STFU: The Skinny on Kevin Carr

Posted by Dr. Cole Abaius (cole.abaius@filmschoolrejects.com) on August 14, 2008

Every Wednesday, Kevin Carr vents on what Hollywood shenanigans are boggling his mind that week in a feature we call WTF. Every Thursday from now on, an FSR staff member refutes him in a feature appropriately named STFU.

This week, we were plagued with the clever words of Kevin Carr taking on the only news story that matters ever – the Tropic Thunder Offense-a-thon. Apparently, Kevin wants to have his cake and eat it, too, citing his completely sarcastic disgust at Jack Black’s fake trailer for The Fatties: Fart 2. Kevin pointed out over and over that he’s rather hefty and pretended to be offended by the portrayal of fat folks in Black’s trailer to parody the genuine outrage of groups boycotting the film over it’s portrayal of the cognitively disabled.

My only advice? Lighten up. Of course, I meant that mentally, not physically. No one should have to lighten up physically if they don’t want to.

Words can’t describe how offended this situation makes me. Except, I mean that rhetorically because I’m about to use a lot of words to explain to what degree I’m outraged. It’s obvious, at least, why I’m offended. Kevin is pretending to be offended in order to display how offended he is by a group of people offended because an actor in a movie pretends to be an actor pretending to be a mentally handicapped person. It’s simple.

Or maybe I’m just pretending to be offended, too, in order to mock and parody Carr’s attempt at humor. You never know – sarcasm is hard to detect in writing. Maybe I’ll spout on and on about how offended I am only to display how silly it is for someone to pretend to be offended to make a point instead of actually being offended myself. It’s like when a method actor makes fun of method actors.

Despite all the levels of satire, parody, lampoon and whatever other words people can misuse for this low-level brand of humor, the one thing that makes Carr’s claims totally outrageous is something that no one in our audience knows about. That’s right. I’m about to drop a bombshell. A big one.

Kevin Carr isn’t actually fat.

To the left, I provide a photograph of the real Kevin Carr that has not at all been altered in any way, at all, ever. Undeniable, photographic proof that Carr is hiding a big, skinny secret.

That’s right, Rejects. Despite the incredible lengths he’s gone to in order to make everyone think he’s fat – photoshopping pictures, naming his podcast ‘Fat Guys at the Movies’, wearing a fat suit in public, wheezing a lot, being jolly, faking no less than 17 heart attacks, constantly talking about going on a diet but never doing it, asking if ‘you’re going to eat that’ – Carr is actually a svelte 180, standing tall at 6-foot-2. He was once mistaken for Kate Moss.

So who is he, a thin man, to speak out on behalf of the Fat Community? Who elected him to be the voice of outrage? Why does he think he can play representative to the needs of said Fat Community? Does the American League of Fat Persons really need Carr to feign offense on their behalf while drinking a smoothie after his five-times-weekly gym trip?

Maybe Kevin needs to STFU.

In private conversations, Carr claims that he needs to speak up for those that don’t have a voice – citing that normal methods of protest like marches and chanting through a megaphone without having stop to catch one’s breath every few seconds are out of the question for the horizontally afflicted. But the real truth is that he’s an opportunist looking to exploit the needs of the Fat Community for his own personal gain. I have documents proving that Carr has made well over $17.45 in his capacity as spokesmen for the cause, and that doesn’t include the packet of coupons he got for Popeye’s Chicken that he’ll never use because he shuns greasy, fried foods. The madness has to stop.

Now that I’ve let the fat out of the bag, I’m calling on a boycott of Kevin Carr. Don’t go see his movies. Don’t buy his line of energy drinks that are being advertised as “Carrb-Free.” Don’t wave ‘hello’ to him when you see him on the street. Punch him in the face if he asks how you’re doing. In short, ban the exploitation. Ban Kevin Carr.

Or maybe I’m just pretending to call for a boycott of Kevin Carr to make a point. I can’t even tell anymore.

Read more articles by Dr. Cole Abaius