WTF: Show Me the Mammaries!

Posted by Kevin Carr (kevin@filmschoolrejects.com) on February 12, 2009 Share

So there I was, watching Isla Fisher’s new film Confessions of a Shopaholic and being a little surprised as how likable she is on screen in a leading role when it occurred to me…

I’m probably never going to see her boobs again… at least until she turns 40 and is angling for an award of some sort, a la Marisa Tomei.

This led me to think about a quote I had heard from John Moore on the Max Payne DVD commentary. He was talking about the first time that he met Ukrainian hottie Olga Kurylenko. Apparently, she had just learned that she landed the role of Camille in Quantum of Solace, so with a new-found level of credibility in Hollywood, the first thing Kurylenko said to Moore was, “No tits.”

What the fun bags?

Although Kurylenko is twice divorced, a former fashion model who did plenty of nude photography (Google her if you don’t believe me) and had done a spectacular nude scene in her American debut for the film Hitman, she now has a no nudity clause in her contract.

I suppose that’s what being a Bond girl is all about… not taking off your clothes, or at least not completely taking them off.

This all got me thinking about boobies, and it suddenly tabled my brilliant idea for a WTF article about how Pink Panther 2 wasn’t a huge bomb (at least not like New In Town, Inkheart or The Spirit) and how Jennifer Aniston is not really a box office draw (since all of her movies had another star as the draw, like Bruce Almighty with Jim Carrey, Marley & Me with a dog, The Break Up which fed off her real-life romance with Vince Vaughn and Office Space which got green lit for her but for which no one remembers her character).

You see, boobies will do that to me. They will distract me from everything else and lead to a fleshy obsession.

I kept thinking of Olga Kurylenko’s beautiful b-cups in Hitman, and now with her “no tits” rule, I’m saddened to think I’ll never see them again.

Along with Isla Fisher, who went topless in Wedding Crashers, and a cadre of other actresses that made an indelible impression on cinema with a fantastic nude scene only to swear off boobie shots once their careers took off.

Like… Julia Roberts (topless in Pretty Woman), Shannon Elizabeth (topless in American Pie), Salma Hayek (nude in Desperado) and even as far back as Alyssa Milano (topless in Embrace of the Vampire).

Sadly, these actresses don’t do any more nude scenes until their careers are so far in the toilet that it’s the only thing they can do to get some attention (like Milano’s nude corpse in last year’s Pathology) or they want to win an award (like Marisa Tomei in Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead and The Wrestler). Unfortunately, they end up a tad past their prime and aren’t quite as fetching as they once were.

I’m not asking everyone to be like Kate Winslet or Anne Heche who show their tits in everything from R-rated movies to cross-over commercials for The Backyardigans. But I would like to see a little skin before it starts sagging enough to warrant an Oscar nod.

Show me the mammaries, ladies. You know we’re gonna see them again, anyway.

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  • tylerdurden1681
    This is an interesting subject you have picked. I do wonder why some actresses choose to show some then not at all. You can't really play the "Won't be respected" card since Charliez Theron still wins Oscars while being nude.
    I think it all depends on the roles and how the nudity has context within the story. There is a big difference between Kate Winslet in Titanic and the who ever they were girls from American Pie 2.
    And unfortunately, there has been a rather big influx of male nudity in movies these days and they even sneak attack the viewers at times (I am looking at you "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"). It all comes down to female bodies are usually easier on the eyes then their male counterparts.
  • Diamante
    I though this article was ridiculous and chauvinist until I read this:

    "I’m not asking everyone to be like Kate Winslet or Anne Heche who show their tits in everything from R-rated movies to cross-over commercials for The Backyardigans."

    Well done.
  • Couldn't agree more with you. I remember more females in movies because of their boobs than their roles. Another example is Tara Reid. Her career is over and she's a mess. But Body Shots, will always be a classic in my mind because of what she brings and that is boobs.
  • As someone who marks "Lust" as a category in the Coroner's Report, you probably know how much I appreciate nudity and boobies. That said though, I do note when we dude nudity. Though I don't like it!

    I get what Carr is saying though. Don't think of it in terms of nudity. Think of it in terms of "This is what made them famous" and now they're too good for it. It'd be like if Jamie Lee Curtis had a clause in her contract that said "no screaming." Some of these girls can't act all that well and got most of their work by being beautiful. It's kind of rude to the fans to say "Well, you made me millions by liking to look at me, now keep giving me money while I don't give you what you want."

    I can see why some people would think that's sexist or derogatory, but there is a point here. Another example would be if someone from FSR ended up writing for like, The New Yorker and then refused to ever write an article for the web again that used the word fuck and boobies.
  • I hear you all... Isla used a body double.

    I think I died a bit inside.

    At least those pics of Olga helped me feel better.
  • Ryan
    Yeah Isla Fisher had a double in "Crashers". She confirms it here: http://movies.about.com/od/theweddingcrashers/a/w...

    I don't remember Julia Roberts being topless in "Pretty Woman" but maybe. IN the bathtub did a nipple pop out or something?

    I'm surprised about Olga because she went nude for Maxim Ukraine when Bond came out. Here's the gorgeous shots
    http://egotastic.com/entertainment/celebrities/ol...
  • Ummm, what scene is Isla Fisher topless in Wedding Crashers? That's a body double dude
  • Perhaps forever, until some boob comes along and ruins it.
  • Keep me abreast of any new and hilarious comments, please.
  • I'm trying to rack my brain. Hmm ... Okay, the streak continues.

    Was this meant to be humorous? And I am asking that in sincerity, not as some sarcastic remark. A bit of clarity on the article might offer insight into how I should read it.
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