The full title for this editorial should be “Wear a Watch, You Huge Fucking Asshole” but I’m not sure how we feel about having that headlined across the homepage. You know, because of the kids. As if kids read this site. But if they do, I’m sure they’re the kind of kids who already curse and smoke. You know, cool kids.

Anyways, what does wearing a watch have to do with movies? Everything, thanks to cell phones. Obviously cell phones are cool. They let us talk on the go and send text messages, which is kind of like talking but without having to actually find the time or effort to interact with another person. Mine lets me play video games on it, and I’m sure yours gives you a convenient excuse to not talk to whoever is nearby at any one time. What this all means is that cell phones are prolific. They are everywhere. We each own one. I’m sure some of you own two. You might even carry two. I don’t care if one is just for work, you’re still a douchebag.

Hold on, don’t go, I’m about ready to connect this to movies. Maybe you’ve already guessed it, but….

When you’ve got a device in your pocket that can do everything from set meetings to make calls to find recipes and access all sorts of German hardcore porn (it leads to very efficient masturbation), there isn’t much else you need in life. Other than food, water, shelter, a sense of humor, and compassion for your fellow man. Point being, how many people even wear a watch these days? Those that do, try an experiment: ask them what time it is. Most of them probably reach for their cell phone despite wearing something on their wrist that only has the singular purpose of answering that question.

Wait, movies, got it. Relate it. Bring it home.

Some movies suck. Some movies are long. When the world feels like you really need reamed in the ass, sometimes the movie that sucks is also very long. You want to get out. You want to know how much longer you have to suffer. You want to know what time it is. Check your watch. Shit, you don’t have one. Check your cell phone.

You gigantic fucking asshole. You just brought your cellphone out in a dark theater. Now, if the movie is especially heinous, maybe I don’t care. But then again, maybe you’re the kind of double-digit dick that has that super important meeting at Olive Garden later with you bros (hopefully one will Ice you at the party later!) so you just need to know right now what time it is. And you don’t wear a watch.

Time checking is one example. Another may be checking a text. Or an email. Or a missed call. This is a reminder that you need to get kicked in your stupid face. Or a reminder to at least keep your cellphone in you pocket for two god damn hours. There is a very short list of things that qualify as important enough for you to whip out your cellphone. They include things like a baby being born, a loved one in the hospital, or if you’re some sort of badass who is always on call to save the world. Then again, if any of these things are imminent, maybe you should have just caught Date Night on DVD.

It’s hard to believe that mobile phones and cinemas have coexisted for more than 30 years yet some people out there haven’t yet realized that just because they coexist doesn’t mean they should cohabitate. You do one at a time. Want to play on your phone? Get the fuck out of the theater. Want to watch a movie? Sit there, in the dark, and pay attention.

There is virtually no reason for that phone to leave your pocket or your purse when you’re watching a movie. Ninety-nine out of one-hundred god damn times, you’re just a huge asshole. For shit’s sake man, recognize your surroundings. You’re ruining the experience for others. Heads-up: you’re also probably a dick outside of the theater too and you use your phone too much. But that’s another issue for another time. For the here and the now, when I see a cellphone come out in a darkened theater, I go past my boiling point to my kicking you in the skull point.

Find a dark theater somewhere and read more Boiling Point on your cell phone