can get past the back-and-forth of online dating and get to the part that matters: actually dating. Who knows, if we can get enough movie lovers to sign up, we may even someday have an FSR match that ends up getting married. All we ask is that you invite us. We’ll live-tweet it and promise to keep Robert Fure away from the spiked punch bowl (though we can’t promise that we won’t be the ones spiking the punch bowl — also, if you have a punch bowl at your wedding, you rule.)

Check out our FSR Dating site and find a movie date. We’re reasonably sure you’ll find it to be simple, sort of neat and perhaps even useful. Because if your ideal date is to go eat a 3lb hamburger while sitting through a Troma mini-marathon, don’t you deserve to find someone who wants to do that, too?

Fact: We are not kidding. This sounds silly, but it could work.

We can back up the previous fact with data collected by many intern hours logged testing out the HowAboutWe system. Only one of the interns went missing after scheduling a date, but we’re pretty sure they simply quit out of pure happiness with their match. Because when you find love, you don’t need a job. Right?

Seriously, it’s worth a shot. What have you got to lose?

On a hillside overlooking the beaches of Normandy, American soldiers surround a Korean and a Japanese man wearing Nazi uniforms. This is the second-most intriguing image of Mai-wei, the WWII epic from writer/director Je-gyu Kang. What’s even more fascinating is that the image is drawn directly from real life. How they got there (and into Hitler’s army no less) is a story told while trudging through the freezing mountains of Russia and the hot open plains of Korea.

It’s an enormous movie, told through a decade as two competitive marathon runners – Jun-shik Kim (Dong-gun Jang) and Tatsuo Hasegawa (Jo Odagiri) – begin as alienated enemies and become friends through the brittle evolution of battle.

Certainly its most striking achievements are the extended, highly-choreographed war scenes that steal the breath right out of your lungs. The visual style is an angrier version of Saving Private Ryan, but instead of beginning with Normandy, Mai-wei ends with it, and instead of having a few huge battles, Mai-wei has a solid half-dozen.

Make no mistake; it’s a movie that slams your head into the wall without giving you a helmet.

To the movie’s credit, everything is turned up to eleven. Its depiction of war is unrelenting and raw. At times, it can be overpowering with the camera equally interested in the landscape of explosions as it is the microscopic detail of dirt lifting off the ground and resettling after a man’s blood-drained face slams to the earth for the final time.

It’s violence made beautiful, but the visuals are robust purely because they hold steady as bullets rip through flesh or tanks roll too-slowly over legs and torsos.

All of it is packaged in the context of a war fought by slaves – a frustrating situation where each man loses his freedom and control of his own destiny. More than just citizens conscripted for service, Jun-shik Kim, as a Korean man living under Japanese rule, is forced alongside his friends to fight for a country he doesn’t even belong to. That group is an unsurprisingly ragtag group led by the heroic Kim and his congenial best friend Jong-Dae (In-Kwon Kim). Why is unsurprising? Because the other aspect of the movie’s tone is how broad and cliched it is. Je-gyu Kang does brilliantly when the war is raging, but he has no patience or economy to turn the volume down for everything else. Just as the violence is bombastic, each moment of triumph is met with a sweeping score and an over-the-top semi-slow-mo style just in case the audience couldn’t catch that it was an important scene. The problem? He makes every scene “important” which leaves no room for the calm reality of real life.

The worst offense comes when the soldiers play a too-smiling game of soccer on the Normandy beach after a hard day of setting up blockades and waiting to be shot in the head. It’s the Korean War Movie answer to Top Gun‘s volleyball scene.

Besides the massive dose of sugar this movie didn’t need, everything else is above and beyond excellent. The sports movie aspect, complete with its own cheese, is a fantastic element that puts the two leads on display as competitors who need each other to get better. Fortunately, the movie is also complex enough to realize both the frivolousness of grown men playing a game and the incredible necessity of engaging in something social and aggressive without people being killed. War makes their marathon aspirations both petty and vital. It’s enough to bring every small act into greater focus, and Je-gyu Kang and company never lose sight of that.

Dong-gun Jang and Jo Odagiri are both massive stars in the world of Asian cinema, and they are more than capable here, but the story is the real star. At its heart is the mystery of how two men from East Asia found their way far beyond the western front, and the lifeblood is the continual examination and re-examination of what war does to change good men. For some, it will erase their souls. For others it will fulfill a sense of duty. For most, it will wipe them off the face of the planet.

As hammy as some of its scenes are, Mai-wei is limber and nuanced when it comes to illustrating the break downs and epiphanies that occur when you’ve lost most of your men fighting off ten tanks only to see forty more crest the hill.

Thankfully, the sweetness and hand-holding is left out of the action. If war is hell, this movie is the ninth circle.

That’s important, because the cost of war is high and real, and the production here both understand and honor that. Unfortunately, the movie falls well short of being a masterpiece. With its too-obvious flashbacks to remind the audience of elements that echo each other, and a healthy slice of cheese added to certain segments, the enormity of the powerless (and perhaps pointless) situation that everyone finds themselves in is diminished to a size small enough to fit on the spoon we’re being fed with.

That’s a shame, but it’s still a damned fine movie that is, at times, physically affecting and philosophically challenging. Plus, even if that were stripped away, it’s a classic story about friendship, dedication and sacrifice that’s told on a gorgeous grand scale.

What is Movie News After Dark? Tonight it’s the column I’m filling in on as Neil Miller journeys to the mystical, frozen land of Chicago. It’s also a list of links to movie or entertainment related things that I either found interesting, noteworthy, or that involved super famous young girls from the Disney channel.

Tonight we begin by getting a glimpse at the second season of HBO’s Game of Thrones. WinterisComing.net has a whole host of pictures from the second season that have reminded me of how much I like the show and reinforced the three reasons why I’m looking forward to new episodes so much: boobs, blood, and Brienne. Hopefully we’ll be getting a lot of each.

Mike Ryan over at Moviefone has written a running diary of what it was like seeing The Phantom Menace 3D at midnight last night. This is a useful service because who in their right mind would ever be willing to go see The Phantom Menace at midnight? I mean, in 2012. Now we can all stop wondering if it was worth the effort. It wasn’t

io9 is usually a good source for fun lists, and today was no exception. Behold, their list of the ten science fiction bars that they would most like to visit. I could definitely see myself getting loaded on whiskey and annoying the patrons in each of these bars by filling the juke box up with Tom Waits. That’s how I roll.

Good news, people who like to be tortured by inane nonsense! The guy in charge of Lionsgate, the company that now owns the rights to the Twilight franchise, has told the L.A. Times that he’s rrrreally hoping that they can make more Twilight stuff; even if it means making a TV show or begging Stephenie Meyer to write another book. Get ready for a few more years of teenage girls telling the rest of the Internet that they just don’t “get it.”

Neil usually likes to break up the middle of this column with some images, so I did some poking around and stumbled across these fan made concept images for an imaginary sequel to The Incredibles that Movies.com posted. They’re fun, but the fact that I had to write the word “imaginary” before sequel kind of bums me out.

The AV Club staff have revealed which fictional characters they have dirty, shameful crushes on. I have to say, they did a great job of coming up with fake people who I would totally boink. I was a little disappointed that nobody mentioned my number one pick, the Chicken Lady from The Kids in the Hall, though.

What? I like sluts.

E! Online has a pretty big scoop about Adam Sandler’s upcoming movie monster cartoon Hotel Transylvania. It turns out Miley Cyrus is out as the voice of Dracula’s daughter and fellow Disney Channel alum Selena Gomez is in. I don’t know how you feel, but my years of watching Disney shows for creepy, inappropriate reasons leads me to believe that this is a serious upgrade.

Lists, they’re the bread and butter of the Internet, and /Film has posted one of the better ones I’ve seen in a while. This time they’re looking at the Best WWII movies that you’ve never seen.  If they’re half as good at predicting what I’ll like as they are at predicting what I haven’t seen, then I’m super excited to check some of these out. My queues have been updated.

Variety says that Disney’s upcoming entry into the Snow White War, The Order of the Seven, has cast its lead. But the more I hear about this movie the less it seems like it has anything to do with Snow White and the more it just sounds like it’s just about a girl teaming up with seven warriors. I gotta say, I’m okay with that. And I’m super-okay with the fact that this movie now stars Saoirse Ronan.

An essay on Movies.com asks the question of whether or not this will be the last good year for comic book movies, and if after this we will experience the downfall. I’m not so sure myself, but I could definitely stand to take a break from spandex and origin stories. Me and Superman are totally dunzo.

Finally, as per tradition, we end the column with a video. This one is really good because it involves butts, and butts are funny. Check out Tom Hardy and McG dropping trou and getting shot in their asses with close range paintball fire. It’s funny because they’re famous.

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr dresses up in his Jedi robes and grabs his lightsaber, heading to the theater to see the 3D re-release of Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace. While there, he faces a sea of estrogen as ladies of all type swarm into the multiplex to see Channing Tatum’s abs multiflex. After using his lightsaber to break through the wall of pre-Valentine’s Day ladies, he faces more obstacles with twentysomething dudes heading out to see Safe House and obnoxious families to see Journey 2: The Mysterious Island. Fortunately for Kevin, he is able to dispatch everyone with his Rock-inspired “pec pop of love.” It was an early Valentine’s Day massacre.

Want to hear what Kevin has to say on the Fat Guys at the Movies podcast? Click here to listen as Kevin is joined by Drive-In Horrorshowdirector Michael Neel to chat about this week’s big releases.

STAR WARS: EPISODE I – THE PHANTOM MENACE 3D
Studio: 20th Century Fox

Rated: PG for sci-fi action/violence

Starring: Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Jake Lloyd and Ian McDiarmid

Directed by: George Lucas

What it’s about: Whether you consider him “man” or “devil” (to paraphrase Edgar Allan Poe), George Lucas retrofits his first Star Wars prequel with a 3D treatment. Jedi Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi are dispatched to settle a trade dispute and end up rescuing the Queen of Naboo and picking up the Force prodigy Anakin Skywalker along the way.

What makes the grade: Let me preface this by confessing that I am an unabashed Star Wars fan, to the point that I even like all three sequels. I know there’s tons of foibles in this movie in particular, but for someone who grew up with the movies and appreciated as both a child and adult, I am quite forgiving.

Still, looking past its flaws, there are some awesome moments in The Phantom Menace, particularly the action sequences, including the dive through Naboo’s core, the pod race and the final climactic battle sequence that remains one of the greatest three-ways ever committed to film or video.

The 3D conversion looks great here, pulling depth out of even relatively flat shots. Considering Lucas couldn’t go back and shoot the movie in 3D, this is one hell of a treatment, matching the expertise put into Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II. And damn, if that pod race doesn’t look even better in 3D.

What fails: Let’s face it, people. This is 99% the same movie that came out thirteen years ago. So aside from replacing the weird-looking 1999 Yoda puppet, everything else is there, for better or for worse. Jar Jar Binks is still annoying (though my kids loved him), Jake Lloyd still can’t act in three dimensions, the dialogue is cringe-worthy and the plot never quite finds a good momentum. But that didn’t stop me from enjoying the hell out of the film again.

Who is gonna like this movie: Anyone who wants to see The Phantom Menace again, which contrary to what you might believe from the rants on the blogosphere, is quite a few people.

THE VOW
Studio: Screen Gems

Rated: PG-13 for an accident scene, sexual content, partial nudity and some language

Starring: Rachel McAdams, Channing Tatum, Sam Neill, Scott Speedman and Jessica Lange

Directed by: Michael Sucsy

What it’s about: Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum play a Paige and Leo, a young, married couple who are in a terrible car crash. Paige suffers brain damage, and when she wakes up, she cannot remember her husband at all. He spends the next months helping her fall back in love with him and to remember why she made significant changes in her life before.

What makes the grade: Rachel McAdams is about the only decent thing in this movie. She’s beautiful and charismatic. Her charm helps guys like me stomach movies like The Notebook. Too bad she’s paired up with Channing Tatum in this film.

On a side note, the film’s background is quite interesting as it is inspired by a true story. All the dramatic nonsense we see isn’t part of the inspiration, but there was indeed a couple who suffered a similar injury with similar amnesia issues. Look up the story, which is more inspirational than this film even attempts to be.

What fails: The Vow demonstrates how vain Hollywood is, in the sense that it presents an inspiring story but has to slather on cliches because the industry thinks that will make it better. Here, it just gets in the way.

As if not remembering your husband isn’t enough, The Vow shoe-horns in the fact that Paige had a falling out with her family, was basically a different person (a more shallow and dreadful person, I might add) and still was carrying a torch for her asshole boyfriend. This all-too-convenient storyline is nearly impossible to swallow.

Add to this the fact that Channing Tatum may be a good-looking man, but he’s a blithering idiot of an actor on-screen. Anything meatier than G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra leaves him with this embarrassing deer-in-the-headlights look. Even with a script, he’s unable to articulate himself and remind his co-star’s character that she changed for a reason. I really couldn’t care less whether this couple got back together or not.

Who is gonna like this movie: Ladies, and guys who are dragged to the movie (who will probably hate it but lie about it just to get laid).

SAFE HOUSE
Studio: Universal

Rated: R for strong violence throughout and some language

Starring: Denzel Washington, Ryan Reynolds, Vera Farmiga, Brendan Gleeson and Sam Shephard

Directed by: Daniel Espinosa

What it’s about: Denzel Washington plays Tobin Frost, an ex-CIA agent who is an expert at psychological manipulation. Since leaving the CIA, he’s gone rogue and sold many American secrets. After a botched job in South Africa, he lands in a CIA safe house where Ryan Reynold’s character must try to keep him under control and bring him in for questioning.

What makes the grade: Yeah, Denzel Washington is a badass even at his age. He plays the stoic gray character well, and he manages his own in the action sequences. Even Ryan Reynolds is able to look competent as a CIA agent. If you’re a fan of one or both of these guys and don’t mind the many problems with the film (see below), you can enjoy yourself with a Saturday viewing.

What fails: The most noticeable problem with this film is the overdone, grainy and palsied camerawork, even during otherwise steady scenes. This makes the movie a nauseating view on the big screen, but probably preserving its longevity on cable and home video.

But in the end, the plot is convoluted yet entirely predictable. With the action impossible to focus on, that leaves us with the characters. Unfortunately, there’s no real depth to them, and when we finally break through the hard-ass exterior of each, the revelations we get are confusing and boring. It’s a film of all flash and no substance.

Who is gonna like this movie: Fans of Denzel and people who want to see a flashy, gritty action movie that is on the par with last month’s Contraband.

JOURNEY 2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND
Studio: New Line Cinema

Rated: PG for some mild adventure action, and brief mild language

Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Michael Caine, Josh Hutcherson, Vanessa Hudgens and Kristin Davis

Directed by: Brad Peyton

What it’s about: Josh Hutcherson returns as Sean, a “Vernian,” which is someone who believes that the subjects of Jules Verne’s books were real places. Along with his step-father (Dwayne Johnson), he embarks on a journey to find the Mysterious Island where his grandfather has been living.

What makes the grade: I’ll be honest with you… this movie is dumb, stupid and ridiculous. The characters are barely two-dimensional, the dialogue is worse than what we have in The Phantom Menace and the story makes very little sense. However, the film moves fast enough through the set-up that we get to the island before you really have a chance to question all this.

When we finally get to the island, this becomes a wacky family adventure with wild, oversized animals and references to fun elements like an erupting volcano of gold and a search for Captain Nemo’s submarine. There’s not a shred of science in this movie, but the film doesn’t make the pretense that it’s trying to do that.

Instead, this movie brought back feelings of what it was like to watch old Saturday morning shows like The Land of the Lost and Danger Island, only with much better special effects. Once I got to that place, mentally and emotionally, I enjoyed the hell out of this movie. And it helped that I brought my kids with me to enjoy it.

What fails: While for the most part the visual effects work, there’s still a few moments that rip off other movies (including several Avatar-esque moments and even a line stolen from High School Musical that is dropped by none other than Vanessa Hudgens). It’s full of plot and character holes, often making giant leaps of logic and continuity.

Still, I enjoyed the Saturday morning adventure feel of it.

Who is gonna like this movie: Kids – particularly boys – and their families.

Alex Proyas might want to look into getting some budgeting software or something, because this “over budget” thing is becoming bizarrely familiar. Let’s rehash! Just this week, Proyas’ Paradise Lost adaptation was shut down by Legendary due to a wicked combo of too much funds and too little technology, and now another project that Proyas lost out on because of a bloated budget is back in the news – but for a very different reason. Universal Pictures is apparently bringing Dracula: Year Zero back from the dead, complete with a new director and likely a new cast.

Don’t remember this one? Neither did I, so let’s dig back into the FSR Crypt! Back in 2008, Proyas was set to direct the flick, a supposed “medieval epic” that would serve as origin story for the toothy one. The project languished until 2010, when Sam Worthington of all people was set to star as Dracula himself (Vlad the Impaler, should we be sticking to history). And then the blood ran dry and the budget was too high, and as Deadline Kendal so amusingly puts it, Universal “close[d] the coffin.” But that coffin is now open again, and in a big (wide?) way.

Universal is reportedly negotiating with Gary Shore to direct the film, complete with a new draft of the screenplay from its originators, screenwriters Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless. The film would mark Shore’s feature debut, as his resume currently only includes one short (The Draft) and a mess of commercial direction. However, Shore is a notorious go-getter who was on the shortlist to direct The Wolverine (thanks to a spec trailer he crafted for the character) and who nabbed a deal with Universal and Working Title Pictures for his still-unmade feature The Cup of Tears after he made a similar spec trailer for that film. What I’m saying is, the guy is due.

Sazama and Sharpless have a similar resume – no features yet, but lots of hustle. The pair have been tapped to pen both a new Flash Gordon and the new Clue, and they sold a “futuristic pitch” to Chernin Entertainment back in September. They first sold their Dracula script to Universal back in 2006. Again, these dudes are due.

Yet, with all that new blood coming in, it looks like Worthington won’t be coming back, as “studio sources” report that he’s no longer involved.

Looks like we’re going to have to adjust our list of The 52 Most Anticipated Movies of 2012, knocking the number down to a significantly less exciting 51. Summit Entertainment has just announced that they are pushing the release of Warm Bodies from August 10 of this year allllllll the way to February 1 of next year. When I touted the film as part of our most anticipated list of plenty, I explained it as such:

Jonathan Levine follows up his critical cancer comedy hit, 50/50, with an en vogue type of affair – a zombie love story based on a YA novel. But Isaac Marion’s source material shares considerably more with Romeo and Juliet than it does with The Walking Dead and that, along with its up-and-coming cast (Nicholas Hoult, Teresa Palmer, Analeigh Tipton, Dave Franco, Rob Corddry, and no less than John Malkovich) recommend this original look at love at the end of the world.

And that’s all still true, but now we have to wait six more months to catch it. I feel like a zombie just took a bite out of my heart. While I’m not the biggest fan of Marion’s novel, I think it’s a fun basis for a film, and I believe in both Levine and the solid cast he’s assembled for this outing.

So why the move? Deadline Arlington believes it’s to get “it out of the way of tentpoles The Bourne Legacy and Total Recall,” both of which are releasing the week before the film’s original release date, which seems like a fair assumption. The film’s new release date does give it a bit more wiggle room – January has a few releases already on the docket, including Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Broken City, The Last Stand, the 3D re-release of Monsters, Inc., Summit’s own Now You See Me, and Planet B-Boy (in 3D!), none of which seem poised to impact a monster-y YA love story like Warm Bodies, and yet… While not much else looks like the film in February, there is Lionsgate’s own I, Frankenstein, which reads a bit like a more grown-up take on the film. Hey, double feature!

Perfect Sense is a bad, misleading, and laughable title. With the premise and that eye-rolling title, you’d expect it to be a shoddy romantic comedy, one about people coming to love each other when all else goes to hell. “When everyone’s losing their senses, we’re doing something that makes…Perfect Sense! Get it?” Yes, all around cringe-worthy, but, thankfully, the actual film is not.

Set in the magical and wet land of Glasgow, director David Mackenzie‘s chronicles both the multiple destructions and reconstructions of the world and a relationship. Michael (Ewan McGregor) is a charming and scruffy cook who’s lucky enough to have someone who looks like Susan, played by Eva Green, live right next door to his workplace. Both being the two good-looking people that they are, the obvious consequences come about: they fall in love, just as an epidemic begins to eat away at the world.

It’s no real shock in saying the epidemic is a subtext for the transitions that Michael and Susan go through. A relationship involves adaptation, as would an epidemic which diminishes our five sense: smell, taste, touch, sound, and sight. Mackenzie conveys the grand-scale world effects and the love and turmoil between Michael and Susan with a fair amount of subtlety.

Michael and Susan are self-proclaimed and proud assholes, meaning there’s not a large deal of difficult-to-bare bogus sentimentality. Even after the first time the couple sleep together, one of them is kicking the other out of bed, and not because they did anything wrong. They’re relatable cold individuals, not naive romantics.

By the end, they do grow to become romantics, and it’s earned. Green and McGregor are both lovable and seriously flawed as Michael and Susan. When their relationship is going smoothly, it’s impossible not to crack a smile. For the lesser joyous moments between the two, it’s uncomfortable and slightly heart-wrenching.

Mackenzie handles all the emotions with intimacy. As for the grand scale epidemic, it’s shown with a similar amount of realism. How would the world respond to losing their senses? Not as if they’re in a Roland Emmerich movie, but in the way you’d expect them to: by adapting. Despite the absurd premise, Perfect Sense is surprisingly grounded and, at times, poignant.

The Upside: Ewan McGregor and Eva Green are excellent; is effectively sweet and tragic; approaches human’s ability to adapt in both broad and small ways; features a suitably bittersweet ending.

The Downside: There’s a narration crosses the point of grating at times, despite its attempt to show there’s plenty of other beautiful and sad stories going on elsewhere in the world making for an admirable storytelling choice; one loss of sense scene is more comical than horrifying, but maybe that’s the point.

On The Side: Thank God there’s no major “We gotta find a cure!” subplot.

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, so you might have expected something here dedicated to the merchandise of romantic films. But until you can get an official When Harry Met Sally orgasm sandwich, there’s very little overlap in terms of those films and the collectible world. Unless we’re talking Twilight. And I can assure you right now, we bloody well aren’t talking Twilight.

So instead, this week’s column is once again dedicated to the finest things in collecting life, including a further addition to the Mr. Potato Head film co-licensed products. You can’t see it, but I can assure you that the excitement radiating from my every orifice is tangible.

There’s also even more Lego – almost a weekly addition to this column you’ll note, but a wholly justified one in this case - and a book that would make Crime & Punishment blush for being so rubbish. It might also be the most expensive book I have ever recommended people buy, but who cares really – the only way out of recession is through frivolous, short-sighted spending. Probably.

1. The Dark Knight Spud

It was inevitable, given Hasbro’s existing co-licensed Mr. Potato Head lines, that someone would get the idea to release a Batman tie-in, and now PPW, who also have previous with the world’s favorite potato (but not with the same quality as Hasbro it has to be said) have done just that. The design is good, but as a dedicated follower of everything Potato Head related, I can’t help but wish it was Hasbro and not PPW who were in charge of this line.

My only other real issue is the name – I have every movie-themed Mr. Potato Head in my collection and there are a number with ingenious pun-heavy names like Tony Starch and  R2-Potatoo. Adding “Spud” to the end of the film seems slightly lazy in that respect. Why not Batato-Man?

Pre-order one now for $17.99, and you can expect to receive your spud in June.

2. The Lord of the Rings Lego

Okay, so I’m addicted to Lego. But who can blame me? As toys go, it’s about the manliest endeavor one can turn ones hand to combining actual fun with real construction world concerns like surveying, material inventory and meticulous planning. I like to go really balls deep, and have had several stern letters back from the government in response to my planning applications, but you can’t just approach these things frivolously.

Anyway, the latest addition to Lego’s link-up with the world of film is their forthcoming Lord of the Rings series, which once again is likely to attract a hell of a lot of attention when they start to appear in June. The first series will feature the Fellowship of the ring, and the second collects some of the film series’ villains, including Gollum and a Ringwraith – all wonderfully, charmingly designed of course. The Hobbit will get its own Lego series around the film’s release in December.

Bookmark this page for your Lego needs.

3. Star Wars: The Blueprints

Arguably the greatest book I’ve ever clapped eyes on (alongside the Art of Pixar, which is far cheaper and just as wonderful incidentally), and a genuine collectible thanks to the limited print run and the sheer quality of the content. $500 is a lot of money for a book, especially in a world that will soon all be governed by apps and mobile technology, but The Blueprints is a tangible piece of cinema history, brilliantly animated and wonderfully comprehensive. And in the future when electricity is rationed by our alien overlords, you can laugh at those trying to read their e-books with no battery power as you flick through your copy, which will probably be the most valuable thing left in the post-apocalyptic world.

Buy one here.

T-Shirt of the Week

The Pythons are back. Sort of, even if they’re obstinate about calling their upcoming project a Monty Python film. I say we all gleefully ignore that and then criticize the film for being nothing like Life of Brian. That’s how I approach all films these days anyway. Buy it here.

Hide your pocketbook before you enter the Merch Hunter archives.

Everybody knows that the world is going to be ending sooner rather than later. Heck, the end of days is getting so close that we’ve been counting down our must-see apocalypse films. But until I watched the trailer for the upcoming comedy Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, it didn’t occur to me how much fun those last few days we all spend on Earth are going to be. I mean, other than when faced with impending asteroid-related doom, when else is a guy like Steve Carell going to get a chance at a girl like Keira Knightley?

Stress-induced romantic hook-ups aren’t the only perks of the world ending, either. There’s slacking off at work, taking part in some cathartic looting, and who knows how many other base pleasures to partake in. Heck, this movie sees Patton Oswalt turning into some sort of hedonistic little Satyr, Gillian Jacobs kissing everyone on the mouth, and Connie Britton hosting dinner parties for her single friends. Not only are these all great ideas for how to spend your last days, they’re also glimpses at a movie that seems to have a stellar supporting cast. Check out how the end times might look with the first trailer for Seeking a Friend for the End of the World after the break.

The thing that I think has me most intrigued to give this film a longer look is how much dark humor they’re able to pack into one little trailer. I mean, this thing’s look at what the end of the world is going to be like is pitch black satire. That line at the beginning about “all your classic rock favorites” killed me. I’m not too familiar with the work of write and first-time director Lorene Scafaria yet, but this trailer has convinced me that I need to be.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World opens on June 22nd. [Yahoo! Movies]

Christophe Gans, who first turned heads in the U.S. by making Brotherhood of the Wolf and last gave us Silent Hill back in 2006, finally has another project on the horizon – and it’s a doozy. The French director, perhaps best known for his moody yet kinetic visual style, will be taking a crack at playing around with the classic Beauty and the Beast story, starting this October. Gans told THR, “Although I will keep to a form of storytelling of this timeless fairy tale that is in keeping with the same pace and characters as the original, I will surprise the audience by creating a completely new visual universe never experienced before and produce images of an unparalleled quality,” then added, “Every single one of my movies has presented me with a challenge but this one is, by far, the most exciting and rewarding.”

Though I’ve yet to be rewarded by Gans’ new endeavor, I’m certainly already excited about it. But, honestly, it’s not necessarily because of Gans’ involvement, and it’s not even for any particular love of the Beauty and the Beast story. No, the reason my blood is pumping is the quality of the cast that is being assembled.

First off, Gans has cast one of the true heavyweights of the acting world, Vincent Cassel, in the role of the beast. From his work in Gaspar Noé’s films, to his starring role in the Mesrine movies, to his role as the ballet instructor in Black Swan, Cassel has proven to be one of those powerful actors who just commands your attention and manipulates your reactions every second that he’s on screen, and I always love to see him pop up in things. A big, meaty, starring role where he gets to really work out some issues surrounding anger and disfigurement sounds great to me.

Cassel isn’t the only name already attached to this one, though. We’ve got a beast, so there also needs to be a beauty. To that end Gans has procured the services of Léa Seydoux. She’s an actor I’m less familiar with than I am Cassel, but I have to say she’s really impressed me in the last year. She went from playing the sweet, pretty shop girl that Owen Wilson has a flirtation with in Midnight in Paris to playing the dangerous, sexy assassin that Paula Patton has a problem with in Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol, losing herself so well in two completely different roles that I didn’t even realize she was the same actress at first. Needless to say, I’ve got a big crush on her now and will be watching everything she does in the future.

So heck, I’m sold. You can tell me that Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman did the definitive version of these characters all you want (please don’t), I say bring on more Beauty and the Beast.

Sold. No, really. I’m sold on this project already. Deadline Tucson reports Ridley Scott is now officially signed on to direct The Counselor, from Cormac McCarthy‘s latest spec script (a probable move we reported on last week). But as if the prospect of Scott (who recently seems bent on getting back to his former glory) directing a fresh McCarthy script wasn’t enough to get you excited, word is now out that Scott is looking at his Prometheus star, Michael Fassbender, to lead the film. Again – sold.

The Counselor has been described, quite tantalizingly, as “No Country For Old Men on steroids.” The film is a modern tale that takes place in the American Southwest and will reportedly center on “a respected lawyer who thinks he can dip a toe in to the drug business without getting sucked down. It is a bad decision and he tries his best to survive it and get out of a desperate situation.” Hmm, dangerous business, bad choices that consume characters, seedy lifestyles? Sound a bit like Shame, meaning it’s something that Fassbender can do, and handily.

Producer Steve Schwartz’s quote on the project has been reported for a couple of weeks now, but it’s a fine one that gives some insight into what we can expect from The Counselor. He said, “since McCarthy himself wrote the script, we get his own muscular prose directly, with its sexual obsessions. It’s a masculine world into which, unusually, two women intrude to play leading roles. McCarthy’s wit and humor in the dialogue make the nightmare even scarier. This may be one of McCarthy’s most disturbing and powerful works.”

While McCarthy’s novel have spawned such films as No Country for Old Men, The Road, and All The Pretty Horses, this marks his first foray into straight screenwriting.

A long time ago in little place called Hollywood four films vied for the top honors, the #1 spot in the charts, the chance to say for one weekend they were biggest thing out there. One of these films is familiar to making that claim. This weekend sees the return of Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace to movie theaters, and it’s bringing its good friend 3D along for the adventure. Other combatants going up against the George Lucas cash cow feature Denzel Washington playing training day with Ryan Reynolds, the Rock flexing his chest muscles, and Rachel McAdams forgetting who Channing Tatum is. Can you blame her?

There’s plenty in the way of counter-programming out there, so you might be inclined to say it’s anyone’s prize to win. Our good friend Jar Jar might have something to say to yousa.

BIG HITTERS

It’s a little movie called Star Wars. You might have heard of it. You might have also heard these 3D re-releases are all the rage these days. The Phantom Menace pulled in $431m domestic during its initial release in 1999, $924.3m worldwide, but that doesn’t seem to be enough for George Lucas. Despite the rage people have for Lucas and what he’s done with his films in recent years, this 3D re-release of The Phantom Menace will be pulling in its own chunk of change. Even some of those who are irate with the man will gladly lay down $10-15 to see a Star Wars movie, any Star Wars movie, on the big screen again, added 3D bonus or not. The re-releases of the original trilogy in 1997 proved diminishing returns with each release, A New Hope opening to $46.4m in January that year, The Empire Strikes Back with $27m in February, and Return of the Jedi with $19.9m in March. Nonetheless, the 12-year gap since Phantom Menace‘s original release and the 3D ticket prices will be enough to get it somewhere past $30m this weekend. Who knows? Lucas might even feel so good about it that he re-releases the original trilogy just how they were before his edits. Don’t hold your breath, though.

It’s the Yoda dance. It’s dub step. Don’t question it. Just enjoy it:

Denzel Washington can’t seem to do any wrong with these R-rated actioners. Nearly every one of them has opened to a $20+m weekend. Safe House looks to be no different. Its advertisements make it seem like yet another pairing of Washington and director Tony Scott, but that’s just what they want you to think. Safe House was directed by Daniel Espinosa, and he chose a nice, financial combination for his first American feature film. Washington and Ryan Reynolds in a movie where lots of bullets fly and lots of cars blow up? We’re looking at a $20m weekend for sure, and it could be closer to $25m. Expect somewhere in that range to keep the Washington streak alive.

Did you know Denzel didn’t know he was running a daycare center? Well, now you do. Here’s a little impression of what you might expect from Safe House. Hahaha, alright:

Channing Tatum is back, and this time he’s bringing his Kleenex with him. You can’t blame the guy for wanting to throw in a movie like The Vow every now and then between The Eagles and GI Joes of his career. Dear John pulled in $30.4m in its opening weekend back in 2010. That film came out the weekend before Valentine’s Day, too. Still, with Rachel McAdams as the co-star, an actress who isn’t exactly box office gold, and with another romance movie hitting next week in This Means War, the date nights might be skipping The Vow for something more entertaining and less heartbreaking. Who really wants to see a movie that puts them in a somber mood, especially when you’re out with your significant other. Look for The Vow to drop in somewhere around the $15-16m range. Expect GI Joe: Retaliation to do much better.

Speaking of GI Joe, another star from Retaliation has a movie hitting this weekend. You know Dwayne Johnson loves these kids movies like Journey 2: The Mysterious Island, a title that sounds like something Prince came up with. If he isn’t blowing stuff up or punching Vin Diesel in his big head, Johnson’s films tend to come in a little quieter at the box office, as well. Gridiron Gang opened to $14.4m in 2006 while Tooth Fairy pulled $14m even in its opening weekend in 2010. Journey 2 could fend slightly better than that with 3-D ticket prices involved, but don’t expect too much better. Mid $15m range is the best estimate for this sequel, which may have actually benefited from bringing back Brendan Fraser. I almost got through that without cracking myself up.

LITTLE OPENERS

Opening in limited release are Chico & Rita opening in select cities, Death of the Virgin opening in select cities, Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu opening in select cities, In Darkness opening in New York and L.A., Kung Fu Joe opening in select cities, the Oscar Nominated Short Films both live action and animated playing this weekend in select cities, Rampart opening in New York and L.A., and The Turin Horse opening in New York City.

Here’s how the weekend is shaping up:

1. Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace in 3D – $31.2m NEW
2. Safe House – $23.5m NEW
3. The Vow -$16.4m NEW
4. Journey 2: The Mysterious Island – $15.5m NEW
5. Chronicle -$12.8m (-41.8%)
6. The Woman in Black – $11.9m (-44.5%)
7. The Grey – $4.5m (-50.6%)
8. Big Miracle – $4.3m (-43%)
9. One For the Money – $2.6m (-49.8%)
10. Underworld Awakening – $2.4m (-55.2%)

You heard me – I’m dumping practically everything I can think of at you, and no doubt I’ll still miss a few. In fact, there’s one I am intentionally leaving out just so I can watch the angry comments and laugh like a Disney villain. Honestly, though – after having my memory jarred by all the comments on my first installment of 14 of the Most Impressive Monologues in Movie History, I couldn’t not make another one of these. So here are, once more, some movie monologues out there that really stick out from the rest.

22. James Downey just heard the dumbest answer ever in Billy Madison

I really need to get around to memorizing this speech for future arguments. As far as monologues go it’s pretty short, but James Downey really sells it with his deadpan and awe-struck performance. It’s this great moment of a character being too mystified by someone’s stupidity to be offended by it in any way.

21. Brad Pitt wants his scalps in Inglorious Basterds

I remember my excitement when I heard that Brad Pitt was going to be in a Quentin Tarantino-directed film about fighting Nazis – but honestly I was hoping he’d play a more complex character when it came to dialogue…I was really hoping to hear Brad Pitt ramble off the fast and unnatural dialogue one comes to expect from this director, but instead we got something arguably better. Brad Pitt as a simple and hardened killing machine. His signature speech from the film chugs along at a moderate pace as he pretty much spells exactly what the audience can expect to see for the rest of the film. It’s a much better use of Brad Pitt and Tarantino writing then the couch-infesting stoner he played in True Romance – although that was also awesome.

20. Marisa Tomei makes you imagine you’re a deer in My Cousin Vinny

This is another short one – in fact I’m not even sure if you can count it as a monologue but I had to include it because of how wonderful the performance is. I know a lot of people were pissed that Tomei won Best Supporting Actress – and maybe it’s because I’m too lazy to educate myself on who else was nominated – but her role in this film did seem award winning to me. It’s a silly character, but she pulled it off flawlessly.

19. Rutget Hauer reflects on his memories in Blade Runner

It’s a very bizarre monologue, at least in the way that Hauer performs it. He’s spent the entire film trying to live, and then at this last moment when he can at least watch this puny human die he instead carries out a new, and much more effective plan. Even though he dies, he doesn’t lose and he knows it – which is what I love about that smirk. He’s saddened by his own mortality but his semblance of humanity is also vindicated by it – at least combined with his final and only act of heroics toward a non-replicant.

18. Warren Beatty talks obscenity in Bulworth

I would like to say that this is the best thing that Warren Beatty has ever done, but I’m not sure that’s exactly the case – it might just be my favorite thing he’s ever done. The film, which was also written and directed by the actor, seems like a combination of an aging man’s desire to get out some political frustrations and also get to hang out with young actresses – although considering his hot wife the latter may not be a huge priority. Anyway, I love this monologue because his core point that any verbal obscenity can’t compare to the type of shit that goes down in Washington can be shared by any American out there despite their political affiliation – it’s a message that is, unfortunately, timeless.

17. Jeff Cohen spills his guts in The Goonies

What’s not to love? Chunk’s confession has to be one of the most honest confessions in film history as he takes us step by step through his life’s sins. I love the cathartic shame that seems to come with each story – as if he felt bad about these deeds before he even did them. Then of course there is Robert Davi’s growing smile throughout, finally ending with “I’m beginning to like this kid!” Poor Chunk.

16. Al Pacino is a fan of man in The Devil’s Advocate

This is one of those performances that an actor like Al Pacino can never take back. If I ever met the actual Devil I would find him only as convincing as he is similar looking to Al Pacino, thanks to this role. It was only a matter of time for someone in Hollywood to have figured this one out, you know? And of course, his satanic presence in this film pretty much comes to its glorious peak at this demonic pro-mankind rant. And you know what? He kind of has a point. I can’t possibly deny that the 20th century was entirely Al Pacino’s.