Cutting up the cinema screens this weekend is the 12th installment of the ever present Friday the 13th franchise. You’d think with eleven films already out there and available for your perusal that most people would have figured out how to survive a slasher by now. But with every installment comes another dozen kills, clearly people are not paying enough attention! Luckily, I’ve been taking notes and can virtually guarantee* your survival.
- Wear functional shoes. This is mainly for you ladies. Stripper pumps and sandals are basically magnets for holes in the ground, branches, and other things that will have you face-planting moments before your face is cut off.
- Don’t Go Upstairs. Unless you keep a loaded gun upstairs, that’s probably the worst place to run to. Although if you have an awesome zipline system installed, ignore this one.
- Avoid drugs and excessive alcohol. Slashers are squares and they don’t like things that are cool. Also, if you’re wasted, your odds of getting away are greatly reduced, plus your ability to even understand what’s happening is probably zero.
- Don’t Cover up Killing an Innocent. Or if you do, make sure he or she is actually 100% dead before you do. Because they will come back and kill you. Or a family member might.
- Don’t Go to Camp. Stay at home and play video games.
- Do Take off Your Clothes. Well honestly this will probably help get you killed, but the odds of your surviving are low to begin with so at least die naked for our enjoyment.
- Change Your Oil. How often do cars fail to start in these situations? 9 out of 10. Keep your car in good repair and you just might make it. But probably not.
- Kill Him. Twice. Seriously. When you merely wound the guy and run away, that’s your chance to kill him. And then kill him twice. To be sure. If he’s laying on the ground all dead, smash something through his brain. Twice.
- Move. Provided you somehow managed to survive, the killer or his offspring will attempt to track you down and kill you. Don’t make it easy. Move to a new home, get a fence and a mean dog, and keep a gun nearby. Or, conversely, become a killer yourself, go out and prosper!
Follow these few tips and you might just find yourself living to enjoy another movie. Ignore these and I’ll be watching you get your back snapped in half and your innards put in a blender. So either way, it’s fine by me.
*Guarantee not valid.
What are some of your horror survival tips?
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