This weekend’s opening of Julie & Julia came and went without a ton of fanfare – at least not the kind of fanfare that came with G.I. Joe. But Julie & Julia represents a watershed moment in cinematic history. It’s the first blog to be adapted into a feature film.
Since FSR actually started as a blog (and evolved into what is clearly an online equestrian health magazine), we have a soft spot in our hearts for them right next to the soft spot we have for movie theater butter and the actual, physical soft spot that was created by eating too much movie theater butter.
The future of filmmaking is bound to include more than a few blogs as subject material (since studios love playing follow the leader), so we figured we’d get a head start and present 10 of the Blogs we think would do well on the big screen.
10. Andrew Sullivan – The Daily Dish
The Blog: The Daily Dish
Genre: Political Thriller
The Pitch: With his intrepid investigation skills and the help of his faithful Beagle sidekicks Dusty and Eddy, Andrew Sullivan uncovers a disastrous government conspiracy even bigger than Sarah Palin faking her last pregnancy. The rumors of Obama being a secret Muslim from Kenya are actually coming from within his own camp – attempting to keep the public blinded to a much darker truth involving a multi-national robotics corporation, nationalized health care, and the death of comedy’s Bea Arthur. Can Sullivan book himself onto Real Time with Bill Mahr in time to warn the nation? And who will believe him?
Bruce Willis grows a beard to play Sullivan, the film will be broken up inexplicably by photographs taken from people’s windows, and we shoot it for $50 million.
The Blog: Dlisted
The Pitch: When a competing semi-celebrity blog pops up on the web covering the exploits of has-beens and never-wases, Michael K. finds himself as an unsuspecting target of the site’s ire – becoming a D-lister himself. Soon, shots of him in Lucite heels and his mangina flashing as he gets out of limos plaster the internet. In order to get his life back, Michael K. bands together with the non-celebrities he once mocked in order to get Congress to stiffen laws against the paparazzi – making him America’s sweetheart and Slut of the Year.
Legally Blonde 2 director Charles Herman-Wurmfeld helms, and we shoot it for $40 million.
The Blog: I Can Has Cheezburger
Genre: Family Film
The Pitch: In what will most assuredly become the Milo and Otis of this generation, an adorable, slightly mentally impaired cat goes on an epic quest handed down to him by Ceiling Cat to has his very own cheeseburger. He teams up with a sickeningly cute array of felines and one ridiculously bucket-obsessed walrus on a cross country trek that will have audiences rolling the aisles and warming in their hearts.
Michael J. Fox voices the cat, Forrest Whitaker voices the walrus, and we shoot it for $25 million.
7. Michael Yon Online
The Blog: Michael Yon Online
Genre: War Drama
The Pitch: In perhaps the only serious pitch of this entire article, Michael Yon braves the heat and instability of Afghanistan in order to uncover the reality behind the war being waged there. Shot documentary style, the camera follows his exploits as he traverses the landscape, taking pictures and noting the epic visual poetry of a part of the world that most have forgotten even in the cultural shock of war. We see the soldiers, the civilians, and the harsh reality of the Taliban’s opium-funded reign in the gritty realism that can’t be found on the 10 o’clock news.
Kathryn Bigelow directs, Jeremy Renner stars, and we shoot it for $80 million.
6. Look At This Fucking Hipster
The Blog: LATFH
Genre: Indie Romantic Comedy
The Pitch: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It’s a really obscure number. You’ve probably never heard of it. And you’ll also never hear about this film when it gets released unless you’re cool enough. If you thought Nick and Norah were hipster, wait until you check out the collaboration between Joe Swanberg, Dave Eggers, Vincent Gallo, and Adrian Tomine that features a soundtrack boasting the talents of YACHT, Dinosaur Jr, Dirty Projectors, Journey, State Prison Surprise, Mechanical Grandma, Bat for Lashes, and a few other bands that may or may not have been made up.
People you’ve never heard of but should will star, and it’ll be shot for an undisclosed sum in a bar that Andy Warhol might have visited once or twice.
The Blog: Engadget
Genre: Science Fiction/ Cautionary Tale
The Pitch: In the year 2079, when the machines finally become sentient and begin their complex new relationship with mankind, all is going well until a renegade iPhone 89G with a Napoleon complex wants more out of life than getting directions to Chinese restaurants and surfing for porn in public places for his owner. When the rebellion starts, the government turns to one of the oldest and most respected electronics journals on the planet – recruiting Engadget editor-in-chief, Joshua Toplosky IV. His intelligent team of experts plots out a strategy that will quell the uprising and set things back in order, but a heinous army general has a plan all his own to send mankind back into the 19th century by killing off all machines everywhere. Will reason prevail? Or will it be all out war?
Steven Spielberg directs, Clive Owen stars, and we shoot it for $500 million.
The Blog: Lifehacker
The Pitch: Samuel Jacobs’s life is falling apart. He’s just lost his job, the economy has forced him out of his house, and he just found out his wife has been cheating on him with his former boss. Losing his grip on reality, he decides that streamlining his life is the only answer and falls in with a group calling themselves the Life Hackers. Thanks to the charming, sexy Charlene that leads the rabble, Sam is able to lower his insurance rate, make his own dog treats for cheap, drink exactly the right amount of water after a workout, and leave voicemail messages without having to waste time listening to that pesky laundry list of answering machine options. With a successful garden business growing right in his backyard, he’s a millionaire within the year, never wastes a minute of time, and he’s connecting really well with Charlene…but is he truly happy?
Jim Carrey co-stars with Charlize Theron, and we shoot it for $40 million. Ahead of schedule and under budget.
The Blog: Wonkette
Genre: Political Satire
The Pitch: Departing from the same old schtick in political films, this gem follows the Presidential hopes of 6 different candidates who all seem hopelessly unable to form sentences – except one who’s incredibly good at forming sentences but doesn’t seem to say much. There’s the dog-fuckingly old Walnuts McMurty who can’t stop reminding people he’s a war veteran; the plastic-faced Glove Chomsky who botoxes his teeth; Helen Stanton, the shrewd wife of a former diplomat who puts her lipstick on one leg at a time like everyone else; Barry Al Najjaf Henderson who may or may not be a secret Muslim terrorist from Not-The-United-States-istan; Paul Rogers who has trouble spelling and convinces his twelve followers to fly a hot air balloon on election day instead of voting; and, of course, Jim Anthony who sleeps with everyone else’s wife and smiles a lot because he’s having a ton of sex. Like most satires, the bulk of the film will follow the ne’er-do-wells through the electoral exploits leaving no stereotype unturned forever and ever – but the real focus of the film will be what nubile Hill interns are taking it up the rump and writing blogs about it.
A children’s treasury of hideous actors will star, Dustin Hoffman will direct, and we shoot it for $60 million.
The Blog: /Film
Genre: Not Horror
The Pitch: Although most will mistake this movie for a horror film, it will actually span all genres of the art – taking notes from drama, comedy, western, science fiction and New Wave. When famed podcaster and managing editor David Chen (played by Sir Ben Kingsley) is murdered in the middle of a /filmcast taping, it’s up to intrepid site runner Peter Sciretta (played by Daniel Craig) to figure out who the killer is while attempting to continue posting fifty to sixty bits of movie news every day. One by one, his editors are knocked off by a trolling fanboy commentor, but as Sciretta gets closer to the truth, he finds himself closer to being killed.
Darren Aronofsky directs, we shoot it for $35 million, and we spend $60 million on marketing to convince people it’s not a horror film.
The Blog: Stereogum
The Pitch: I have no idea what the plot will be about – mostly flashing lights and random dialog, but holy hell will the soundtrack be amazing.
Editor’s Note: Special thanks go out to the lovely and talented Caitlin for hipping me to Michael Yon’s work. For anyone interested in knowing more about what’s going down on the ground in Afghanistan, I highly suggest reading his work (and maybe tossing him a few shekels if you can manage).