So many reasons to hit that thing. For one – it’s a clown, secondly – it’s a mini golf ornament. Combined, that makes for one extremely hittable target, like a street performer or a dolphin. You can easily channel all of your ever-present life rage and nagging self-doubts right into the stupid face of that smiling fiberglass goon. It’s the perfect crime.
And no, I looked it up and this golf course does not appear to actually exist. Afterward I began to google mini golf courses in general, then started looking at the more elaborate and fun ones out there. And now that’s all I can think about. There’s literally an hour time difference between writing the first paragraph of this entry and the second one, all thanks to mini golf courses.
6. Harry vs. A Telephone in In Bruges
Best. Comeback. Ever.
If I had to justify why this is so high on the list, that’s pretty much it. The phone did get a licking, but the fact that he is called out on it, and the ensuing reaction he gives, makes this a vicious fatality. Also, it’s hilarious. Turns out that Voldemort is pretty funny when he is angry.
Anyone see Seven Psychopaths yet? Same guy, Martin McDonagh, wrote and directed In Bruges. Everything I’ve heard about it was wonderful, and yet it was in and out of the theaters faster than when I brought my slide whistle to a showing of Monster’s Ball.
5. Walter vs. A Corvette in The Big Lebowski
It’s a bum rap, but hey – that’s what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps, right? That must have been a serious blast to shoot, at least for John Goodman. Think about it – he’s getting paid, a lot, to pull a full-blown Nicholson on that shiny red vehicle. For most of us, it’s the other way around.
Big shout out to The Dude’s car, as well – as it receives just as much punishment in this scene, not to mention the continuous abuse throughout the film. It’s the Butters of cars.
4. Miles Dyson vs. His CPU in Terminator 2: Judgment Day
What makes this particularly brutal is the fact that Miles has been spending years building this thing to perfection. He’s devoted his life to it – it’s his quest. And now here he is, letting that grail fall straight into the abyss and onto the body of a dead Nazi chick. Only he’s not just letting it die, he is killing it like the wicked badass that he is.
Seriously, Miles – for everyone else it took years of paranoia and gun training to work up the gall to blow up a building filled with cops. You made the transition in a night. That’s some top-notch crazy bruiser shit.
3. Frodo vs. The One Ring in The Lord Of The Rings
Ever walk like a gazillion miles just to throw something in a volcano? Yes, Precious had it coming, but that doesn’t make death-by-lava any less of a brutality. Also, this is the only thing on the list that causes a volcano to explode when it is broken. It’s the goddamn Mentos to Mt. Doom’s Diet Coke.
Above all else, this is particularly severe because of the immense satisfaction in watching it all go to hell. Not just for the characters involved, but for the theater full of people who’ve been sitting there for four hours waiting to see this ring die. These are the same people who’ve sat through three movies waiting for this one event – this one inanimate object to screw off.
And no, I don’t care how much magic whispering the thing did – it’s an inanimate object. It doesn’t fight back – it’s pretty much a plant.
2. Columbus, Tallahassee, Wichita, & Little Rock vs. An Entire Souvenir Shop in Zombieland
Take that, Native American gift shop! Seriously guys, they’ve been through enough of our bullshit at this point, haven’t they? Sure, everyone’s a zombie now but could you at least go down the road to Walmart and smash stuff there? Someone had to set all that stuff up, someone who probably cared. It’s just insensitive is all I’m saying.
Anyway, yeah… zombies and stuff. Seems like only a year ago we were talking about a Zombieland TV show. Sounds promising, after all – how could a TV show with zombies in it possibly go wrong?
1. Peter, Michael, & Samir vs. The Fax/Copier/Printer in Office Space
Was there any doubt?
It has everything: raw anger, awesome music, total justice. After all – who can’t relate to this scene? It’s so primal of an urge that we get satisfaction just by watching it. It’s the need to screw it all and take to the streets, disrobing yourself back into animal form in a celebration of what humankind once was.
This moment of three men, together in wilderness, dumping rage on one deserving inanimate object is the very meaning of life as we know it.
I’m 100% positive that I’ve only scratched the surface here, and will no doubt think of hundreds more examples the day after this is published. So what are some or your favorite Hulk-smashes in films? Do tell.
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