When Neil asked me to wrap up my Con experience, I immediately thought about love. By now hopefully you’ve seen my brand of love – face punches. But there are times, notably around very beautiful women, when I stop punching faces with my fist and start punching hearts with my… Well with my heart. They’re heart punches together. And they equal sign love. Just look at that photo of Paris Hilton as we catch eyes across the room at the Lions Gate Panel. I could feel it. So could she.
Now, somehow I ended up with the moniker of the “Ladies Man” at the Con, despite the fact that our photographer Cody set a record for most photos featuring a partially exposed breast.
While I didn’t fully understand the title at the time, I figure once I touched a legitimate porn star, the title was rightfully mine. So, spying Katie Morgan, I immediately decided she needed some help standing upright as she appeared structurally unstable but amazingly hot. Mission accomplished.
But being a ladies man bears a great deal of responsibility. A lot of these women have boyfriends or husbands. Who am I to wreck these happy homes? No, not in good conscience could I try to bed these women, so I stayed my distance.
When Elizabeth Banks was asked if there was anyone in the room she’d really like to make a porno with, our eyes met. She giggled. The mood in the room got real sexy real fast.
Just the thought of us leaving together nearly ruined the interview. It was hard to keep it together on both sides of the table. Luckily, my willpower remained strong and I decided not to woo her – her career is really taking off. The last thing I wanted to do was take her away from that.
The same went for Julie Benz. This girl is having a tremendous year. At Comic Con she was on the panels for Dexter, Punisher: War Zone, and Saw V. To make her fall in love with me now would be crueler than anything Jigsaw could ever do. But that didn’t stop us from locking eyes. Oh no, Julie. We will always have San Diego.
I did my best to keep some distance between myself and these lovely ladies. My scent has been known to drive women and some large predatory mammals insane. There’s no telling what they may do. But sometimes, you just have to get close. Amanda Rightetti and I share a moment while discussing the best way to cleave a man in two:
Strong, sexy women and I get along great. There’s that raw attraction that comes with power. Ever since I face punched a gorilla for making lewd gestures in a zoo, women could sense in me that I was Alpha. Rhona Mitra felt it and I felt I could do no wrong.
I thought Kevin had turned the camera off. I started talking about leather, whips, and chains. I figured we’d known each other for 45 seconds, whats the worst that could happen?
Alpha Male or not, there are some things a girl just won’t do on the first date.
Here we are as Paris stood by waiting for me to take her by the hand. I knew I shouldn’t, but the allure was there.
At the Repo! panel, I had seen what she could do. There was a sexy music video that had the audience stirring in their seats.
I could feel her undressing me with her eyes. I could feel myself undressing with my hands.
I stopped and decided to take it easy.
As the press conference ended, we locked eyes again. She was hitting poses for the guys begging for her attention. Me? I couldn’t lose it. She was waiting.
My eyes said everything she needed to know. I wasn’t going with her. I spoke “We’ll always have the tape.” She responded that we never made a tape together.
I told her – “I meant I’ll always have your tape.”
I’ll always remember this Comic Con for all the love. It was everywhere. Next year I’ll probably mask my scent to blend in better. Body Odor seemed to be a popular smell, though I’m not sure that I could pull it off.
What stuck with me also was the contempt of the men. Oh Naruto, you young fool. How hard you try.
One man, however, did not feel contempt for me. There is only one emotion that Seth Rogen knows when I am in the room – love. The subtle twinge of jealousy on his face as Elizabeth and I laughed off reports we’d be heading off to the Marriott to make our own tape. Seth, forgive me. I’ll always be there for you.
So looking back on my time in San Diego, my heart is full of the joys I have known. I long to return to that magical world, perhaps next time to fully embrace the kindred souls I had to push away. Pardon me if I’ve become sappy, I shall return to breast jokes momentarily. It is only now, recollecting, I can see why I was selected as the Ladies Man. I was a magnet. It was a gift and a curse. I can not turn it off. I had always thought my role on the team was for Punching Faces, but maybe I should have been handing out hugs all along. Or at least Free Ass Grabs to hotties.
So long, Comic Con and thank you for the memories. Oh and one last picture of Amanda Righetti, because this is my article and I will do what I damn well please.