The 10 Deadliest Movie Monsters of All Time

Posted by Robert Fure (robert@filmschoolrejects.com) on July 12, 2009

blood

Blood: The Last Vampire is going to suck. You in. Or maybe it won’t, and it will just suck. Either way, it looks fairly bad ass and features vampires who are down to spill the red stuff, so we’re interested in it. In fact, when it comes to movie monsters, I’ll personally watch just about everything. Sure, I may have left Wyvern on my DVR for literally 5 months before getting around to watching the Alaskan Dragon kill some honkys, but I did get around to it and even enjoyed myself. Currently Razortooth is my neglected monster movie of choice. I’ll watch it sometime this year.

Anyway, whenever a monster turns up on the screen we start our little pea-brains thinking about similar things- namely the deadliest movie monsters to tear up the silver scream and shit out our entrails. Then we wrote them down in a easy to digest list form because that’s how we roll and we know you prefer looking at pictures anyways. Feast on. Although, I will warn you – like any assignment handed down to me, I refuse to take it seriously. So by deadliest I mean awesomest, and by awesomest I mean I grade on a real steep curve.

10. Jaws from Jaws

I fully intend to avoid most of the standard movie monsters people toss around, but Jaws is a badass. She’s so badass that she never had a name. She was just a rogue great white shark with a taste for human flesh and a thirst for vengeance that passed on through her loins. The oft quoted word around this film is that it made you scared to go in the water and it’s no joke – people avoided getting past their knees that year.

9. Killer Tomatoes from Attack! of the Killer Tomatoes

I’m not sure if anyone has ever said Eat your vegetables or they’ll eat you! but they fucking should have. I hate tomatoes – can’t stand them. Not in my salads, not on my sandwiches. And they aren’t even vegetables. The only good tomato is one that has been smashed into a fine paste. No wonder these bouncy bastards put the fear into both me and George Clooney.

8. Stay Puft Marshmellow Man from Ghostbusters

Think about it, if it wasn’t for the Ghostbusters could he have ever been stopped? Only by crossing the streams was it even feasible. This guy is impenetrable. He is a big soft goo pile who will crush you to death. Bullets would pass right through him. Fire would merely make him taste better. He could have done some real damage.

7. Gwoemul from The Host

His name means “monster” in Korea and he hit the scene with with a splash in The Host and wormed his way into our hearts with his big, ugly, tooth filled smile and his desire to eat lots of people. One of the more memorable creature designs of the past decade or so and he definitely proved to be deadly.

6. Ape Monster from Equinox

This is one ugly mother as Arnie would say. A giant hulking beast machine that looks way cooler on the box art than he does in the film. Regardless, this giant demon-summoned monster is one who would be awe inspiring as he fisted (heh) his way through a city.

5. Viruses from a Ton of Movies

What’s that, viruses aren’t monsters? I beg to differ. Viruses are not only a real life scary ass threat, but they haunt movies and transform regular people into flesh eating beasts or make you throw up your own eyeballs. Monstrous.

4. The Creature from Peter Benchley’s Creature

This bad dude was from a pretty sweet book that got turned into a less than sweet miniseries, but can you argue with a shark creature that can walk and breathe on land and tear your face out of your ass? No, you can’t. The Creature (shark version) makes The Creature (Black Lagoon version) look like some pansy-ass pervert. This is as close as you’re going to get to a Street Sharks movie. (I hope I’m wrong)

3. Crab Monsters from Attack of the Crab Monsters

Sure this movie may be ancient and the effects severely dated, but these crustaceans are so cantankerous and deadly you’ll think twice before going back to Red Lobster. A very campy movie with some very cool creatures, no matter what felt-like material they’re composed of. Plus pincers hurt!

2. Graboids from Tremors

One of the coolest monster movies, period. A great modern (at the time) update of the traditional B-movie with a cool-looking and mildly threatening beast that was bested the way God intended – with lots of ammunition and pipe bombs. Graboids are some of the coolest monsters in my memory and Tremors is one of my all time favorite fun flicks.

1. Werewolves from Dog Soldiers

Werewolves have been in tons of movies, but have they ever looked as dangerous and deadly as in Dog Soldiers? I submit that no, they have not. Tons of blood, great kills, and the best looking werewolves ever committed to film make this a movie to watch. Back on the candid front, werewolves are my bar-none favorite monsters. They’re like pissed off bodybuilding wolves, which is coincidentally what I consider myself. They don’t have sissy weaknesses like sunlight and they have the strength to literally tear your body in half. Sure, silver works against them but if you stabbed me with a silver fork in the eye my day would go to shit as well. In Monster Squad a werewolf is detonated with a stick of dynamite, says ‘fuck that noise,’ and just pulls himself back together. Plus, I’m damn sure an awesome werewolf could beat the crap out of any of those sissy Universal Classic monsters – even Frankenstein’s monster, that big pussy. I’m rambling now, but werewolves rule.

0. Critters from Critters

I still suck at math and while Critters aren’t nearly as cool as real werewolves, they are like tiny little werewolf mouths. Insatiable eaters that will stop at nothing and chew through anything. They can also pull a Power Rangers move and form into one big ass monster. Probably one of the few monsters I’m okay with not existing in real life.

Least Threatening Monster of All Time: You’re probably thinking the slow moving Mummy, but you’re wrong. It’s a Ghoulie from Ghoulies. Enough said.

Monsters are, in a word, the awesomest. Yeah, that’s two words, and one of them is made up. If you wanted an intellectual discussion, you should have went to Nerds.com or something.

What are your favorite movie monsters? Zero points for saying Cloverfield.