This Week’s Worst Movie Ever: Terror Toons

Posted by Robert Fure (robert@filmschoolrejects.com) on April 29, 2009

Every week, we find a new Worst Film Ever and deliver it to you as a public service. These films should be avoided at all costs, but if you absolutely have to see them, strap on your rosary beads and prepare to lose your faith in film! This week’s Worst Movie Ever is:

Terror Toons (2002)

Synopsis: Candy, a ridiculously well endowed teen (that means she has big boobs) receives a mysterious package in the mail from none other than the Devil, which she confuses with, I guess, her Netflix subscription. This buxom peroxide blonde pops in the DVD to watch the adventures of Dr. Carnage (a doctor) and Max Assassin (a gorilla). Soon, the toons escape their poorly drawn world and turn into gigantic men in poorly made suits who go about slaughtering all those in the house. Oh did I forgot to mention that Candy’s sister Cindy is hosting a lame-ass party? Because she is, but it’s lame-ass.

Directing at its worst!

Some movies in our “Worst Movie Ever Column” are here because they’re bland and unremarkable. Terror Toons is here because it is quite possibly the single worst movie ever made. This gigantic piece of shit had the remarkable honor or being, literally, the first movie that I ever paid to see (rented at Blockbuster) that I couldn’t sit through and watch. I subsequently tortured myself by watching it all to dump on it with a good conscience, but given the choice next time I’d rather by water boarded with hot cocoa.

Which aspect of “directing” should take the forefront in this critical assault? There isn’t a single redeemable shot in the entire filim. Even the ample busted Candy (Lizzy Borden, most recently seen in 2005’s Monster Asses, which is not a horror film) barely gives a damn nipple slip and she’s a freaking porn star. The camera work switches between awkward close up and boring, side by side static shots. Even the animated sequences lack any movement to them and feel as though they were created by me in Flash MX while drunk and watching Timecop in the background. I don’t even feel comfortable narrowing down more flaws in the “direction” of the film because, to put it bluntly, the entire film is a pile of shit.

Acting at its worst!

This category doesn’t apply to Terror Toons because I’m convinced no real actors were used in the filming of this dog turd. In fact, Terror Toons seems to have either been the sole credit to their resumes or the sole credit that destroyed their career. The only “success” any of these actors found afterwards was in either hardcore (Candy) porn or softcore (Cindy) porn. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love porn far more than the next guy, but that is not an endorsement of this film’s acting cred.

Could I narrow down a scene that is especially bad? Well perhaps during the lame-ass party when four cardboard cut-outs have come to life (not literally) and are splitting a four pack of slightly-alcoholic mixers and decide to play strip Ouija. You’ve never seen a more lifeless group of saps because even corpses fart sometimes. Though the entire film is bad, perhaps the parents returning home to their recently destroyed home and basically screaming as if someone had pinched their sexual organs in a machine clamp could rival the awesome party scene.

Story at its worst!

I’m giving director Joe Castro credit in assuming that he actually made writer Rudy Balli write something and then print it out. Because the way this plays out, I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if there wasn’t even a script. The basic premise of the film is completely moronic. The Devil is sending out DVDs that release 2 inept men in clown suits who kill boring people. Surely all those eons spent in hell would have resulted in a slightly more thought out and intimidating plan than that. Structurally, the film is a garbage pile. After not appearing nude in a bath (brief boob shot), Candy pretty much checks out while watching the DVD, but we cut back to her several times to see her just sitting there. Meanwhile, the cardboard cutouts talk about nothing, or something, but their lack of voice fluctuation and facial expressions make it difficult to understand. Then suddenly the pizza guy is dead, as are the friends, and Cindy transforms into a superhero version of Lisa Loeb if a superhero version of Lisa Loeb was completely stupid rather than totally hot.

Considering the film is only 75 minutes long, there isn’t much more story I can point out as being horrible but trust me – everything is horrible. Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin (who the hell names a gorilla Max Assassin?) are pretty much the worst bad guys ever and their cartoon plays like an episode of Itchy and Scratchy if that cartoon were real and also gooey bird shit sliding down a window.

The Worst of the Worst!

I don’t even know what to tell you. If by now you still want to watch this, you deserve what you get. Saying one part of this movie is worse than the other (and through logic, some parts are better than others) is like saying going numb while getting your eyes raped out by a rabid monkey is the best part of said act. It all still sucks. I would say the only part that doesn’t suck is the first few moments when you’re hoping to see some serious boobage from Candy. You get disappointingly little, but its the least amount of disappointment you’ll feel the entire time. For sake of structure, I will say the worst of the worst is the climax, where Cindy is some sort lame super hero and any part of the film that even attempts to use the worst animation you’ve ever seen in your life.

Final Thoughts

I hate Cole Abaius for making me remember the most traumatic movie going experience of my life. Seriously. This is the worst movie I’ve ever seen. Ok, it’s actually a toss up between this and one other – which will be covered later on in this column. The idea behind Terror Toons is okay, I guess, but the execution failed from the moment someone typed “Fade In” and didn’t stop until someone was tricked into putting this thing on DVD. The ultimate failure was my own, in renting this movie.

To quote Shakespeare, as I’m oft to do: Terror Toons, the love I bear for thee can afford no better term than this – thou art a villain. Also, Joe Castro, please… Stop making films. That is all.

Read more articles by Robert Fure