Coroner’s Report: The Thaw

Posted by Robert Fure (robert@filmschoolrejects.com) on October 29, 2009

Part of the Ghosthouse Underground series, Thaw is another entry in the burgeoning Global Warming Terror category which features Val Kilmer in a small role as a professor-slash-possible eco-terrorist.  You know, the whole the Earth is way more important than people argument.  I love the Earth and nature as much as the next guy, but unless it involves killer animals, eco-horror generally isn’t my thing.

Thaw kicks off when Kilmer and his team discover a thawing mastodon during their research project.  Unleashed from the brain of the animal come small “vertebrate” bug like creatures come out and start laying down their infection game on the scientists.  This might not be all that bad, if not for a group of students (including Kilmer’s daughter) show up to learn from the climate master.  Unsurprisingly, the bugs start spreading death and disease among them and they turn on each other.

Kills

At the end of the day, 8 people have died, some from the effects of the disease, some form gunshots, and others from a crashing helicopter.

Ills

We see some dead animals, there are a few gunshots, including one to the head, a dead body and some gross bodily fluids.  One guy pisses blood and remarks later that he’s going to die with “bugs in my dick.”  An arm is chopped off, a side effect is diarrhea, and the bug bites create gross sores and infections.

Lust

There is a sex scene that isn’t amazing and focuses mainly on the dude’s back.  We also see a girl take off some clothes, but it is nothing to be excited about.

Learning

The film wants to tell you that global warming is bad and that eventually we’ll hurt the Earth so bad we’re killed.  Mostly though it teaches me that anyone who is way into the environment is generally a douchebag.

Review

This year’s Ghosthouse Underground titles are a bit better than last years and The Thaw manages to be a pretty decent time. Cigarette Smoking Man makes a brief cameo in between preachy douches tell you about how horrible we are.  The film looks amazing, though this is mostly because of the beautiful British Columbia landscape captured in beautiful high definition.

The movie tries hard to teach you something but it comes off as that idiot kid in the back of your economics class who isn’t quite sure what Free Trade is.  The characters stress that the bugs are not bugs, but are in fact vertebrates making them “like us.”  The problem here is that there are literally millions of vertebrates in the world that are exactly nothing like us.  You see, vertebrates have spinal columns.  That’s it, basically.  Sharks, mice, apes, lizards, and a ton of other stuff.  So no, these bug-like creatures are not like us anymore than an armadillo or a turtle is.  In fact, they are probably less like us than most creatures, like chimpanzees and pigs, because they’ve been removed from the evolutionary gene-pool and essentially frozen in time.

The story devolves into mostly a “we’re stuck in this place surrounded by these things” type of deal with some inner strife.  Think The Thing if the Thing was a bunch of tiny bugs that were easily contained in a room by using duct tape.  All of this said, when you ignore the preachy stuff, it’s a movie that is easily watchable, though not too memorable.  Val Kilmer is good in his limited time – the guy can do pretty much anything if he wants to and here he puts in enough effort to be the best part of the film, though I’m an open Val Kilmer fan.  At the end of the day, The Thaw aims to teach you a lesson that’s not worth learning, but as a movie, it’s strictly average.

Blu-ray

As I mentioned, the film looks amazing.  The picture quality is astounding.  The exterior British Columbia setting reminds you why documentarians and nature photographers are often the first to adopt high definition set-up.  It is exhilarating.  The perfect is absolutely perfect when outdoors and overall it’s a great looking visual experience.  Sound wise, there isn’t a ton going on that they can pump through the speakers, but it is digital and crystal clear with crisp response.  There are a few extras, mostly a making-of that is pretty light and not worth checking out.

On the Living Side: Great landscape with good picture presentation, at least on my set-up.  I’ve read some people had trouble with artifacting, but my experience was good.

On the Dead Side: Lame political story with predictable turns and conclusions.

On the Side: The working title of the film was “Bed Bugs.”

Read more articles by Robert Fure