Movies That Suck

Thank Buddha because the summer movie season is finally here!

All addicts have their favorite hook-ups. Movie addicts aren’t much different. They all have a movie store they go to, sometimes on a weekly basis, where they blow their paychecks on DVDs, posters and other assorted paraphernalia.

Whether you thought Charlton Heston was a God-fearing man who could actually make God fear him or another crazed gun nut who would shoot his mouth off faster than a bullet-spewing MP5, you have to admit he was a man worth admiring.

We got an entire movie theater to ourselves. This has never happened to me or anyone I know. Then again, everyone I know is a tool so that either means God smiles on people who aren’t the biggest tools or there is no God and we’re all on our own.

Most God fearing people think of envy as a deadly sin, a mortal blotch on your soul for St. Peter to see on your resume when you’re trying to get that sweet champagne supermodel pool boy gig in Heaven. Not me.

When I first heard another Indiana Jones movie was coming out, a little part of my brain perked up and fired off a warning shot that this may not be such a good thing.

There’s something missing from today’s movie multiplexes other than quality films, sticky theater floors that don’t feel like the killing floor of a slaughterhouse and money in your wallet after you leave.

When that time comes, let’s pray archaeologists don’t excavate a 2 million year old Blockbuster… Such as Meet the Spartans.

It’s easier to escape from Guantanamo Bay with only duct tape and plastic sheeting than the phrase “You have to see Juno.”

Belief is a funny thing. One person may think something is the most brilliant book, movie or song they have ever heard and another person will read, watch or hear the exact same thing and think their head has just been raped by evil spirits.

There are a slew of Christmas movies out there, which seems rather unfair because it’s the only holiday where movies are made specifically for it.

My Christmas shopping trip was Hell. No wait, that doesn’t really describe it. At least Hell has a lava hot coffee break. It was below Hell. It was Dante’s Inferno on Ice.

With no apologies to Dr. Seuss, because, hey, he’s dead. What’s he going to do to me?

Everyone has fear. It’s ingrained in our psyche. Anyone who denies it is lying, dead or both.

I’m not against movie violence. In fact, I encourage it. I think every movie should be violent because it’s a reflection of our world. If “The Care Bears Movie” had Funshine Bear toting an AK-47 and Tenderheart Bear dying in a gasoline fire, you’d leave the theater and do everything in your power to stop violence.

Hey it’s summer movie season and what a season it’s shaping up to be! There’s that new movie from washed up actor who tried being a director but failed miserably and has to star with a young overrated hack. Look, there’s “Product Placement! The Movie” starring Something Your Kids Will Whine and Cry Over in Public Making Everyone in a Five Mile Radius Believe You are the Worst Parent in the World Until You Buy It for Them. Oh and let’s not forget the movie that’s based on another movie that’s based on another movie that’s based on something that’s not a movie because coming up with an original idea requires you to lay off the cocaine for more than an hour.

Ahhh, its Fourth of July. It’s hard not to like this time of year. The smell of freshly baked apple pie and barbecued chicken fill the hot summer air. American flags blow in the sweet gentle breeze. Fireworks can be seen from miles around followed by the screams of burning pain from the hooligans who lit them. But for most Americans, Fourth of July means something much more meaningful and important. It’s not about the food, the festivities or the first degree burns. It’s about something more patriotic, more democratic, more American. It’s about getting a paid day off from work.

Dear parents of the world,

There’s no doubt in my mind you have the most difficult, underpaid and underappreciated job on the planet, and that includes Paul W. S. Anderson’s script doctor and the U.S. Senate’s congressional angry spittle mopper. This isn’t first hand knowledge since there are no kids under my branch on the family tree. (It’s a personal choice, nothing physical mind you. My twig doesn’t need any Miracle-Gro, thank you very much.)

If you’ve ever tried to beat up a geek, you know the best place you can hit him is in his pocketbook. His left shoulder also bruises easily if you punch with the knuckles. Also his face can’t withstand many hits and if you twist his nipple hard enough, it makes a very satisfying pop sound when you pull it right off.

Rumor has it the threesome of Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are working on a third film as a trilogy of sorts of British odes to American films, but the rumor mill must be on a break. Maybe they just need a bright idea. Here’s the windup and the pitch.

Richard Roeper, who isn’t a movie critic but plays one on TV, recently said on an episode of “Ebert & Roeper” that zombies make the worst movie monsters. It was at that moment that I put aside my personal, stubborn beliefs, got down on my knees and reconnected with God because I prayed real hard for a real zombie outbreak just to prove Mr. Roeper wrong.

Nine out of 10 scientists agree, waiting sucks.

The only thing worse than waiting is, of course, more waiting. That moment when you think the waiting is over and just when you think you’ve seen the promised-land, more waiting comes behind it. Its God’s dollar bill tied to a string.

Lots of people ruin movies. Some do it without realizing it. Others do it because they have nothing better to do. Everyone in Hollyweird does it because that’s how they make a living.

They come from all creeds, all nations, all races, all walks of life. Some of them talk to each other during the movie. Some of them answer their cell phones. Some of them even talk to the screen…

Being a movie fan is quite a daily struggle. I mean other than trying to juggle our love of imitation popcorn butter and pants that fit.

There are two kinds of movie fans: the fans and the fanatics. The fans have very strong opinions about the kinds of movies they like and the movies they wouldn’t screen to detainees at Guantanamo Bay and then they go about their day.