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Welcome to the first installment of the newest weekly feature here at Film School Rejects, The Coroner’s Report. This will serve as our outlet for horror news, cool genre bits, horror reviews, and a guide to all the best horror from years past. Awesome, right? Right.

When movie reviews come around, starting next week, we’ll be grading them on the brand new KILLER scoring system. Never heard of it? That’s because I made it up. KILL scoring covers all the basics that make any horror movie great: Kills, Ills, Lust, Learning, and Review. Kills will cover the body count and any really amazing deaths, which are totally important. Ills focuses on the gore, gross bits, and perversity. Lust, of course, discusses the steamy bits, the T, the A, and everything in between. Learning highlights what each film can teach us – there are a lot of simple lessons to be learned from horror movies, from who to trust to what to keep in your trunk. Review, obviously, details the final thoughts on the film as a whole. Now, these films will be graded as horror films, not as epic pieces of cinema. I’m here to guide you into the depths of horror and show you a bloody good time, not find any Oscar contenders.

Now I wouldn’t want to waste your time just with introductions, so to kick things off I’ve got a preview for you of the awesome comic Friday the 13th: Abuser and the Abused, on stands now. This little beauty is selling out fast, so if you see a copy, grab it. Don’t even bother opening it to decide, you want this. Joshua Hale Fialkov wrote this issue with awesome, retro inspired art by Andy B. The art of this book really seals the deal; if you don’t think this is cool, punch yourself in the face until you do.

Kills

This one and done issue has only a handful of slayings, around four if memory serves. The last few are definitely totally sweet. Due to the small number of kills, I won’t spoil any of them.

Ills

A pretty tame issue overall, but that doesn’t mean we don’t get our good share of spilled blood throughout and things do get very violent at the end. Nice.

Lust

As you can see, we do get a glimpse at some barely covered ta-tas on a hot gothic looking babe. Not spanking material, but I was glad to see it.

Learning

Like many horror lessons, this gives us two reliable ones: Be careful who you fuck with and stay away from areas well known for being the sites of mass murders.

Review

Again, this is worth owning just for the art. Story wise, we get some humanity injected in the right spots – namely the regular characters, not Jason, who remains a violent, silent killing machine, the way he should be. This is a great issue but it did leave me wanting more more more! I want more Jason, more killing, and definitely more of Andy B’s retro art stylings!

Alright, creeps, that’ll do it for our first installment of The Coroner’s Report. Check back in next week as we kick off a full review of the After Dark Horrorfest, covering all of the movies including the upcoming and as of yet unseen Frontier(s).