10 Cinematic Animals Cooler than a Portuguese Water Dog
Posted by Robert Fure (robert@filmschoolrejects.com) on April 21, 2009
If you’ve touched a newspaper or watched even a moment of television, you’ve probably heard that President Obama got a dog. This is, for some reason, the top story over such things as murder, crime, the economy, and the US Navy totally blowing 3 pirates away with simultaneous sniper head-shots to rescue an American captive (this needs to be a movie starring John Cena, please). Well you know what? Portuguese Water Dogs are nothing. In fact, there are at least 10 cooler creatures Obama could have picked to roam the White House Front Lawn – and here they are.
10. Air Bud
If you’re going to get a dog, why not get one that can shoot some hoops – or any of his extended family that have apparently mastered baseball, field goal kicking, and space flight.
9. Rats!
Not a common consideration for a White House pet, but they should fit right in on Capitol Hill (ba-dum dum!). Plus, as Willard taught us, having a legion of rats under your control is more awesome and less gross than you might think.
8. Pegasus
Forget Air Force One, this is how you ride in style. Comes complete with chaff and flare dispensers (I think).
7. Giant Ants
An ant colony is a lame gift or a sorry excuse for a pet. But if you take the giant ants from Empire of the Ants, not only do you have a robust and interesting pet, you can also use them to scare Iran away from the dangers of nuclear proliferation. Also, they can kill your enemies.
6. Salacious Crumb
This little monkey-like dude may actually be sentient and intelligent, making this one up for grabs. If he is some sort of animal and not a misunderstood babbling genius, this Return of the Jedi fixture would be fun to have around, as he agrees with everything you say and hates snooty robots.
5. The Last Unicorn
When you’re the most powerful man on the planet, you get the worlds rarest pet, plain and simple. Water dogs, bah!
4. A Giant Crocodile
A la Peter Pan or Lake Placid. Why? Why not! Not only is this totally pimp, but Washington DC was built on a swamp, so really he’d be returning a creature to its natural habitat. Can you picture how awesome it would be to see a 30 foot crocodile sunning itself on the White House lawn and playfully lunging at Marine One?
3. Bubastis
A genetically modified lynx, this Watchmen holdover is the coolest cat that has ever lived, except for maybe that one in Cat’s Eye that killed the little troll by knocking him into a fan, saving a young Drew Barrymore. Though, admittedly, if Obama did own Bubastis, we should all fear for the future of our country and much of mankind.
2. Falkor
Listen, you have to be tough when you want to rule the free world and nothing says “Back the hell up” like arriving to a meeting driving some sort of dog dragon. It’s half friendly dog, half giant damn dragon, and 100% business when you park that thing on an aircraft carrier off the coast of China.
1. Dilophosaurus
Cloning dinosaurs should be number 1 on Obama’s to do list. It will stimulate the economy by creating jobs and a place for me to spend my money and frighten our enemies into submission. Sure, we could be cliche and put a Tyrannosaurus Rex on the yard, but then it would look like we’re overcompensating. Instead, borrow one of these from Jurassic Park and let this plucky little guy spit on protesters and eat the faces of those who dare oppose us. Either that or get a Triceratops because those rock ass.
Bonus Pick: A German Shepherd
Follow me on this one – they’re awesome. Did you see I am Legend? Best part of the movie was that dog, who out-acted Will Smith and was probably smart enough to open the fridge and get a beer. Plus, in The Tripper, German Shepherds showed a willingness to kill both hippies and Courtney Cox.
What animal do you think the Obama’s should have adopted?
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