WTF: Show Me the Mammaries!

Posted by Kevin Carr (kevin@filmschoolrejects.com) on February 12, 2009

So there I was, watching Isla Fisher’s new film Confessions of a Shopaholic and being a little surprised as how likable she is on screen in a leading role when it occurred to me…

I’m probably never going to see her boobs again… at least until she turns 40 and is angling for an award of some sort, a la Marisa Tomei.

This led me to think about a quote I had heard from John Moore on the Max Payne DVD commentary. He was talking about the first time that he met Ukrainian hottie Olga Kurylenko. Apparently, she had just learned that she landed the role of Camille in Quantum of Solace, so with a new-found level of credibility in Hollywood, the first thing Kurylenko said to Moore was, “No tits.”

What the fun bags?

Although Kurylenko is twice divorced, a former fashion model who did plenty of nude photography (Google her if you don’t believe me) and had done a spectacular nude scene in her American debut for the film Hitman, she now has a no nudity clause in her contract.

I suppose that’s what being a Bond girl is all about… not taking off your clothes, or at least not completely taking them off.

This all got me thinking about boobies, and it suddenly tabled my brilliant idea for a WTF article about how Pink Panther 2 wasn’t a huge bomb (at least not like New In Town, Inkheart or The Spirit) and how Jennifer Aniston is not really a box office draw (since all of her movies had another star as the draw, like Bruce Almighty with Jim Carrey, Marley & Me with a dog, The Break Up which fed off her real-life romance with Vince Vaughn and Office Space which got green lit for her but for which no one remembers her character).

You see, boobies will do that to me. They will distract me from everything else and lead to a fleshy obsession.

I kept thinking of Olga Kurylenko’s beautiful b-cups in Hitman, and now with her “no tits” rule, I’m saddened to think I’ll never see them again.

Along with Isla Fisher, who went topless in Wedding Crashers, and a cadre of other actresses that made an indelible impression on cinema with a fantastic nude scene only to swear off boobie shots once their careers took off.

Like… Julia Roberts (topless in Pretty Woman), Shannon Elizabeth (topless in American Pie), Salma Hayek (nude in Desperado) and even as far back as Alyssa Milano (topless in Embrace of the Vampire).

Sadly, these actresses don’t do any more nude scenes until their careers are so far in the toilet that it’s the only thing they can do to get some attention (like Milano’s nude corpse in last year’s Pathology) or they want to win an award (like Marisa Tomei in Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead and The Wrestler). Unfortunately, they end up a tad past their prime and aren’t quite as fetching as they once were.

I’m not asking everyone to be like Kate Winslet or Anne Heche who show their tits in everything from R-rated movies to cross-over commercials for The Backyardigans. But I would like to see a little skin before it starts sagging enough to warrant an Oscar nod.

Show me the mammaries, ladies. You know we’re gonna see them again, anyway.


Read more articles by Kevin Carr

« Previous Article | Next Article »

Related Topics:

Site Features, WTF, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Related Reading:

Your Ad Here

Comment Policy: No hate speech allowed. If you must argue, please debate intelligently. Comments containing selected keywords or outbound links will be put into moderation to help prevent spam. Film School Rejects reserves the right to delete comments and ban anyone who doesn't follow the rules. We also reserve the right to modify any curse words in your comments and make you look like an idiot. Thank You!

  • I hate to surely incite more rage but I am 90% sure that the extras on Wedding Crashers reveal that Isla had a stand in (hence no face AND boob). So not only will you not see them again, you never saw them at all lol
  • as a woman, I think it's truly pathetic that actresses are always being pressured to take off their clothes in films, while men get the free rein. Fucking disgusting.

    this article is probably supposed to be in good humor, but quite frankly, you're not funny. People like you are the reason that many people don't take actresses seriously, while male actors are well-respected and revered.

    Fuck off.
  • Nevernude
    oooo stinging remarks Miss AngryBroomStick. I don't think K. Carr or most other males are asking female actresses to disrobe willingnilly...there are gazillions of nude photos out there that we can go see if we so chose, however the point here is if an actress choses to start her career by taking her top off at every given opportunity, yet once they become famous, they decide no more nudity then thats a bit...meh....
    you either start off as a serious actress or at least, no nudity, and continue in that trend or you show some skin for as long as you can :p

    p.s. who says guys dont do nude? ever seen some judd apatow movies?
  • I do nude scenes in almost all of my movies.
  • Last year was a banner year for junk on the screen - Forgetting Sarah Marshall... Sex and the City... Blindness... and How to Lose Friends and Alienate People. And it's been done plenty in the past with Wild Things and many a butt shot.

    What's wrong with nudity when the part calls for it? Frankly, I think it's rediculous when an actress in a film just has mind-blowing sex with a guy but bundles up in the bed sheets (a la Vicky Cristina Barcelona) or has a scene where she literally flashes her breasts, but its awkwardly shot off screen (a la Bottle Shock).

    That, to me, is disgusting.
  • While at the same time when a guy does get his man bits out on screen (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Zach and Miri Make a Porno), it's for comedies sake and is neither titillating for man, or woman. There are only a few non-porn, dramatic films I've seen where you actually see a man's penis, so I guess that says something.

    But the fact of the matter is, tit's sell, dicks don't (Tom Cruise not-withstanding) if Hollywood was fair it wouldn't be the industry it is now.
  • Honestly, nudity of any kind in movies is not really not a big draw to me. Search boobs on the internet and bam, more nipples than you could ever want. What I'm trying to say is it doesn't really bother me if a movie star won't show her bust on screen again. Plus, depending who you watch the movie with, it can be kinda awkward.

    By the way, Marisa Tomei looked great in The Wrestler! I'd also say she did in Before The Devil Knows Your Dead, but that also forced us to see more of Phillip Seymour Hoffman than necessary.
  • If you just want to see boobs, you can find them... but if you want to see Scarlett Johannson's boobs... well, that's a different story.
  • Yeah, this article is kind of a bust.
  • Pun INTENDED! BAM! Well, tit for tat.
blog comments powered by Disqus