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Last night, there were two news stories that broke rather late. But I would hardly call them news because pretty much everyone from Conan O’Brien to my family’s dog knew were true before they were ever reported:

Clay Aiken is gay, and Lindsay Lohan is bisexual.

What the faaaaabulous?

This is news? Is it any surprise that party girl LiLo is giving a go at hitting for the other team? Let me tell you something, honey… just because Megan Fox sent our hearts aflutter last week with the admission of a lesbian affair with a Russian stripper doesn’t mean that anyone is going to care about your little fling. We still aren’t going to see your movies.

And Clay Aiken??? Freakin’ Clay Aiken??? The only people who refused to believe that he is gay have been his hardcore conservative Christian fan base. You mean all those Barry Manilow comparisons and leaked instant message photos weren’t a dead giveaway?

I know that California has given the go-ahead for gay marriage, which has sent same-sex couples stampeding to the courthouse. But seriously, does Clay Aiken coming out of the closet really warrant a front cover of People Magazine?

If this is considered news, then we should keep our eyes open for other stories that we already know are true. So before the national news media can jump on more painfully obvious news stories, here are some suggested headlines that we need to look for in the future:

America likes superhero movies
Martin Scorsese planning new gangster film
Gas prices expected to increase
Kevin Smith tells dick jokes in his new film
Spike Lee wants more focus on African American history
Joan Rivers has had too much plastic surgery
Michael Jackson is a pervert
Rosie O’Donnell is fat
Gary Busey has big teeth
Heath Ledger is still dead

PS… For those of you getting ready to flame me for delving into celebrity gossip and not sticking to movie-related topics, you must remember Clay Aiken’s soundtrack contributions to the blockbusters Without a Paddle and Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. And as for Lindsay Lohan… she was a movie star once, many years ago.