Turned On: The Star Wars Kama Sutra

Posted by Bethany Perryman (bethany@filmschoolrejects.com) on May 4, 2009

Editor’s Note: We here at FSR thought we should get a sex column, but it couldn’t just be any old, tired, worn-out, married for seventeen years and barely looking at each other while we brush our teeth and where did the love go sex column. It needed to be the best damned sex column on the face of the planet. And, of course, it had to involve film and television. Since no one that works (or contributes) to FSR has ever had sex, we had to turn to Bethany Perryman – a woman whose reputation and AdultFriendFinder profile precede her. Ladies and gentleman, every Monday, be prepared to fill or be filled.

Because it’s Star Wars day (as in, “May the 4^th be with you”), and because I had an eventful weekend, this week’s column takes a look at six progressively awesome renditions of my Star Wars Kama Sutra.

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

If you’re in a new relationship, or it’s late and she’s drunk, this might be the perfect time to introduce your love of Star Wars (and sex) to a special lady. Just because it says the word “phantom,” boys, don’t assume that you can get away with skimping on the foreplay. In fact, that’s what Episode I is really all about. To successfully execute “The Phantom Menace,” you’re going to want to reassure your partner that you can successfully negotiate a trade dispute. This essentially means a little give-and-take. Start off in a position that’s comfortable to her – try Raised Missionary. Just when she’s about to climax, show her that she needs to bring a little balance back to the Force. To do this, pick your own favorite position and go to Coruscant. Avoid making her call you Darth Maul, but do your best here to incorporate that awesome double light-saber. Once you’re finished, leave. And there you have it, The Phantom Menace.

Episode II: Attack of The Clones

So, you’ve made it to Date #2. Congratulations. “Attack of the Clones” works one of two ways: either she has a twin sister (you lucky Padawan, you), or do it in a room with strategically placed mirrors.

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Men, in this instance, I do not advocate a literal interpretation of the term Revenge. But it might just be time to get a little bit Dark Side. (Hey, be patient. Not that Dark Side. Yet.) Because this movie sees the advent of Darth Vader, you can get away this time with trying out all those bionic parts. The best position for this is The Plough (or, as I like to call it, Heels to Heaven), because she’ll have limited visibility and maximum pleasure, and no real idea whether there’s a Jedi Master or a mechanized arm at the helm. And don’t feel all threatened and screw it up for the next three episodes. Take a lesson from opening-scene Anakin, and just believe that “this is where the fun begins.”

Episode IV: A New Hope

I’ve got a great feeling about this. “A New Hope” brings exactly that – after Episode III, she’ll be begging for the original. Start with the tried and true Stand and Deliver, and you’ll be just the dude she’s looking for. After this, you’ve got two options: The Double Sunset or The Han Solo. If you want to make the suspense last, I’d try the former – you can Han Solo on your own time, buddy. This position requires you both seated, with her facing you and on top. If you get her to move slow enough, you’ll get a Double Sunset – several times. Bonus? Take a little more than 12 parsecs to make that Kessel run.

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Break out the ice, because this sex session starts with Hoth. Utilized correctly, this technique will have her wanting you on the star system of your choosing. This sex-pisode is geared specifically for those who still believe that “size matters not.” (Let me break it to you gently: it does. It totally does.) But if you’re more Yoda than Space Worm, there’s hope for you yet. Let your X-wing rise and do the Degobah Doggie Style. Regardless of whether you’re more light saber or light saber handle, this position is guaranteed to have her wanting more. Try not to lose a hand, guys, because you’ll need it for the big finale.

Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

So, you’re officially a full-fledged Jedi Knight, and, if you’ve followed my instructions, there’s no doubt that the Force is with you. You’ve easily gotten her down to that gold bikini, but how do you compete with a second Death Star? Easy. Make sure her defenses are down, and she’ll be receptive to your stimulation of her reactor. That’s right, rebels, if you want to cement this alliance, you’ve gotta do it. You may need to enlist some pre-attack mapping, but I have confidence that you’ll find what you need. Many Bothans died to bring you that information. After the fact, her empire of inhibitions will have toppled for good—and maybe, just maybe, you can together explore the Dark Side.

Need relationship advice? Too bad. Bethany is terrible at relationships. But if you need sex advice, feel free to send your questions to Bethany@filmschoolrejects.com. They might just embarrassingly be featured on the site!

Read more articles by Bethany Perryman