Boiling Point: Kids Ruin Everything

Posted by Robert Fure (robert@filmschoolrejects.com) on May 25, 2009

Kids ruin everything.  I’m not just talking about marriages.  No, I’m not talking about whiny little brats kicking the back of your chair during the previews.  This isn’t even about the little bastard talking about his poo during the movie – I relate to that and nor is it about that lady breast feeding her kid in the middle of an R-Rated film, I already covered that.  No, this is about children as characters in movies.  They suck.  They always suck and they will never not suck.  Kids ruin everything.

Modern case in point: Terminator Salvation. Why the hell was there a little girl in this film?  What purpose did she serve?  None.  Granted, she wasn’t overly annoying, but are we to believe that in an apocalyptic future where 3 billion strong, healthy men and women were killed, an 8 year old girl is tough enough?  Math time.  Judgement Day was in 2004.  The film was in 2018.  Anyone under 14 was born after Judgement Day.  Anyone under 13 conceived after Judgement Day.  Who is popping out kids and then abandoning them or dying?  Why wasn’t the child killed too?  I heard kids are our future, so if anything the robots should be gunning for kids!

Retro case in point:  Jurassic Park: All of them. In the first one the kids are okay, for the most part.  The girl is annoying because like every teen in the 90s she is a “computer hacker.”  Ok.  She manages to somehow access a 3D security system interface like something out of Lawnmower Man.  Stupid writing – yes.  Even stupider that a child is doing it?  Yes.  The Lost World. A whiny brat who does gymnastics to escape and killer velociraptors.  What?  Bring the hacker back!  Third installment?  A kid lost on the island who somehow manages to evade all sorts of dinosaurs for weeks and tosses T-Rex pee around like hand grenades and survives.  Ok.  Strange.  Adults show up and suddenly the kid is helpless.  What?

There in is the biggest problem – writing kids into movies is inherently stupid.  They’re just there to be that character in distress.  If you try to make them strong, its unbelievable because they’re kids.  Kids shit their own pants and drown in puddles.  They don’t fight dinosaurs.  Make them weak and its just plain annoying that the kid is there.  He’s always in danger yet he’s always going to survive because Hollywood doesn’t have the balls to put 2 and 2 together and find out that Small Human + Weak Body = Easy Target.  Tales from the Crypt Presents Demon Knight got it right though, and that little ass got torn up.  Let’s also forget that 99% of child actors can’t act.  Because they’re kids.  They don’t even know what acting is yet, but somehow they get paid more than me.

How many more kids have sucked in movies?  Let me hit you with five words. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Yeah, suck it.  That is the prime example of why kids shouldn’t be the focus of any movie an adult wants to see.  Who cares about Stuart Little or some family film or comedy with kids.  In a movie aimed at adults you can’t put the weight of the film on a child’s shoulders.  They have tiny shoulders and weak arms and will collapse under it.

So for the most part, I’m tired of kids in movies.  Like I said – kids films are fine.  Anyone over 12 is fine.  Supporting characters in a comedy, fine.  But keep them the hell out of my action films.  There is no danger.  The kid will survive, despite that in reality, they’re easy targets and totally worth bonus points if you run them over.  Almost as much as crippled seniors. (Relax, you sensitive folks, its a Death Race joke)  For my money, kid characters have almost no place in action movies and any time I see a useless kid added for no reason whatsoever I throw a baby tantrum and waaa-waaa right past my boiling point.

Talk about how much kids suck or find one of the rare instances in film that they don’t.

Read more articles by Robert Fure