Movie Style Guy: Survive a Tropical Jungle

Posted by Robert Fure (robert@filmschoolrejects.com) on August 14, 2008

With all the hubbub surrounding Tropic Thunder, maybe I should give you tips on how to navigate past a line of protesters instead. But if comes down to it, all you really need to do is drop your shoulder and charge – remember, staying low keeps your center of balance solid.

But what if you find yourself lost in the middle of a Tropical Nightmare? It’s definitely survivable, and in fact, if you can avoid the plethora of beasties that want to kill you, it’s actually not that hard of a trek.

Water

Water, water everywhere, plenty of it to drink. Water is essential and is frequently the first thing you need to find. Luckily, you’re in a rain forest, and as the name implies, water is pretty prevalent. Cutting into hanging vines may yield water and large leaves can be used to collect rainfall. Finding a river is an important survival tip for a few reasons – One, you’ve got water. Two, you’ve got transportation. Three, you’ve got a map to either civilization or the coast line (and civilization) as people usually settle near water first. To find a stream, climb a tree (if you can do so safely) or find a high position – any depressions you see generally mean a river runs through it.

Fire

If you’re in a relatively populated place, like a Hawaiian Island, just far from home and lost, creating a large signal fire can bring some heavy attention your way quickly. In very dense jungle, this may be less of an option, unless you can find a clearing – often by rivers.

Shelter

If you’re staying the night, you’ll want to find a safe place to bed down. Falling objects such as tree limbs kill dozens of people a year, so if you can, sleep in a relatively open space. Branches and logs can create an impromptu hut, but carefully clear it of any creepy crawling things. Sleep with everything that can be tucked in tucked in, to avoid something sleeping, or eating, your genitals.

Eating

Your best bet is to plant life when you can. If you don’t recognize it, don’t eat it, as it might be poisonous. Poison plants usually have shiny leaves and bright red berries. Eating roots and leaves is acceptable. You don’t really want to eat any bugs, unless you’re positive they’re not toxic. Many of the larger bugs in rain forests are venomous enough to kill you. You can, of course, try to build a makeshift spear or just use a heavy ass rock to kill some game, but remember -if you miss it may try to kill you.

Not Being Eaten

If confronted by a large cat, you’re supposed to make yourself look big and walk towards it making a hell of a lot of noise. Apparently, big cats are big pussies. If you come across a large snake, or even a small snake, know that they can strike at a target that is their body length away in about half a second, so when you see one, best bet is to run away. Stay away from bugs, as well, because as we mentioned, they’re toxic. Spiders, ants, and centipedes all carry enough venom or toxin to really ruin your day.

So those are just a few things to remember. Basically you want to find a river and walk along it until you find help or can light a signal fire. Steer clear of most wildlife because in the jungle, you’re the bitch.

And remember, if you’re ever stuck battling rebels in Cambodia, the safety on the AK-47 is “Full Up for Full Safe, Middle for Full Auto, and Full Down for Semi-Auto.**” That may just save your life.

*This advice is non-professional and may get you killed. Except the big cat part, I totally read that it’s true.

Read more articles by Robert Fure