Film School Rejects » The Coroner’s Report

Coroner’s Report: Friday the 13th Part VI

Robert Fure — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:06:38 +0000

It occurred to me recently that we hadn’t quite finished our journey through the world of Jason Voorhees. Somehow it slipped my mind and schedule that we never had a little sit down round the campfire to talk about Friday the 13th Part VI, Jason Lives. We’ve got a couple more after that we’ll get to in the future (lots of newer stuff to review in the mean time) but for now, let’s talk about six, baby.

When we last left Jason Voorhees, little Tommy Jarvis had went a bit psycho and killed him. Then Tommy Jarvis went psycho and helped fight off a mentally unbalanced medic who took up the machete. In this installment, the real Jason Voorhees is back and one might argue that this is the turning point of the series. Sure, he’s survived a lot before, but now he’s a literal corpse, risen from the grave, ready to get his kill on. Meanwhile, everyone still thinks Tommy is batshit insane as he tries to warn them that an unstoppable killer is on the loose.

Kills

This installment of the franchise tallies up a very respectable 18 kills, which is something to write home to mother about.

Ills

A heart is torn out, a spear is pushed into a guy who is then flipped over, then the spear is thrust into some dudes face. An arm is torn off, a tree limb is shoved into a face, two heads (COMBO!) are cut off with one machete swing. A bottle is inserted into a throat, two people are stabbed at once, a face gets smashed, a head is stabbed, another head is ripped off, then a head is smashed and someone gets bent in half. This is a bloody one, baby.

Lust

There is a sex scene with a hot girl, but we don’t get to see any boobs. We do get to see a panty shot later, but come on, where is the nudity at?

Learning

All it takes to bring back an unstoppable and evil killing force is a timely lightning bolt to a metal rod inserted in a villain’s chest.

Review

Jason Lives really, in retrospect, seems to celebrate the series. Yet, viewed through the eyes of the time this was a pretty radical change. Now, Jason movies are fun. This is when it stopped being about anything resembling a scary flick and more about embracing and enhancing the slasher genre it created. If you’re only passing familiar with Friday the 13th this is the movie you think of it – if not by name, then by substance. The kills are classic, full of blood and humor. You can call this the Combo-Kill Edition because on at least two occasions Jason scores two kills with one move, like he was playing some brutal video game in his head.

Speaking of humor, some of you youngsters might not remember this ever happening, but this is the installment that has its own little James Bond moment. Jason walks into the frame, kills the viewer, and the screen wobbles away. Definitely not a serious film here, folks, but one that I found very enjoyable. Sure, there is some bad dialog, most of it being full of exposition and unnecessary, but what do we expect?

If you’re a fan of the series and you’ve been away for awhile or you’re just getting into Friday the 13th thanks to the Platinum Dunes remake, do yourself a favor and check out Part VI. It’s the perfect mixture of camp, kills, and that “classic” Jason – that’s actually more like new Jason, at the time. Not a perfect film, but a fun as hell one.

Coroner’s Report: Stan Helsing

Robert Fure — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:00:16 +0000

There are probably a lot of reasons why Stan Helsing shouldn’t appear in the Coroner’s Report. I mean, it’s not scary and no one dies. It’s a straight up comedy. No, worse than that, it’s a parody. A spoof. We all know how well those generally end up being. But, like most true addicted horror fans, I’ll take just about anything that promises to cater to my tastes. Horror jokes, monster parodies, and some boob shots. Stan Helsing gives us most of that and manages to be “surprisingly not terrible.” Now, the movie is not good by any means, but I think it’s watchable, unlike my fellow Rob Hunter. I must admit, some parts are down right terrible and awful and angering. But for some reason, I kind of enjoyed it.

Stan Helsing followers out titular slacker video store employee, Stan Van Helsing, obviously in the lineage of the greatest of monster hunters. After stumbling into a haunted town with his sometimes-girlfriend, best friend, and slutty friend, he must of course embrace his history, fight off his slacker nature, and kick some monster ass to rescue the town. Sort of.

Kills

I’m pretty sure we only see one person die in the film, though 12 mentally handicapped people are killed off screen and we see their bodies. This is one of the biggest failings of the film – there should have been dozens of over the top kills, rather than virtually nothing.

Ills

While it’s not explicitly stated and quite possibly unintentional, when we first meet Chucky he raises his head from a child’s lap then feigns a blowjob at Stan. It’s played to make it look like he’s just insulting Stan, but it 100% feels like Chucky, a sort of midget man doll hybrid, just gave a 9 year old a blowjob. The wigger-Freddy wipes his ass with his blade hand and screams. This scene is strange, because in every other scene Freddy has that stupid Swiss-Army hand, however in the bathroom, it’s the standard knife glove. We some burned up corpses and scarred bodies, but nothing here is going to make you uncomfortable.

Lust

There is a hot lesbian kiss, some sexy Lingerie wearing stripper vampires that show off some g-string ass, some side boob, and a brief boob shot. Diora Bard is dressed like Pocahontas, with her midriff exposed the entire time. She is obviously very hot. I wrote “Pistol in Pussy” in my notes but honestly right now I can’t remember this at all. I can guarantee you it wasn’t very sexy or anything and was most likely some sort of sound effect gag where Stan accidentally bumps into hottie Mia. In fact, now I’m pretty sure that’s what happened. Anywho, Mia (Desi Lydic) is hot the whole time and grabs Diora’s boob. There is also a gay monster porn shoot involved. The real deal here is this, Desi Lydic is hot as hell. She changes outfits several times and they’re all hot. At the end, she gives a lapdance to Teddy that is both hot and funny. The only downside is the cuts to Keenan Thompson. Lame sauce. In the credits, she apologies to her mother for the things she does in this movie. But I’d like to take a moment to write Desi a letter, right here and now. Dear Desi Lydic, I fucking love you. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I want to get you alone and then learn all about you and meet your parents. Whaaaat?

Learning

This movie teaches you nothing, other than modern spoof movies rarely work but can make you giggle from time to time.

Review

Just in case you didn’t know, when Stan Helsing starts it informs you that it’s “A Parody.” No shit, Sherlock. I know I started off saying this movie isn’t terrible, but the things I’m going to say are going to make it seem terrible. Parts of the movie are atrocious and I know why I kind of liked it, but I did. Probably because I fell in love during it. Or at least popped a boner. The film starts off battling its own duality of sucking vs being kind of funny. In a reference to old giant bug movies, Stan has to kill a roach in the bathroom that is like 6 feet tall and taking a shit which is actually amusing, though it’s quickly followed by severely outdated jokes like returning The Ring at “Schlockbuster” and black people yelling at movies. Can we talk about “Schlockbuster” a second, because really, that is the parasite killing parody movies. They think the modern definition of “parody” is “making up a rhyming name.” So you get these fucking stupid things like Schlockbuster or Wal-Fart or McRonald’s. This is an article (boiling point?) for another time, but seriously stop fucking rhyming. Or I’ll fucking kill you.

The driving sequences are pretty terrible, with weak composition work and lame acting. I’d also like to point out that they try a politically correct joke in that one character is dressed as an Indian, which they state the correct term as being “Native American.” Actually, the preferred term is “American Indian.” Now you know. Anyway, my biggest gripe with the movie is the lack of monsters. They’re barely in the film and they’re unfunny in design. Pinhead has darts in his head and Leatherface wears a handbag and carries a leafblower. Pretty stupid. Freddy is kind of funny. At the end, the only way to defeat them is to first win a karaoke contest and then masturbate a super-soaker into Jason’s face. It’s actually kind of funny.

Like most modern parodies, the film throws in random ass jokes that make no sense. Barack Obama shows up at the karaoke contest. What the fuck? Michael Jackson hands out penis pops to kids. Which admittedly,I appreciate that they didn’t remove that.

The best part (aside from Desi Lydic) is Leslie Nielsen. He’s barely in it, and he plays a woman, but come on, it’s Leslie Nielsen. The worst part, I’d say, is that after watching the deleted scenes, there was a better movie that could have been released. They cut out like 4 minutes of boobs – boobs make things like this better. They also cut out a scene where Chucky is gang-raped in a ballpit. That is the kind of stuff a movie like this should be going for. A real horror parody should really go for it, kill a ton of people, show a lot of tit, and just really go off the wall. Instead, this is any other parody movie just dressed in a Halloween costume.

After all this negativity, you’re wondering “How in the fuck did this idiot like this movie?” The answer is I don’t know. I watched it. There were lame parts. There were a few laughs. Overall it was very light and after three shots it was kind of enjoyable. Most of you will probably hate this, but if you’re a horror fan you’re going to watch it anyways. While it’s mostly a disappointment, it’s slightly better than you’ll expect and you will laugh a few times.

Coroner’s Report: The Thaw

Robert Fure — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 22:58:12 +0000

Part of the Ghosthouse Underground series, Thaw is another entry in the burgeoning Global Warming Terror category which features Val Kilmer in a small role as a professor-slash-possible eco-terrorist. You know, the whole the Earth is way more important than people argument. I love the Earth and nature as much as the next guy, but unless it involves killer animals, eco-horror generally isn’t my thing.

Thaw kicks off when Kilmer and his team discover a thawing mastodon during their research project. Unleashed from the brain of the animal come small “vertebrate” bug like creatures come out and start laying down their infection game on the scientists. This might not be all that bad, if not for a group of students (including Kilmer’s daughter) show up to learn from the climate master. Unsurprisingly, the bugs start spreading death and disease among them and they turn on each other.

Kills

At the end of the day, 8 people have died, some from the effects of the disease, some form gunshots, and others from a crashing helicopter.

Ills

We see some dead animals, there are a few gunshots, including one to the head, a dead body and some gross bodily fluids. One guy pisses blood and remarks later that he’s going to die with “bugs in my dick.” An arm is chopped off, a side effect is diarrhea, and the bug bites create gross sores and infections.

Lust

There is a sex scene that isn’t amazing and focuses mainly on the dude’s back. We also see a girl take off some clothes, but it is nothing to be excited about.

Learning

The film wants to tell you that global warming is bad and that eventually we’ll hurt the Earth so bad we’re killed. Mostly though it teaches me that anyone who is way into the environment is generally a douchebag.

Review

This year’s Ghosthouse Underground titles are a bit better than last years and The Thaw manages to be a pretty decent time. Cigarette Smoking Man makes a brief cameo in between preachy douches tell you about how horrible we are. The film looks amazing, though this is mostly because of the beautiful British Columbia landscape captured in beautiful high definition.

The movie tries hard to teach you something but it comes off as that idiot kid in the back of your economics class who isn’t quite sure what Free Trade is. The characters stress that the bugs are not bugs, but are in fact vertebrates making them “like us.” The problem here is that there are literally millions of vertebrates in the world that are exactly nothing like us. You see, vertebrates have spinal columns. That’s it, basically. Sharks, mice, apes, lizards, and a ton of other stuff. So no, these bug-like creatures are not like us anymore than an armadillo or a turtle is. In fact, they are probably less like us than most creatures, like chimpanzees and pigs, because they’ve been removed from the evolutionary gene-pool and essentially frozen in time.

The story devolves into mostly a “we’re stuck in this place surrounded by these things” type of deal with some inner strife. Think The Thing if the Thing was a bunch of tiny bugs that were easily contained in a room by using duct tape. All of this said, when you ignore the preachy stuff, it’s a movie that is easily watchable, though not too memorable. Val Kilmer is good in his limited time – the guy can do pretty much anything if he wants to and here he puts in enough effort to be the best part of the film, though I’m an open Val Kilmer fan. At the end of the day, The Thaw aims to teach you a lesson that’s not worth learning, but as a movie, it’s strictly average.

Blu-ray

As I mentioned, the film looks amazing. The picture quality is astounding. The exterior British Columbia setting reminds you why documentarians and nature photographers are often the first to adopt high definition set-up. It is exhilarating. The perfect is absolutely perfect when outdoors and overall it’s a great looking visual experience. Sound wise, there isn’t a ton going on that they can pump through the speakers, but it is digital and crystal clear with crisp response. There are a few extras, mostly a making-of that is pretty light and not worth checking out.

On the Living Side: Great landscape with good picture presentation, at least on my set-up. I’ve read some people had trouble with artifacting, but my experience was good.

On the Dead Side: Lame political story with predictable turns and conclusions.

On the Side: The working title of the film was “Bed Bugs.”

Coroner’s Report: Hardware Blu-ray

Robert Fure — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:30:51 +0000

Now on DVD and Blu-ray comes the “Terminator for the 90s,” the cult classic film Hardware. A mix of science fiction and horror, the film takes place in a Post-apocalyptic world that has seen nuclear devastation turn much of it into a radioactive wasteland. Scavengers hunt through cities and deserts, searching for scrap metal and other things to sell off. In the midst of this, traveling soldier Moses Baxter comes across a fellow scavenger who has found bits of a strange robot, pieces that he purchases for his artist girlfriend to use in a sculpture. What he doesn’t know, however, is that these pieces belong to a killer military robot, the MARK 13, a spider-like killer filled to the gyroscopes with ways to kill you. Soon, the robot reactivates itself and beings repairs, arming itself with a drill, a saw blade, and reactivating its poison filled hypodermic fangs. Obviously once this happens, the MARK 13 decides it’s time to do what it does best – kill everyone.

Kills

The film definitely starts pretty slow and only kills like one person in the first hour, but the last twenty minutes or so see the film really kick it up and violently kill at least four more people, bringing the total deaths to about 5.

Ills

One kill is off-screen, but the others are fully visible and pretty freaking sweet. There is a gunshot to the head and an automated door cuts a guy in half, creating a blood geyser. The robot then starts cutting up one of the dead bodies just to prove it’s a big dickhead. The best kill, however, is when the robot uses basically every single weapon it has on one person. First, it stabs its poison fangs into the guy (which would have been fatal), then it immediately stabs its hands into the guys eyes while simultaneously sticking a drill arm through his guts, pushing it out his back. If that weren’t enough, the sadistic machine then starts bashing his head in. Awesome.

Lust

We get an alright sex scene that features some boob glances, but nothing insane. Dylan McDermott exposes his torso. During the sex scene, and later, there is some pretty aggressive dirty talk from a pervy fat guy.

Learning

You should avoid military grade robots at all costs because even if they seem like they’re deactivated, they’re probably going to reactivate and kill you.

Review

Hardware has a problem getting started. The movie is far too boring for far too long. It just seems to drag. You know there is this killer robot just waiting to kill everyone, but it’s not doing anything. It’s just there. In pieces. Even after it builds itself, it takes a moment before it gets awesome. However, once the robot does start the killing, the movie is pretty cool. The shortcomings are probably budget related though, as indicated by director Richard Stanely on the special features. Initially, the robot was going to be able to climb walls and be much more intimidating and agile, but there wasn’t enough money for that. The film, made in 1990, is stuck in that time period between 80s weirdness and 90s new-wave, which means there is plenty of slow-motion, lots of crazy colors, trippy lights, and random images. The climax almost plays out in an operatic fashion. We also see a lot of robovision, which is kind of like the Predator infared.

I’d like to share one note, word for word from my notebook with you: Cool Robot. When this robot wants to kill you it fucking kills you. It’s true. The MARK 13 is awesome. The design is pretty badass and the thing is brutal as hell. Plus, it has some sadistic personality. It seems to taunt victims, mess with them, plays mind games, and definitely loves killing people to all kinds of levels of dead. Unfortunately, the movie does have about an hour of stuff to weed through before you get there, then the ending is both exciting and strange. If you’re into post-apocalyptic horror or trippy sci-fi, this movie will probably have enough to keep you interested in it.

In the end, this is a tough call for me. I see all the potential within it and it definitely had some great moments, but there were times when I was sitting there just wondering when it would get going. The movie is probably worth seeing for the last 20 minutes alone, which is some Grade-A trippy robot killing rampage awesome shit.

Blu-ray

The Blu-ray is well put together with plenty of extras. There is an audio commentary with director Richard Stanley, who has lots of interesting stuff to say. You also get to see two Richard Stanley shorts, in addition to the early Super 8 version of of what would become Hardware. There is also a documentary on the film, deleted, extended, and behind-the-scenes footage, and a little featurette with Richard Stanely talking about Hardware 2, a movie I would love to see happen. I’d definitely like to see either a sequel or a reboot that really focused on the robot and showed it a ton more. There is something to this movie, even if it was pretty boring at times.

The picture looks good, though because the movie has a lot of darkness in it the high-definition shows a lot of grain in some scenes. This is the best version of the film you’re ever going to see though, so Blu-ray is the way to go. The audio is off the hook though, with great sound effects and a pretty rocking score. Definitely a movie experience when you’re blasting this thing loud and there are trippy colors everywhere and the robot is all up in your face. This is definitely a good Blu-ray release and if you’re interested in this movie, I say go for it on Blu.

On the Living Side: Definitely a really cool robot with an awesome climax.

On the Dead Side: The film takes too long to get going, though this is probably because it tries to fit a lot of stuff into a 90 minute package. I’ve been overly hard on the film calling it boring – it is interesting what they’re trying to do, but it needed to be faster paced.

On the Other Side: The rights to the sequel are still in limbo, though Stanely says it would have focused on the role of the MARK 13, which was going to be border and city patrol. Sweet.

31 Days of Horror: The Hills Run Red

Robert Fure — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 18:15:48 +0000

The Hills Run Red

Marketing plays a fun part in horror movies. I’m sure most everyone has seen some variation of the “Too Scary for Theaters” logo or something along those lines, then watched the movie and thought “more like too not good for theaters” in broken English and all. Sometimes this is the idea of the team behind the movie, other times its a ploy from a publicity company, or who knows what. With The Hills Run Red, came with a sticker that reads: Contains Graphic Violence, Sexual Content and Nudity; Not Suitable For Minors. It’s also written in a red font, so you know it’s serious. Is this a real warning from releasing company Warner Premiere? I’d say that’s hard to believe after seeing the film. Don’t get me wrong, as you’ll see the film does have some good violence and overall I’m positive about the movie and heck, I’m recommending you see it this Halloween season. But deserving of a special warning, in addition to its R-Rating? Well, judge for yourself.

The Hills Run Red follows, what else, a group of young adults who head off into a secluded, wooded area that they probably shouldn’t head off into. In this case, the team is lead by Tyler, a pretentious film nerd who is hunting for a film that’s been lost for 20 years, said to be too horrifying to show again, a film called “The Hills Run Red.” Along for the ride is his semi-whore girlfriend Serina, his semi-douchebag best friend Lalo, and stripper-whore daughter of the infamous director Alexa. Tyler is intent on making a documentary about his trip to find the film and, rather quickly, going into the woods seems like a bad idea.

Kills

It’s hard to get a firm count on the number of people we see killed. Some kills that are part of the movie-within-a-movie are shown more than once and some of those aren’t shown fully. I feel pretty confident stating you see at least 7 people get killed, though there may be a few more that were slipped in there and evaded my count.

Ills

In a pretty awesome opening, a young kid cuts off his own face, disfigures himself, and puts on the doll mask that makes him BabyFace. We see some cured bodies (smoked, salted, yum!), a slashed throat, then a pick axe to the head, back, and then an arm is broken. There is a shooting, we see some corpses, a body is ripped in half, someone is slashed a bunch with a razor. There is some torture, stabbings, plenty of blood, a whole barrel full of awful, fingers cut off, a hammer smashing a head, a shovel beating, and someone gets speared through. A good amount of violence here, though the sticker is still either marketing or overkill. One scene included CGI blood and effects.

Lust

We see a strip club plenty full of tits, some thong ass, and then some more boobs. Later we see Sophie Monk’s boobs (a couple of times), we see Tyler’s girlfriends boobs, we see some sex. All in all, there are plenty of boobs in this film. Also, a touch of incest to make you feel warm inside.

Learning

Don’t go into the strange, foreign woods searching for whackos.

Review

I had heard and read a lot about The Hills Run Red before finally catching up to it, so I must say that I had high expectations. Talk of excessive gore, tons of boobies, and a generally awesome time that was agreeably self-aware. I can see where the talk comes from, but to be honest, I was expecting to be absolutely blown away by gore and kills and I wasn’t. It’s on the same level as some good gore, but it’s not groundbreaking. I’d say a Saw or a Hostel probably has more gore and something like The Children has more effective gore. But that said, it was still fun. There were some good kills and some humorous moments that were self-aware.

BabyFace is a pretty badass killer to boot. He’s got a completely messed up face and looks totally gross. There is a bit with him towards the end that I absolutely loved – it comes out of nowhere and is unexpected and awesome. I really wish they have done more with it. I don’t want to ruin for it anyone, but so people know what I’m talking about I’ll post it below in black text so that if you highlight it, it will show up on your screen. If you want to be taken by surprise, just skip over and keep reading.

Spoiler: At one point, Serina is singing a lullaby to BabyFace, trying to get him to let her go. BabyFace leans into her and then whispers, in a normal, educated voice “You can keep singing if it makes you feel better.” Brilliant. He’s not some slow, mongoloid redneck, which makes him so much scarier. He’s acting the entire time, and that makes him disturbing. I love this idea. Spoiler Over.

If I had a complaint (other than not living up to standards that were too high, which is no fault of the film, but rather the perception around it, which is an article for another day) it would be about the climax of the film. The very last little bit. It feels like it just ends. You’re waiting for this showdown, this little bit of something where we get a powerful ending one way or the other. But we just don’t. If you’re begging for a second complaint, sure – there is a twist in the film that’s pretty obvious. You could probably guess it without seeing the movie.

If it sounds like I’m being hard on the film, its because of love. I wanted to love this film instead of merely liking it. The premise is alright, though I’m not often sold on “movies within movies.” I’d like to see two things come of this – a prequel that is actually the original cut of “The Hills Run Red” that we see glimpses of in the movie, and a sequel that really expands on BabyFace. He’s a different kind of killer. He can be a classic, no doubt. Definitely the best part of the film. Oh, and I’d also like to see the Uncut version of the film – rumors suggest there may be as much as 10 minutes of footage missing. If there was just a bit more gore in this film, I’d probably achieve a boner. Even with the flaws I mentioned, the film is definitely still worth checking out.

31 Days of Horror: Amusement

Robert Fure — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 20:09:21 +0000

Hello hello, the Coroner here with another installment of the Report, this time focusing on the direct to DVD and Blu-ray Amusement. The film is writer Jake Wade Wall’s first foray into something original, he previously penned the remakes of The Hitcher and the atrocious When a Stranger Calls. Working with his own material, Wall does a decently good job, though with obvious flaws. Director John Simpson is similarly inexperienced, but manages to craft a pretty good movie with one section that is absolutely awesome.

This little film came out a good while ago and I’ve been meaning to catch up with it for months now. The cover is a spooky clown and it stars a couple of women, I mean how bad can it be? The story is broken up into basically three sections. The first serves as an introduction to our killer as he does what he does best – look kind of nerdy. Fourth or fifth on the list of things he does best is kill people, so he does that too. Then we follow Tabitha (Kathryn Winnick from Satan’s Little Helper) as her babysitting job goes horribly awry. Thrown into the mix are two of Tabitha’s childhood friends, who are also having a pretty rough time of it.

Kills

I counted seven kills in the flick and there are 3 more than probably happened, though they’re off-screen and we never see or hear anything from them again. So yeah, probably dead.

Ills

One of the first people to go down loses an out-of-nowhere, awesome Person versus Truck fight. We get a sledgehammer to the head, a tortured animatronic squirrel, and a spike is shot into some guy’s eye. There are what appear to be some tortured and cut up humans, a gut stab, a long fall to a hard surface, and someone getting stabbed IN THE FACE! (Read that as if I’m yelling it at you).

Lust

There are some cute girls in this. Kathryn Winnick is a total hottie. In one scene she starts taking off her clothes. Oh yeah. She pulls off that shirt. Mm… Revealing… Wait for it… Oh yeah another shirt. A tank top, but still. A shirt. Whatever she keeps going, starts sliding down them pants. Awww hells yeah, what’s she working with? A pair of shorts. Not underwear. Not boxer or boy shorts. A pair or short girl shorts. Kind of short. But still. She could walk out side in this outfit and no one would look twice. Okay, well I would. But basically she took off all her clothes revealing an entire other set of clothes.

Learning

You know that weird, fucked up kid in school who everyone thinks will grow up to be a serial killer? He will.

Review

This is kind of a tough one. Amusement is definitely a mixed bag, with some good, some bad, and even a pinch of great. If you’re coming into this looking for the clown face to be the next slasher killer, you’re going to leave disappointed. The mask only plays a small role in the film, but it’s without a doubt the best part. Technically speaking, the film on Blu-ray looks absolutely fantastic. The picture is sharp and crisp and well lit, allowing us to see everything we need to even when it’s very dark. Much bigger budget films could learn from that trick.

Winnick wearing a lot of clothes.

The plot is somewhat disjointed as we first follow Tabitha, then Shelby for a few minutes and then Lisa looking for Shelby. Then the final section is them together, but with a run time of under 85 minutes, the film doesn’t devote enough time to anyone. I’d say my biggest problem was the way in which the plot was presented and the time. Normally I’m all for short, but this is underkill. The resolution happens very fast. The last two kills are quick and anti-climactic after the buildup. Then you’re sitting there thinking “It can’t be over,” and you don’t want it to be. You wanted more from it. Frankly, the way it goes is okay, but I think sticking with the clown face and making a more traditional slasher would have worked better for me. Acting wise, all of the main cast are pretty good, though “The Laugh” (the killer) is played well over the top.

However, the movie has a saving grace, other than Kathryn Winnick being a total babe. It’s a scene where she is babysitting two children at a relative’s house. The guest bedroom is full of clown decorations, including one gigantic, life-sized clown with an accordion. Needless to say Tabitha is a bit freaked out. It doesn’t help that there is a storm going on outside, the children are behaving strangely, and the original babysitter ditched out early. As you suspect, the life-sized clown is none other than our killer, and the scene is played very tense. It’s spooky and scary and amazingly well-crafted. It’s on par with the opening scene of When a Stranger Calls, which is one of the most tense scenes I’ve ever seen. This section of the film is great, which is why I had such high hopes for the rest of it. Not only does the film not live up to those hopes in the end, but it moves completely away from that kind of tension. There is no slow stalk, no true mind game. Sure, there is a bit of a practical joke involved (the title is Amusement, after all) but it’s a completely different kind of mind game.

At the end of the day, Amusement is good but not great, which is a shame because it most definitely could have been great. I say check it out if for nothing more than the amazing picture clarity on Blu-ray (it really looks fantastic) and the clown scene, which I could watch again right now.

31 Days of Horror: Offspring

Robert Fure — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:39:23 +0000

Today I’ll be merging a Coroner’s Report into a 31 Days of Horror to kill two children with one large rock. Now, some may not like Jack Ketchum’s Offspring (this movie, not the book of the same name), but I found it oddly appealing and totally surprising. Perhaps my enjoyment was tied to the fact that I expected nothing from this Ghosthouse Underground title and got a pound and a half of gore and 248lbs of dead kids. Offspring revolves around a small North Eastern town where a roving band of cannibals, descendants of a family gone missing a century before, have found the taste of human flesh to be quite appealing. They’re also enamored with the idea of stealing babies, because the baby the have is cursed – and you know how it is dealing with a cursed baby. The cannibals kill many and kidnap some while retired detective George Peters returns to action to kill some kids get justice.

Kills

I tallied up around 15 kills for this movie, a very respectable body count that includes infants, small children, teens, and old people. No age discrimination here!

Ills

There is plenty of killing to go round which means plenty of blood to come out. There is a chopped up body, a hatchet to the head, a dead body stuffed in a bag, someone gets scalped, there is some self-flagellation (and later team flagellation!). There are bites, one of which results in a geyser of blood, someone is cut then has their intestines pulled out and bodies are mutilated. A guy gets stabbed in the eye, then in the head, a few kids get shot in the face, a kid gets his face shoved in a fire, a baby is tossed across a cave. And perhaps the illest of them all, an evil baby breast feeds evilly. I’m not kidding. This is the cursed kid and it breast feeds and apparently this is really, really painfully because the woman just loses her shit.

Lust

There is a girl, who at the time of filming was of age (I checked), but she looks young so it’s kind of disturbing in a Chris Hansen “why don’t you have a seat” kind of way. She shows full frontal and later gives a gross guy a handjob, then mounts and rapes him. There is a hot chick in the film and she exposes her breasts and her ass – only downside is it’s in the middle of being raped. So…

Learning

Never hesitate to kill a kid. Also, keep a gun in your house, especially if you live in the woods. Blammo.

Review

The movie starts off with some very long, very boring credits. The first thing you notice is the visual style of the film, which very effectively channels the 70s film aesthetic. It seems to nail the style more than Rob Zombie’s attempts (and he’s good at it), though perhaps due to the low budget they were forced to used some machinery right out of the 70s.

Speaking of budget, it is readily apparent there wasn’t a ton of money thrown at this. There are no real name actors, though many of them have worked before and you might even recognize one. The acting can be stale and even laughable at times, but to me that was part of the charm. This felt like a real film, lost for 30 years, that you just found in a bin at the video store. Several movies have tried this and failed, like The Wild Man of the Navidad. It’s hard to channel a time period and nail it, but for me at least, this movie felt like it was pulled out of a time capsule, so I was able to overlook and even enjoy the camp, the odd plot, and the acting. I call the plot odd because it’s not something you’re apt to find anywhere out of a Jack Ketchum novel. Or maybe a 70s flick. What it boils down to is the film has balls. It does what other films won’t. You’ll have trouble picking out a main character, because when you think you find one, they’re soon killed – violently. That takes balls. So does killing kids – lots of kids, in violent ways. Sometimes, it’s a full out battle, like when two 9 year olds battle to the death. Other times, it’s anti-climactic in a very real way. A half-naked girl threatening a man with a gun is going to get shot and killed.

When your life is on the line, there is nothing that will stop you from putting a gun to kid’s head and pulling the trigger, slamming a teen into a fire or tossing an infant across the room. Still, with all this violence, the movie is rarely disturbing or scary. You want to laugh sometimes, like when the Lost Boys crawl in through you window and threaten your wife. It’s a funny thing to see a bunch of small children, dressed like Little Indians from a grade school Thanksgiving play, brandish knives and growl at you. It’s even funny then when they try to kill you. Though you might stop laughing about the time they pull your guts out and stomp on them. Offspring is not a great movie, but it does nail the 70s exploitation vibe. I found it easy to ignore the films flaws and just bask in the celebration of taboo violence. I think this is one Ghosthouse Underground title you should give a shot, though clearly its subject matter isn’t for everyone and not all who watch it can forgive its flaws.

Coroner’s Report: Staunton Hill

Robert Fure — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 16:46:57 +0000

If you’re of the mind to believe George Romero, Staunton Hill is about as scary a movie as you’re apt to find. Then again, I suppose any father would provide a blurb to their son’s DVD case trying to convince you to buy it. Except for me. When I have a kid and he makes a bad movie, he can have a quote, which I will borrow from Jay Sherman: It stinks!

Staunton Hill is directed by Cameron Romero, son of George, and it takes the tried and true Texas Chainsaw Massacre formula, takes out the scares, the frightening villain, the brutality, and pretty much anything else that makes it good or interesting. Now, this film isn’t gouge your eyes out terrible, no, but it is fall asleep on the couch boring. Which is unfortunate because if you do, you’ll miss one good gore scene. But then you could go back to sleep. Any nuts, the basic plot is a bunch of young adults on their way to a Civil Rights rally in 1969 team up with a kindly stranger, who of course leads them to a backwoods family who work with an underground doctor to harvest body parts. We’ll get to that in the review.

Kills

Somewhere between four and six people are killed. There are four definite kills, one implied kill, and one probable kill off-screen.

Ills

There is a decent amount of blood in the film. One guy gets hit in the face with a shovel.* There is a broken nose, a few hammers to the head, a leg blown off, a body fed to bigs, someone gets scalped, a person gets staked in the shoulder, someone is electrocuted, and in the best gore scene someone is cut to bleed out, then chopped up and skinned. *- Everyone keeps saying he got hit in the face with a shovel, but in the scene IMMEDIATELY before he is hit, the striker is carrying a big hammer, pounding in a fence post. It’s like “Look that guy has a big hammer” SLAM “Oh I got hit in the face with a shovel.” WTF?

Lust

There are two hot girls in the film – Paula Rhodes as the cute blonde and Cristen Coppen as the athletic and super sexy Jordan. We see some bra action and some panty action, but they’re closer to the granny variety than they are the sexy variety. Also, the large mentally challenged fellow masturbates.

Learning

Backwoods strangers are never up to any good. Creepy slaughter/farm houses are always used to dismember lost young people.

Review

I want to say “Like father, like son” somehow in this review, but George Romero made a couple of good films and this one doesn’t measure up. Like father, Cameron chooses a script that has a civil rights theme, presumably to make some sort of statement, though that doesn’t happen. Right away the black guy (Boone) is called a derogatory term by a local, then backs away only to start talking tough about Black Panthers a few minutes later. Boone comes off as a completely annoying character, the kind of guy you want to pop in the mouth sometimes, so there is no sympathy for him later. Also, the people who actually (spoiler you knew was coming) kill him, aren’t racist at all and treat him with as much respect as any of the others. But back to his annoying habits – his character switches from this laid back guy to this ultra-activist randomly. For example, he has no problem sitting down to breakfast on the farm and eating what looks to be an assortment of five kinds of meat with nothing else. Later, he comments that if “this really is a slaughterhouse” he’s going to have to get angry on someone for how they treat animals. So how does he get all animal-activists and their treatment when he just finished eating 4 different kinds of animals for breakfast? I’m not certain why the activist-race theme was added to the film if they weren’t going to make any sort of statement other than “this one activist is pretty much bipolar.”

Boone isn’t the only irritating character though. Quintin, the friendly stranger who gives them a ride, is also written very inconsistently. When we first meet him, he’s the kindest guy in the entire world, paying their bill ($4 in 1969 is roughly $25 today) and being a nice guy. Then, he calls the mentally challenged fellow a retard over and over again and switches from hot to cold at random. This may be an attempt to make the character seem torn or divided, but it comes across as strange, random writing.

A few things I had a problem with – first, when the group breaks down the first time, they look at the engine and declare it shot, despite the fact that we’re told it has a habit of breaking down and being fixed. Or friend Boone establishes himself as the car expert, of course, so it comes as no surprise later when the truck was easily returned to working order. That last bit aside, the group then set their sites on a fixing a busted down truck that “hasn’t run in 10 years.” So they can’t temporarily patch a radiator, but they expect to return a busted down car to perfect working order? Second thing – the whole medical angle. The entire premise is based on these backyard hillbillies harvesting skin and body parts to be used to repair other people. There are a half dozen things wrong with this. Number one, when you’ve got a big dumb idiot cutting the bodies up, you’re probably not going to get surgical precision. He’s just hacking off limbs wherever he feels like it. Second, none of the equipment is sterilized, which will lead to infection. Third, the operating room is just a dirty ass barn, again leading to infection. Fourth, they’re picking random strangers which presents tons of problems, like wrong blood type, organ incompatibility, wrong sex, wrong skin color, and any diseases which they may have. I could keep going, but by now you get it.

In the end, Staunton Hill is just a cheap, lackluster Texas Chainsaw Massacre ripoff. Creepy barn? Creepy family? Head of household in wheelchair? Big, lumbering mentally challenged killer prone to cutting up bodies? I mean, what else can you steal from it? I’m trashing this movie hard now, even though when it was initially over I just felt bored, bored, bored. Thinking about it more, I’m angered by this movie, it’s inconsistencies, and it’s lack of originality. Skip it.

On the Live Side: Cristen Coppen and Paula Rhodes are hot.

On the Dead Side: Unoriginal movie that is mostly boring. Also, in the dead of night the inside of the barn is bright as day. Ugh.

On the Other Side: George Romero is quoted on the DVD box saying this movie is scary, making him a liar.

Coroner’s Report: Fear Itself

Robert Fure — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 23:18:07 +0000

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And bad made for TV horror. ~ The Coroner

With an introduction like that you’re probably thinking that Fear Itself is bad made for TV horror, but that’s only partially true. Like other horror anthologies (Masters of Horror, Hunger) you’re going to get plenty of mediocre with a few doses of pretty good and this series is no different. It was created by Mick Garris, who also made Masters of Horror for Showtime Networks. Fear Itself was intended to have 13 episodes, though after the season was interrupted by the Beijing Olympics, NBC decided not to air the last 5 episodes and later announced they were cancelling the series. The deck was probably stacked against them from the start, with horror on TV not very prevalent right now and a series that was more like 13 mini-movies, each with their own cast, production crew, and locations, rather than an on-going series.

You can now own the entire series presented on four double-sided DVDs in a pretty cool tombstone hugging skeleton collectors … cover? It’s not quite a box. So we’ll call it a cover. But either way it’s pretty nifty. Though the skeleton isn’t exactly hugging the tombstone either. He’s kind of leaning against it. Whatever, it’s still cool! I would have preferred single-sided discs to reduce the change of smudging or scratching something important, but this cost saving measure keeps the entire series priced right around $24, which ain’t too shabby.

In terms of the KILLeR report, each episode is pretty different, but I’ll give sort of a general overview of what you can expect.

Kills

Each episode can include anything from zero to three or so kills. Rarely will you get much past four kills in the series.

Ills

Since it was made for NBC broadcast, there aren’t too many instances of gross gore, but there is some blood, the occasional monstrous act, or something creepy.

Lust

Again, made for TV. Some cute ladies here and there, but you’ll have no trouble keeping it in your pants.

Learning

A whole smattering of the usual lessons about not trusting strangers, rich white women, or people who disappear for weeks and then come home not quite right.

Review

The episodes are all well produced and well acted. This is a well refined series where the weak spots are generally not practical or actors or anything, but just pretty lame stories. My favorite episode of the entire series was definitely Skin & Bones, which was about a man possessed by a Wendigo after disappearing into the freezing wilderness for entirely too long. When he comes back, possessed, he’s got that murderous hunger inside of him. The lead character is played by Doug Jones, who for once isn’t covered in tons of prosthetics, and he does a great job and definitely brings the creepy. The biggest let down in the series for me was Darren Bousman’s New Year’s Day, which had a great concept (zombies!), a cool writer (Steve Niles) and starred Briana Evigan (hotness!) but was pretty boring for much of it. It does have a pretty unique twist at the end that is interesting and worth watching. Saying it was a let down doesn’t mean it’s a bad episode either, it just means that when I heard about it I was totally excited but ended up not loving it. It is perhaps the best episode to get a handle on the entire season – something you’re very excited about that is less-than-stellar because the whole time they’re prepping you for the twist! ending, rather than telling a straight up story.

All in all, this is a pretty good series and a great value for the entire series on DVD. I’d say rent it, but watching like 10 hours of stuff that’s rented takes forever, so for the low price I suggest just buying it and watching it at your leisure.

On the Live Side: A handful of really strong episodes and a great theme song from Serj Tankian.

On the Dead Side: Not all of the episodes are great and a few might even put you to bed.

On the Other Side: The episode In Sickness and In Health features James Roday (hilarious!) and Maggie Lawson (hot!) aka, Spencer and Detective O’Hara from Psych!

Coroner’s Report: Red Velvet

Robert Fure — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 15:42:16 +0000

Long time no see kids. My bad. We’re getting ready to kick off 31 Days of Horror again this year, obviously starting on October 1st. I’m going to use that as my excuse for taking some time away from the column, rather than just admitting I’m lazy. This week we’re talking Red Velvet, which has very little to do with the delicious, buttery cake and more to do with quasi-experimental horror. This flick stars Henry Thomas, whose name you probably can’t place – he was Elliot in E.T. and is about a weirdo named Aaron who is telling the made up macabre story about how Linda’s friends were all killed by a pscyho murderer. But since this is a horror movie, you’re probably wondering just how made up that story is.

Kills

We’ll say that there are nine deaths in the film, though with the story telling aspect of it, we see some people die more than once as the story is retold. Not a ton of deaths, but a good few.

Ills

Someone is smothered, a head gets cut off, some fingers get cut off, there are some stabbings, an alligator used as a murder weapon (no joke), some blood and a hatchet to the head. The two best gore moments are a saw that tears a body in half, releasing a geyser of blood and a hammer used to pound out Rush’s greatest hits on someones skull. Ok, so there is no melody to it, just lots and lots of face smashing.

Lust

We see some butts, from both dudes and chicks, a pair of boobs and if you’re into that kind of thing, a guy going down on another guy – though you don’t see anything more than the head-bob.

Learning

Weirdos who seem like serial killers are obviously serial killers. Every single time.

Review

This flick, which is available only through Amazon.com, starts things off with an absolutely atrocious menu, but hey, they can’t all be works of art. The movie is a bit on the experimental side, with the retelling of the narrative over and over at some parts, which will either work for you or annoy you. Parts of the story are interrupted with the masked head of the killer spinning around over a psychedelic background, sort of like some old tripped out cartoon. Personally, that doesn’t do it for me. There are also some strange lighting choices – it looks good, it just seems a bit out of place.

Some of the acting is stale and there is a bit where someone throws a hammer that looks more like a friendly game of catch than an assault. The ending is predictable and will surprise exactly no one. Most of the time the movie is fairly average, though there are definite moments of absolute shit, punctuated with the rare moments of greatness.

If you’re a fan of experimental horror and are looking for a narrative expressed in a different way, then Red Velvet may have enough going on to keep you interested. For the average horror fan and myself, this movie is that is better left alone. I can appreciate the filmmakers taking a risk and trying something new, but ultimately they give us a weird mish-mash of low budget effects and costuming coupled with a strange narrative that doesn’t completely work for me.

Coroner’s Report: The Wild Man of the Navidad

Robert Fure — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 13:46:49 +0000

A little while back I got an email and in that email there was a picture. That picture was the DVD cover of a flick with the alluring title of The Wild Man of the Navidad. The picture, which you have no doubt seen

floating over there to the right, featured a bear of a tusked man looming large and menacing. I didn’t even need to read the synopsis enclosed to know that I wanted a copy of that and I wanted it now. But life doesn’t work that way, so while I waited for the mail I searched the internet for more information on this mysterious movie. It had screened at a few film festivals and there were several reviews up, the vast majority of them being very positive. I grew excited. Fast Forward Selector!

The Wild Man of the Navidad is ‘based’ on the diaries of Dale S. Rogers, a man who lived in a rural town in the south of Texas, a man who lived next to the Wild Man of the Navidad. Dale is a quiet man who lives an unobtrusive life with his wheelchair bound wife and her strange, shirtless Mexican caretaker who just so happens to offer up rabbit meat to the Wild Man to keep him at bay. After losing his welding job to a local smart ass, he opens up his land to paying hunters who soon find out that intruding on the Wild Man is a good way to get dead.

Kills

About seven people of varied ages, from 12 year olds to senior citizens, find themselves on the wrong end of the touch of death.

Ills

There are a lot of real dead animals in the film. You don’t see any of them get killed a la Cannibal Holocaust or anything, but they’re real none the less. There are a couple of bloodless deaths and then some deaths that come fully loaded with blood and stabbings. What looks to be real organs (possibly animal) are tossed about at one point. A body is torn up by antlers. An invalid is inappropriately touched and seemingly finger-raped, if that is something you can do. (It is)

Lust

A creepy guy sniffs an unattractive woman’s underwear and touches his enchilada.

Learning

Local legends are real 90% of the time and will kill you 98% of the time.

Review

The experience of Navidad starts off strongly by effectively channeling a 70s vibe. There is a documentary feel to the footage and the lettering and the font is retro. Very quickly the movie is revealed to be low budget and much of the acting, if not all of it, is bad – but so bad that it almost wraps around to being charming. The first clue that the film is probably not going to live up to whatever expectations I had came during the credits. It is generally a bad sign when you see the same names being repeated over and over and over again. Duane Graves and Justin Meeks are credited as writers, actors, directors, producers, editors, costume designers, production designers, set designers, visual effects editors, camera operators, grips, and they were the sound department. People with the same last names, aka family, also filled out roles in locations and production management. Hm. Anyway, Kim Henkel serves as co-producer and, not that anyone would remember this factoid, but he was a producer on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Henkel met Graves and Meeks when he was teaching a writing class and he is also the best part of the film as he serves up an introduction to the DVD that is pretty funny.

The Wild Man starts slowly and never really gains steam. The tone of the film is mostly depressed and it never shakes off the sluggishness of the rural setting. A few scenes of the Wild Man in the distance are effective, though once the creature-man is out in full force he seems to be an odd collection of pelts and we don’t see his face until the very end. Despite killing several people, the Wild Man never really seems to pose a threat – he mostly just walks up and kills people when they’re either already asleep or about to go to bed. It sort of seems that he has antlers for hands, but one must assume he just uses them as his weapon of choice, which is kind of cool, but ultimately the Wild Man is mostly lame because he doesn’t inspire fear or command the screen – rather he lumbers about.

There is most definitely a great idea in The Wild Man and filmmakers Graves and Meeks have a future in the industry – their dialog isn’t atrocious and the story is there, just failed in execution. Given time to learn and material to improve on, there is nothing holding these guys back from making an effective horror film. As an ultra-low budget movie that was basically created exclusively by two guys, The Wild Man of the Navidad is more effective as a proof-of-concept “Hey we can make a movie!” deal rather than an entertaining film. If you’re a fan of low budget flicks or like seeing rural Texas, this movie may be for you. Otherwise, you’re best passing on it. It is one of those films that I almost feel bad grading, considering how much work went into it and how much was stacked against it in terms of money and production value and the like. If the filmmakers do read this however, what I would hope they take from it is this: keep going. You have talent and can make something of yourselves and when you make that next film great, I’ll be more than happy to check it out.

Coroner’s Report: The Haunting in Connecticut Unrated

Robert Fure — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 18:24:18 +0000

Recently released on DVD and Blu-ray, The Haunting in Connecticut is based on the true story of a Haunting in Connecticut. But you probably guessed as much. The real story revolved around the Snedecker family who moved into a house that was once a funeral home and quickly discovered it was full of a variety of demons. The movie version changes the name and ditches the demons in favor pissed off spirits who suffered at the hands of the former funeral home operator.

Each story, both the fictional and the ‘real’ suffer from a plausible explanation being right up from – the main character, a cancer ridden son, is on a regimen of drugs that can lead to hallucinations. Sure, in both stories the spooky events eventually affect the entire family, but the first step in thinking a house is haunted is having someone tell you as much.

Kills

Via flashbacks we see between one and six or seven deaths, but that’s being generous as we don’t see much and it does all happen in flashback. So basically, no one dies, but that’s par for the course in most ghost stories.

Ills

We see a decent amount of blood and a bunch of corpses. Some eyelids get cut off and bodies have characters and numerals carved into them. There is a goopy wall that seems to be full of dead tissue, a dude with a burned up face, and someone burns to death. There are a couple of creepy images, mostly one that reminded me of my grandparents basement and the disembodied head of that boy I killed so many years ago. Moving on.

Lust

One of the actresses is cute, but she stays fully dressed the whole time.

Learning

Ghosts are dickheads and they will seek vengeance against anyone, whether or not they had anything to do with their deaths.

Review

The Haunting in Connecticut is an alright film that is very well made but ultimately one that fails to keep your attention. Any real scares the film could have packed in where replaced with jump scares and overly loud music cues meant to make you jump rather than shake in terror. The film doesn’t manage to bring anything new to the table in terms of ghost stories, nor do any of the acting performances really stand out.

Towards the end, a bunch of corpses are discovered within the walls of the home, each which are remarkably well preserved after spending 80 some years in the home. They show very little decay and the story has little reason to put them there. In picking and choosing which prior ghost movies to borrow from, they seem to have taken from the wrong ones, leaving you never on the edge of your seat with suspense or wonder. That being said, the movie is very well made and well shot. It is a film that is technically very close to perfect in regards to the visual look of the film, cinematography, and other aspects that are unrelated to story or the overly jumpy audio track.

Haunting might be worth a look if you’re a fan of ghost films as there really aren’t all that many released each year, but if you’re looking for a good, quality scare, you should probably look elsewhere. However, if you’re a fan of the real world ghost adventures, the special features might very well be worth a look. Included are some making of documentaries, but especially of note is the The Fear is Real: Reinvestigating the Haunting features which talk to the actual family the movie is based on. Also included is Memento Mori which follows teh history of postmortem photography. So if you’re into that, give it a rental.

Blu-ray

The Blu-ray is very well put together. It starts off with a simple, elegant and cool menu design that doesn’t spoil the movie or become annoying or distracting. The picture quality is astounding almost throughout. Some of the night shots have some visible graininess to them, but it’s not bad and is a result of just how amazing the transfer is. Really one of the best visual presentations I’ve seen. The audio is good and mixed loud to hammer home some jump scares.

Mortality

Barely breathing.

Coroner’s Report: Friday the 13th Part V

Robert Fure — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 21:32:15 +0000

In the interest of completionism, of course I’m going to talk about Friday the 13th V. This installment of the franchise is a tricky one to talk about. It is one of (sort of) two installments that don’t feature Jason Voorhees as the killer and in a way marks the downfall of the franchise. Then again, it marks the first real ‘Jason’ film as fans most likely know him – full on hockey mask, machete swinging, lots of gore. Before this, the body counts were never as high and the gore wasn’t as prevalent.

In Part V Tommy Jarvis, who killed Voorhees in the previous installment, has grown up into a trouble young man and goes to a half-way house to try to get his head straight, but mostly he just stands around looking pissed and fighting dudes. Apparently at some point in his gone-crazy sessions he took some martial arts lessons, to better kick the asses of the undead. Soon, killings start up again and a familiar looking hockey-faced bad guy looks to be the one behind it all.

Kills

By my count right around 20 people were killed in this movie, making it one of the bloodier installments of the franchise.

Ills

There are plenty of stabbings and a seemingly mentally-challenged (more on this later) guy is hacked to death with an axe. An arm is cut off, a road flare gets shoved in a mouth, some throats are slit, and an axe finds its way into a skull and a gut. Stomachs are popular targets and also end up skewered on knives while a large pair of shears plunge through some heads. A head is popped, a pole is shoved through someones spine and two people get chopped in the face before someone is knocked into a bed of spikes.

Lust

I rarely say boob shots are ‘gratuitous’ but this movie definitely has one. We also see some boobs and butt during a sex scene and some boobs and panties later on.

Learning

I’ll be honest, this movie didn’t teach me anything. I guess don’t kill people because then their relatives will kill you.

Review

Friday the 13th V is a movie that tears at your very soul. On one hand, it’s not that great but on the other, it really is the start of a new direction for the franchise. While that direction birthed some hideous fetuses, it created the Jason we would eventually know and love. The grown up Tommy Jarvis is a bit of a bitch and the house he stays at is full of people who are quite literally retarded. Like bona-fide mentally challenged. Those are bold steps for a film to take considering you’re going to have some guy slaughter his way through these sad, sad people. One can’t complain too much about Tommy Jarvis though, considering the fact that other than looking pensive or angry he only has three lines.

We are punished with some of the worst characters to ever grace a Friday film, including a fast talking pothead in a Michael Jackson rip-off outfit who is always quick to offer an enchilada. Strange indeed. The film’s writers want to reward us with a machete versus chainsaw battle at the end of the film which sounds fantastic but ultimately fails in execution. It is worth noting that the film required something like 9 reviews by the MPAA before it was granted an R rating from the MPAA due to sex and violence. Perhaps on the cutting room floor somewhere remains the vestiges of a completely awesome slasher romp. As it stands, A New Beginning doesn’t really begin the franchise anew in the way they intended, but in the end it’s not that bad of a time for fans of the franchise.

Coroner’s Report: Friday the 13th The Final Chapter Deluxe Edition

Robert Fure — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 14:16:35 +0000

Back in February of this year Paramount put out the first three Friday the 13th movies to accompany the Warner Bros reboot of the franchise. Now, four months later, we finally get the next group in line, parts IV, V, and VI, what fans sometimes refer to as “The Tommy Trilogy” in reference to the new character, Tommy Jarvis, who is in all three installments. In this installment, young Tommy is played by Corey Feldman in what is probably his greatest acting role of all time, Lost Boys be damned.

Not much is new in the fourth go-round of the franchise. Near Crystal Lake a group of young adults head off to a house in the wood to party, drink, smoke, and sex and end up on the wrong side of many sharp objects. A nearby house is the home of the Jarvis family while a relative of a previous victim attempts to hunt Jason through the woods. This, of course, doesn’t really end well for anyone.

Kills

The movie starts off with a flashback of the previous three film and throws up about 9 kills in that period. Once the actual movie gets going, a further fourteen people, including Jason himself, bleed out and die.

Ills

My notebook page ran out of space. Among the violence we see a bonesaw to the neck, a head wrenched, a stab and slit, a throat stab, a gut stab that comes out the spine, some spear action, a knife to the head, and a cork screw to the hand. That is not all! There is a slo-mo toss out a window onto a car, a body nailed to a wall, an axe to the heart, a knife to the brain, a hand chop, a head chop, a hacked up body, and best of all – a speargun to the ballsack.

Lust

My pen weeped ink everywhere in a rush to note all the delicious, beautiful boobies. There is a butt shot with some panty peaking (Jason sort of grabs it!), lots of boobs, female butts, dude butts, more boobs, lingerie, a shower sex scene with a butt press and best of all – twins exposing boobs simultaneously!

Learning

Never leave a guaranteed fuck to gloat over your friend or get some wine. Just fuck. Also, stay the hell away from Camp Crystal Lake already!

Review

The filmmakers set out to do something different with The Final Chapter of the franchise – they aimed to unquestionably kill Jason. This was to be the end. That didn’t work out so well, but the movie, for the most part, does. It starts ok with the flashback and two good kills but then takes its time for like 50 minutes without much in the way of killing – but plenty of nudity spread throughout. Crispin Glover co-stars in the film and lays down the “Dead Fuck Dance” which is like an epileptic mosh pit that elevates the film to unheard of heights.

Unlike the perception of Jason in other movies, this masked killer is something of a mental terrorist. He hangs bodies around the house to terrify his victims, disables lights and phones, and even runs, though at the end he’s not very threatening as he’s outsmarted and outfought by a 10 year old boy and a 20 year old girl. But, he does manage to break a lot of windows. Like five or six. And most of them are broken by something going through them. Like a person. This could have been called Slow Motion Window Crash: The Movie. It raised the everlasting question – does the dog jump out of the window or was he thrown by Jason? Scholars maintain that the initial idea was that Jason tossed the dog out the window, but these days most people agree the dog jumped to get the hell out of there, abandoning his loyal child servant. Awesome.

The Final Chapter definitely loses points for starting so slow, but it wins most of them back by exploding with violence and murder in the last 20 minutes. The film also deserves credit for basically creating the mold and mastering it when it comes to the sex equals punishment rule. All of the characters who have sex in the film die. Perhaps the most awesome and memorable moment of the film is when a virginal girl has sex with her boyfriend in a sensual shower scene. He confesses to being in heaven, she confesses her love. Then Jason slams the guys nose bone into his brain, killing him. As the ex-virgin flees, Jason tosses an axe into her heart. Wow. She has sex, falls in love, then gets an axe in her heart. That is literature.

This Deluxe Edition DVD is awesome. It has a couple of different commentaries and Part 4 of the “Lost Tales of Camp Blood” series. Additionally there is a making of, cut scenes, an alternate ending, outtakes of Crispin Glover’s dancing, and a nifty little faux-news featurette called The Crystal Lake Massacres Revisited Part 1. Fans will be happy to see recognizable faces as well as some dedicated fans and supporters – like Del, the owner/operator of Burbank’s Dark Delicacies store (great place for horror books) and ShockTillYouDrop Editor Ryan Rotten. This is a must own if you don’t already have a copy and if you do – it’s probably worth an update.

Coroner’s Report: The Cell 2 on Blu-ray

Robert Fure — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 21:56:35 +0000

You probably remember The Cell as that movie that had Jennifer Lopez before she became annoying and Vincent D’Onofrio being slightly creepier than normal. The Cell 2 wants you to remember this movie, so they show a short little introduction that features J. Lo but then quickly moves away from anything really resembling the first movie.

In The Cell 2 Tessie Santiago stars as Maya, a psychic investigator who left the FBI after she blames herself for a woman that died at the hands of The Cusp, a new serial killer. The Cusp has the cool and interesting methodology of killing his victims, then resuscitating them, only to repeat the process until they eventually die. The Cusp goes underground for a year but comes out of semi-retirement to lure Maya back into the fold by kidnapping the niece of a local Sheriff. Maya must explore the memories of the killer in a race to find him in time.

Kills

Four people bite the big one in the film, though one girl does die like two times. So maybe that makes it five people? Or four people five deaths?

Ills

A chest is cut open, but we mostly just see the aftermath and a dead body or two. There are needles poked into skin, some suffocation, torture by shock paddles, an axe to the back, a stab to the hand and a bullet to the brain. Not really intersting on the injury front.

Lust

One woman is kind enough to appear in lingerie and then remove her bra, revealing some breasts. That is all.

Learning

Serial killers are, apparently, always the guy that works within 3 degrees of the investigation and shows up twice before you connect the dots.

Review

I wasn’t a huge fan of the first film, though it did have a pretty crazy visual style and Lopez was smoking hot. Here, Santiago looks a bit like a poor man’s Eva Longoria, but she’s still pretty hot. Instead of actually getting inside the killer’s head, she mostly walks through his memories, something that is shown by her walking down an electric blue hallway with moving pictures (memories) on the wall, that she watches. She never really gets into the head of The Cusp until the very end and once there, nothing cool happens and the movie is over another 10 minutes later.

My first problem would revolve around Maya’s decision to leave the FBI – she blames herself (as do others) for the failure to rescue the girl but in actuality, without her abilities they never would have even come close. So, at best, she failed to make a difference, but didn’t cause the death at all. Secondly, the killer is kind of goofy. He’s not threatening and comes off insecure and like a little bitch, not someone to be feared. Plus, the guy is afraid of the dark, but that really doesn’t come into play much. Towards the end there is possibly the least interesting chase in history, despite featuring a helicopter. There are some parts of the film that are cool, but mostly in that “it would be cool if it a college student did it” way.

Blu-ray

The disc comes with one special feature, a behind the scenes tidbit, but is equipped with BD Live on this disc. The picture is presented in 1080p HD 16×9 and looks fantastic. The film was probably shot on video and one effect scene looks poor, but overall the picture is beautiful and crisp. The audio is Dolby TrueHD mixed in 5.1 and it is bombastic. The leveling was annoying with most of the movie being rather normal but cutting away, often, to loud noises and scenes. When you’re trying to watch this in the quiet of your own home at 1am, that gets old fast. But the technical specifications of the disc are spot-on and it looks great.

Mortality

Dead on Arrival. This movie isn’t worth watching.

Film School Rejects » The Coroner’s Report

Coroner’s Report: Friday the 13th Part VI

Related Reading:

Coroner’s Report: Stan Helsing

Related Reading:

Coroner’s Report: The Thaw

Related Reading:

Coroner’s Report: Hardware Blu-ray

Related Reading:

31 Days of Horror: The Hills Run Red

Related Reading:

31 Days of Horror: Amusement

Related Reading:

31 Days of Horror: Offspring

Related Reading:

Coroner’s Report: Staunton Hill

Related Reading:

Coroner’s Report: Fear Itself

Related Reading:

Coroner’s Report: Red Velvet

Related Reading:

Coroner’s Report: The Wild Man of the Navidad

Related Reading:

Coroner’s Report: The Haunting in Connecticut Unrated

Related Reading:

Coroner’s Report: Friday the 13th Part V

Related Reading:

Coroner’s Report: Friday the 13th The Final Chapter Deluxe Edition

Related Reading:

Coroner’s Report: The Cell 2 on Blu-ray

Related Reading: