With the news that Bruce Willis thinks a Die Hard 5 is on the way sooner than we all hope, and that the scope will be even bigger than the internet, it seems like the perfect opportunity to brainstorm the best possible way to drag every last damned dime out of the franchise.
Don’t worry – I’m leaving the jokes about John McClane halting a terrorist takeover of a retirement community by the wayside. Besides, I think these pitches could actually, totally plausibly, not at all jokingly, and completely seriously make a studio exec raise her eyebrow.
Which makes me sad.
Yippee. Ki. Yay:
Skate or Die! Hard
The Personnel: Tony Hawk makes his directorial debut with Olympian Shaun White playing sidekick to Bruce Willis
The Pitch: When evil terrorists led by Hans Gruber’s third cousin take over the X Games, McClane and professional skateboarder Ron White (played by professional snowboarder Shaun White) have to save the day by killing everyone…on the vert ramp! They compete in five skating events, choosing to lay down their weapons, get high together, and have a rad time that will inevitably be sequel-ed by Die Hard 6: Excite Bike. This summer…you’ll skate…or die hard.
To Die Hard For
The Personnel: Gus Van Sant directs with Nicole Kidman as the love interest for Bruce Willis
The Pitch: Van Sant returns to his 1995 comedy thriller when evil terrorists led by Hans Gruber’s third cousin take over a television station as a diversion to their true evil terrorist plan. Instead of the scale increase that Willis is claiming, it will actually get far more intimate as Kidman, a tough-as-nails reporter who will do anything to make it big, teams up with John McClane inside the ventilation ducts. Will romance bloom or is she….just part of the diversion? This summer…Nicole Kidman gives Bruce Willis something…to die hard for.
To Die Hard, To Sleep, No More
The Personnel: Kenneth Branagh directs with Kenneth Branagh co-starring with Bruce Willis
The Pitch: Shoot ‘em up action takes a back seat to tense, explosive dialogue in this re-imagination of William Shakespeare’s “Hamlet.” Branagh brings his considerable theater pedigree and filmmaking prowess to create the first installment in the franchise to be nominated for Best Picture. But instead of focusing on McClane, the story focuses on Hans Gruber’s third cousin who (besides being an evil terrorist) is questioning his own existence and whether or not he should seek revenge on the man who killed Hans and Simon. Alan Rickman and Jeremy Irons cameo as the ghosts. Billy Crystal cameos as the skull of Yorick. This December…your arthouse friend who thinks he’s really intelligent because he knows the word ‘epitome’ will drag you to…To Die Hard, To Sleep, No More.
Can’t Die Hardly Wait
The Personnel: Seth Green directs his old cast alongside Bruce Willis
The Pitch: In this nonstop high school sex romp with a heart, John McClane finally gets canned and is forced to become a guard at Chester A. Arthur High School. From this new vantage point, he gets a bird’s eye view of the day-to-day experiences of a cliched Hollywood high schooler. But all is not well. Not only can Hunter not seem to get with the prettiest girl in school, the art teacher, Mr. Gruber (Seth Green) terrorizes the kids with homework and pop quizzes! Will he really make good on his threat to cancel the class ski trip? Or can the salty new guard stop him? Jennifer Love Hewitt returns as Amanda, the cheer-leading coach with a drinking problem; Charlie Korsmo comes out of retirement to play William, the computer science teacher who loves karaoke; and Ethan Embry reprises his character from Empire Records because nothing else in the movie makes sense either. Jerry O’Connell cameos as himself. This summer….you won’t be able to can’t die hardly wait to buy your ticket.
Get Rich Or Die Hard Tryin’
The Personnel: Jim Sheridan directs 50 Cent and Bruce Willis
The Pitch: In the first ever cross-over, double sequel, Get Rich or Die Hard Tryin’ sees 50 Cent as Marcus who has risen to stardom. John McClane, despite saving the city, the nation and the world, has been assigned to accompany the rapper on his USO tour of Afghanistan. The odd pair butt heads at first, but soon McClane is rapping and Marcus is jokingly asking for an aspirin. The lightheartedness ends when a group of evil terrorists led by Hans Gruber’s third cousin proves to be behind a conspiracy to use rap music to control the minds of US soldiers. Marcus becomes the centerpiece of the plot, and McClane has to kill everyone and stop his new friend from ever getting on stage. This Summer…studios will get rich or die hard tryin’ to shove 50 Cent down the throats of movie-goers.