Cutting up the cinema screens this weekend is the 12th installment of the ever present Friday the 13th franchise.  You’d think with eleven films already out there and available for your perusal that most people would have figured out how to survive a slasher by now.  But with every installment comes another dozen kills, clearly people are not paying enough attention!  Luckily, I’ve been taking notes and can virtually guarantee* your survival.

• Wear functional shoes. This is mainly for you ladies.  Stripper pumps and sandals are basically magnets for holes in the ground, branches, and other things that will have you face-planting moments before your face is cut off.
• Don’t Go Upstairs.  Unless you keep a loaded gun upstairs, that’s probably the worst place to run to.  Although if you have an awesome zipline system installed, ignore this one.
• Avoid drugs and excessive alcohol. Slashers are squares and they don’t like things that are cool.  Also, if you’re wasted, your odds of getting away are greatly reduced, plus your ability to even understand what’s happening is probably zero.
• Don’t Cover up Killing an Innocent. Or if you do, make sure he or she is actually 100% dead before you do.  Because they will come back and kill you.  Or a family member might.
• Don’t Go to Camp. Stay at home and play video games.
• Do Take off Your Clothes. Well honestly this will probably help get you killed, but the odds of your surviving are low to begin with so at least die naked for our enjoyment.
• Change Your Oil. How often do cars fail to start in these situations?  9 out of 10.  Keep your car in good repair and you just might make it.  But probably not.
• Kill Him.  Twice. Seriously.  When you merely wound the guy and run away, that’s your chance to kill him.  And then kill him twice.  To be sure.  If he’s laying on the ground all dead, smash something through his brain.  Twice.
• Move. Provided you somehow managed to survive, the killer or his offspring will attempt to track you down and kill you.  Don’t make it easy.  Move to a new home, get a fence and a mean dog, and keep a gun nearby.  Or, conversely, become a killer yourself, go out and prosper!

Follow these few tips and you might just find yourself living to enjoy another movie.  Ignore these and I’ll be watching you get your back snapped in half and your innards put in a blender.  So either way, it’s fine by me.

*Guarantee not valid.

What are some of your horror survival tips?

Editor’s Note: Warning, failure to have a sense of humor may result in your lack of enjoyment of the following article.

Coming to theaters this weekend is the romantic comedy starring, well, everyone, He’s Just Not That Into You, based on the book I didn’t read of the same name.  Most guys haven’t read that book, considering we just weren’t that into reading it.  Apparently it is some sort of deal about feeling better about guys not liking you or a guide book to not being liked by dudes.  Reject Cole Abaius was supposed to submit a book report to me about it (he’s my personal reader and fills in my MadLibs) but he couldn’t stop his girlish weeping long enough to hand write it in glitter pen on my favorite pink parchment.  So I just guessed what it was about and figured I’d help you ladies out by giving you a few hints on how to make us be that into you.

• Breast Augmentation.  Not only is bigger better, but in the case of a water landing they can be used as a flotation device.
• Watch Evil Dead II.  Guys hate seeing chick flicks, but if you’re willing to watch Bruce Campbell movies on a weekly basis, you’ll land a sugar daddy in no time.
• Jump a motorcycle into the Grand Canyon.  No matter what you’ve heard to the contrary, this is the only real way to win a man’s respect.
• Send Subtle Signals.  Like stroking the stem of your glass, sucking on a cherry stem, or dancing nude for money.  We’re visual learners.
• Smell Nice.  Most women think a good perfume smells vaguely of flowers or something stupid like that.  Try rubbing a little bacon grease on your neck before going clubbing.
• Practice Beer Pong (aka Beirut).  Seriously, we are so tired of carrying the team.
• Wear provocative clothing to work.  Work is boring and we’re tired of playing Solitaire.  And I don’t even mean that as a double entendre.  It’s a single entendre.
• Never, Ever, Ever Suggest we see The Pink Panther 2. We will break up with you on the spot.  I’ve read that Steve Martin is the second leading cause of domestic abuse, behind Mike Myers movies.

Print this checklist out and put it in your giant knock-off purse.  Pull it out and read it anytime you’re at a loss for how to attract a man.

What are your smoother operator tips for picking up members of the opposite sex?

As a kid, I didn’t need toys because I loved playing with words so much. The Uninivited are Horrible House Guests, I mean come on, that is guaranteed to be at least as good as the movie itself! And yeah, that’s saying something. Saying something bad.

Perhaps I’m rushing to judgment, though my gut feeling is pointing me in that direction, but at the very least The Uninvited, by title alone, gives us real life insight. People who show up uninvited are often a pain in the ass. A step further, most house guests are a pain too. With that in mind, hop on board with a few of these tips to make sure that you’re at least as good of a house guest as Sinbad in, you guessed it, Houseguest.

• Don’t be Uninvited. Showing up unannounced is a total dick move, bro. At least have the common courtesy to call and see what’s up if you want to hang out. And calling to say “Hey, I’m downstairs” is not calling ahead.
• Hanging Out isn’t a +1. That’s the lingo for bringing a guest. If you ask to come over, or are invited over, the invitation is probably just for you. Showing up with 2 or 3 friends is totally uncool. Call and make sure it’s okay to bring others.
• Don’t Make Yourself at Home. Hanging at home is awesome. You can go barefoot, not wear pants or shirts, put your feet up and leave the refrigerator door open for an hour while choosing what you want. Until you’re considered a pretty good friend, you shouldn’t kick off your shoes, empty your pockets, and root around the fridge at a host’s house.
• Be Timely. If you’re coming over at 4, anything before 3:45 and after 4:15 is not considerate.
• Be Clean. Seriously. Don’t show up in dirty old gym clothes or stinky. Even if you’re best friends. That’s gross.
• Leave On Time. Sometimes a host won’t kick you out, but when he starts mentioning work, being tired, or busy, he’s telling you to get out.
• Don’t Assault the Host’s Children. You’ve weaseled your way into this marriage and that’s bad enough, leave the kids alone.
• Don’t Boil Any Pets. How did this even enter your head as a good idea?
• Resist the Urge to Murder. It really puts a damper on the evening’s festivities if you keep trying to choke someone or chase around a loved grandmother with a kitchen knife.

So the next time you’re over at someones house, Uninvited or not, be on your best manners and mind your P’s and Q’s, whatever that means. Some say it means be careful of the letters “p” and “q” on a printing press when typesetting, which makes sense. We Rejects are always screwing up our Gutenberg 4950. Others say it’s about bartenders warning patrons to mind their “pints” and “quarts” while drinking. Personally, I think it actually means mind your Pentaceratops and Quaesitosaurus, which admittedly makes the least amount of sense unless you’re a rare dinosaur wrangler. Bet you didn’t think I’d be able to find a dinosaur that started with Q, eh?

Do you have any Uninvited Houseguest horror stories? Murder, assault, not using a coaster?

Hello again to the seven of you who regularly read this column! I’m sure your lives have been virtually demolished, as Movie Style Guy took an extended Christmas hiatus. No worries, because I’m back, though I fear I’ve chosen a fairly weak releasing period, at least as far as style is concerned. I had considered talking about the different binding methods available due to Inkheart, but thought better of it. Like always, when there isn’t much to go on, we get to drinking. Cheers.

The Movie: Killshot
The Drink: Scotch, at least 7 years old

The Reason: Killshot initially finished filming almost 5 years ago. Cue some reshoots. Then cue some straight to DVD advertising. Then time-out, Rourke is big. Send this baby to limited release. As much as this movie sounds cool, the long delay has us all worried. So, to take the edge off, cue up a Scotch that was first poured into a barrel two years before filming began.

The Movie: Inkheart
The Drink: Cabernet Sauvignon

The Reason: When celebrating the written word, is there anything more fitting than red wine? I didn’t think so. The film takes place in Italy and Cabernet Sauvignon has had a long history in the area, so pour a glass of this before you take the kids to this entertaining family film – unless you’re driving the mini-van.

The Movie: Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
The Drink: Stella Artois or other Pale Lager

The Reason: This movie takes place a long, long time ago, and beer is one of our oldest beverages. This installment of Underworld was filmed in New Zealand, where the favored beers are pale lagers. Since the importation of beer from New Zealand is fairly rare, if you can’t find any at your local BevMo, pick up the delightful and drinkable Stella Artois (Belgium). Though if you want to stay in that region, Foster’s is Australian for beer, or so I’m told.

The Movie: Outlander
The Drink: Beer Breezer

The Reason: What do you drink before a sci-fi viking epic? Something strong, no doubt. I’ve been pitching this drink to people for awhile. One shot of vodka per 6 or so ounces of beer. Some people add a few drops of tabasco and celery salt, but I say just drink it up. If there is anything that will mess with your mind more than this flick, it’s this drink.

Bottoms up friends and drink responsibly. As I recently learned, vomit is a smell that will stay in your car forever.

With Christmas only a week away, I’m sure you, like me, have accomplished no gift buying.  You may have delivered your wish list to Santa, most likely composed entirely of Criterion Collection DVDs and Boxed Sets.  Come time to exchange gifts by the yuletide fire, make sure you’re giving the best movie gifts of all and maybe your friends or parents will catch on and reward you with some awesome swag too.  Here are 8 simple ideas, some obvious, some maybe not so much, to make you the coolest cousin in town.

Framed Movie Poster. Obvious gift, but the addition of the frame makes it nice.  To play it safe, and cheap, go with either an invisible frame or a thin black one.  Pick a movie they like, but not one they already have the poster for, obviously.

Unique Movie T-Shirts. I’m not talking the cheap $10 iron-on you find at the store, though they can be cool at times.  What you want to look for is unique ways of expressing the movie, something that takes a little inside knowledge.  Have an Army of Darkness fan? Try to find an S-Mart shirt.  One company that is awesome at this, and was featured as one of our Officially Cool sites, is Last Exit to Nowhere. The only downside (to us Yanks, at least) is that they’re located across the Pond, making shipment and currency conversion to America pretty rough.

Minimates of an Awesome Movie. A lot of movie fans, myself included, like to decorate with movie memorabilia.  These little block characters are small, cheap, and totally awesome.  Perfect for accessorizing your desk at work.

Aviator Sunglasses. So you and your roommate decided to exchange cheap gifts – but what can you get for pocket change?  A cheap pair of Aviator Sunglasses, straight out of Top Gun.  These are never a bad gift.

Ray-Ban Wayfarer II Sunglasses. I like sunglasses, so what?  I don’t think you can have too many pairs.  These retro glasses are back in style and harken back to James and Elwood Blues.

Movie Maquette. Considering these things can run into the hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars, you better damn well like the person.  That said, is anything cooler than a giant alien head staring you down from your bed table?  Didn’t think so.

Francis Ford Coppola’s Director’s Cut Wine. An elegant gift for a more civilized time.  The movie and wine buff will be impressed that you married his two loves together.  The bottle is cool, featuring a label modeled after a zoetrope, one of the first methods of creating a “moving picture.”  I recommend the Cabernet Sauvignon.

Sweeney Todd’s Razors. Or any other awesome prop, or replica prop.  These can be stylish and simple and neat, set upon the desk at work or displayed in the home.  All movie fans will appreciate your knowledge of their favorite films.  These can start getting pricey, though, so buyer beware.

So keep these gifts in mind for Christmas or a birthday and you’ll stand out from your movie loving friend’s other buddies, who just went with Battlestar Galactica Season 2 on DVD.  Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, etc.

For us Rejects, going to the movies is an all-or-nothing affair.  Generally you’ll recognize us by our fancy dress, often wearing coats with tails, carrying walking canes, and our hands protected from hot buttery popcorn by thin, white gloves.  As I enter the theater, I squint through my monocle and take note of those dressed around me and judge them.  Usually negatively, I might add, as English breakfast tea always makes me a bit grumpy.  This weekend, don’t be a tool and celebrate the movie you’re seeing, or I’ll throw down a gauntlet and challenge your honor.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

What Not To Wear

You’re going to want to avoid any reflective material.  We don’t want you looking like Gort out there.  Leave behind the elevator shoes, you’re kind of a dork if you do this.  Also leave behind your X-Files shirts and things that say I Want to Believe or I Want to be Abducted.

What To Wear

I think I would like to see an entire theater full of people wearing simple black suits, going for more of a Klaatu look.  Either that, or just dress normally folks.

Gran Torino

What Not To Wear

Despite your strongest urges, ignore the idea that you should dress like that strange Korean War Veteran who hung out on his porch all day in your neighborhood wearing a wife beater and nursing a bottle of rye whiskey all day.

What To Wear

While Eastwood’s character is a racist (though a likable one), he’s still someone who served his country with distinction.  A classic American look is called for, with jeans and a simple t-shirt.  Maybe perhaps slacks with a jean jacket.  Or a simple, earth tone suit.

Che

What Not To Wear

Don’t dress like a paramilitary.  And don’t wear that stupid damn Che shirt.  Che is responsible for the mass murder of thousands, not some cultural hero.

What To Wear

This shirt brought to you by capitalism.

See, who needs TLC to help you decide what to wear when you’ve got me and I’ve been drinking all morning?

Do you ever dress up for the movies?

At first I considered giving you hints on how to boobytrap your own home (the research when painfully wrong).  Then I thought about giving you the full lowdown on protective gear and wearing lots of black and being intimidating (a phone call from the FBI halted that).  I also considered telling you the best guns to blow someones head off (my lawyer killed that).  So basically my only choice was to right about Frost/Nixon and old suits or just talk about my third favorite thing (after boobytraps and guns) – alcohol.

After the death of his family at the hands of criminals, Frank Castle became The Punisher and dedicated his life to handing out justice via firepower to bad guys everywhere.  That kind of pain and hatred can drive a man to drink – though as The Punisher Castle avoids the juice to keep his mind sharp.  But that doesn’t mean you have to suffer (unless you’re a criminal).

Beer Bomber

1.5oz 100 proof Vodka
6oz Lager Beer

Pour the vodka into a glass, pour the beer over top and drink.  Some will add a drop or three of Tabasco sauce to this drink, but that’s not necessary.  You may be thinking this is gross and you’d be wrong.  It basically just tastes like beer but kicks like .45 ACP.

Wild Turkey

750ml of Wild Turkey

Get the shit kicked out of you.  Drink as much Wild Turkey bourbon as you can before passing out.  This drink is inspired by 2004′s The Punisher.

The Manhattan

2oz Rye whiskey
1/2oz sweet Vermouth
2-3 drops Angostura Bitters
Cherry

Combine the liquid ingredients and shake or stir over ice until mixed and chilled.  Pour into a cocktail glass, garnish with a cherry, and enjoy.

Long Beach Iced Tea

1oz Vodka
1oz Tequila
1oz light Rum
1oz Gin
1oz Triple Sec
Splash of Cranberry Juice

While it may seem like a sissy drink, this one is basically 5oz of pure alcohol.  I went with a Long Beach version, which is red rather than brownish, to take it a step towards bloody manliness.  While you not feel all that manly while sipping this red drink, pretty soon you won’t be feeling anything at all.

So there we have it, a couple of fairly strong drinks for you to enjoy before, after, or during this weekends Punisher: War Zone.  If the movie is awesome, you’ll be cheering your drunk ass off.  If it sucks, you’ll pass out in your seat.  But remember, if you’re going to drink, don’t drive – because DUI is against the law and you know the Punisher does to lawbreakers.

What’s your favorite strong drink?

Just kidding. While from a “What’s Hot” standpoint, everyone should probably be talking about Twilight to get that 14 year old girl market. Personally, I’ve had a few too many connections in the 14 year old girl market, and it’s only a matter of time before Chris Hansen shows up at my door (just kidding, mom). But this weekend it may prove difficult to maneuver around the mall or go to the cineplex without something assuming you’re a Twilighter, especially if you’re a handsome rogue like myself. So what can we do to differentiate ourselves from the crowds? Well, we become the anti-Twilighters.

Earth Tones

As a vampire film, the colors and clothing are going to skew black and that means most of the fans are going to emulate their on-screen crushes and dress Hot Topic levels of dark. Now, you may think that means you just go straight up opposites and wear white, but then this turns into a Power Rangers team up, so instead we go with Earth tones. Khaki, beige, camo, or green are all good choices for you to wear. You want to err on the side of bright, so I recommend going green (heh).

Show Skin

People who aspire to be vampires often adapt some of the easier to swallow habits, like being really pale and covering up a lot of skin. We can counter this in the warmer climates by wearing shorts and tee shirts, as its still in the upper 70s in California. For the North Eastern crowd, all bundled up, consider a tee shirt underneath all that winter garb.

Demographic

Be a male over 18.

See/Do Something Else

Don’t want to fall in with the Twilight crowd? See something else. There are still a few good options in theaters, like the hilarious Role Models, the entertaining Quantum of Solace, or the new sure-fire hit, Bolt. Want to avoid the movie crowd altogether? Do something else. Go Live Action Role Playing. Go to a shooting range and practice taking headshots while dangling from ropes. Walk the dog in the park. You’ve got options this weekend and don’t have to fall in with the angsty teen crowd if you don’t want to.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, High School just let out and I’ve got to put on my Team Jacob shirt and go hang out.

Bond is a man of refined taste who has let much more than female assassins and martinis pass his lips and so, in addition to reprinting the Vesper recipe, I’m adding two more lesser known recipes for your enjoyment. Take care and watch your back (as you fall down drunk).

The Vesper

The drink that started it all when Bond ordered it up in both the literary and cinematic version of Casino Royale.

• 3oz of Gordon’s gin
• 1oz of Russian vodka
• 1/2oz of Lillet Blanc (or substitute dry Vermouth)

Combine ingredients in a martini shaker, shake with cracked ice, strain, and serve. Please see a detailed account of making this drink here.

Sazerac Cocktail

Arguably the oldest cocktail in existence and inarguably one of the first created in America, Bond ordered this unique drink in Live and Let Die. The drink has its origins in Louisiana, where it was recently made the official cocktail of New Orleans.

• 2oz Rye Whiskey
• Dash Absinthe
• 3 Dashes Peychaud’s Bitters
• 1tsp Simple Syrup

Chill an old fashioned glass by filling it with ice or letting it sit in the freezer for a bit. Add a dash of absinthe to the glass and twist to coat; pour out any excess liquor. Add the teaspoon of simple syrup and the bitters, then pour on the whiskey and stir. Enjoy. You may want to instead completely prepare the drink in a separate glass and then pour into your absinthe-prepped serving glass.

Black Velvet

I’m not entirely certain that all that many people still drink beer cocktails these days, but its worth a taste, so might as well act like Bond in Diamonds Are Forever and try this 1861 mourner’s English cocktail.

• 6oz Guinness Beer
• 6oz Champagne

There is some debate over which comes first, the beer or the champagne. I’ve seen it done both ways and prefer the look of champagne on the bottom, so that’s what I’m giving you. Pour champagne into your desired glass. Next, hold a spoon over the glass close to the surface of the drink and slowly and gently pour the beer over the spoon so that it sits on top of the champagne. Once the two equal parts have been poured, but not mixed, drink! Feel free to switch up the order, gents.

After you enjoy Quantum of Solace this weekend, take a moment to relax with one of these fine, Bond inspired beverages as you discuss the finer points of whipping-ass and scoring tail. Who knows, perhaps next week we’ll even have a new Bond cocktail to try!

Yours,

Robert “You Still Know My Name” Fure

Let me know your thoughts on these drinks and share your own recipes below!

When the weekends releases don’t exactly inspire a lot of style, we switch back to the past and pull out some classic looks from films gone by.  Now, that’s not to say there aren’t good movies coming out this week – Madagascar 2 will make tens of millions and Role Models is in my top five movies of the year, with lots of smart laughs and even more crass ones. But neither of these is really ground breaking in the style department, so we head to 1986 and the machismo masterpiece that is Top Gun.

Classic American

There isn’t much more American when it comes to style than blue jeans and a T-Shirt.  It’s a strong, classic look that never gets old.  You can wear it to the bar if you’ve got a dark t-shirt on or just to pass football around in the yard.  The jeans can be normal fit, relaxed, or ripped, but the closer to normal the better for the classic look.  Really trendy jeans need not apply.  As for the shirt, a Hanes Pocket T is what I recommend.  White should generally be avoided, as it appears to be an undershirt, but gray and black are both perfect.

Bombs Away

You can’t be a hot shot pilot or a real man with out at least one leather jacket in your closet.  While slapping on the US Wings Series Goatskin G1, complete with fur liner, may be a little bit too costume and not enough functionality, a good leather jacket is both stylish and warm.  Other styles of bomber jackets are acceptable, but anything that looks nice and fits well in black or brown is a safe choice.

Aviators

I’ve talked about how awesome aviator style sunglasses are and they show no signs of stopping.  They’ve appeared in Top Gun, Iron Man, Tropic Thunder, and countless other movies.  When going for the Top Gun look, they’re absolutely essential.  If these aren’t already in your wardrobe, you’re doing something wrong.

Dressing the part of the All-American flyboy is easy and relatively cheap and a smart look.  Avoid appearing as if you’re in costume and you’ll instead channel the inner, rugged American in us all.  Happy hunting.

Do you have a Top Gun look stored in your closet?

Step One – Have a 12 inch wang. Still with me? Didn’t think so. So obviously this is not a real guide to becoming a porn star – you’re either born with the right equipment or you’re not. Sure, some average joes might slip in there (heh), but mostly if you’re a dude and you want in, too bad. Ladies on the other hand, shoot me an email. We’ll talk.

But just because you’re not packing porn start privates doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun with the idea, especially this Halloween. It’s the perfect time to explore the fashion of the porn world. Fashion, you’re asking, do you mean “Just be naked?” Well, unless you’re in West Hollywood, that’s not going to fly, so no. But Retro-Porn Star outfits? Yes please. You could go with the classic look, which I’m pretty sure is just a white T-shirt and a mustache, a la Ron Jeremy, but if you’re feeling a bit more excited (heh), then hit a thrift store and gear up.

The Crotch

Listen, if you’re going to even attempt to pull of a porn star outfit, you’ve got to be in love with your own crotch. Probably some other crotches too, but that’s all on you, babe. Now, as a sex entertainer, your resume is always with you, tucked safely, but readily available, behind a zipper – no underwear. That being said, you still want to draw as much attention to the area as possible by wearing a large belt buckle and constantly grabbing at your junk. Add a few rings to your fingers, because flashy things draw attention too!

The Look

The look is retro, vintage-assbag. Play it up. You’re sleazy. Wife-beater undershirt? Ha, more like the only thing you need to wear on your torso! But if you’re going out, something colorful, flashy, unbuttoned. Wear jewelry. Have messy hair and stubble. Smoke. Wear pants that would embarrass you. Rock some square toed dress shoes. Take it to the max. The scumball sky is the limit here! You don’t want to look too well groomed – after all, your clothes are merely seconds away from being ripped off. People think porn stars are dirty and untrustworthy – dress like it.

The Attitude

If you’re a porn star, or porn producer, or anyone involved in porn, people are going to think you’re a douchebag. Why? Simple. They are jealous. Porn people, even if they’re not good looking, are probably rich and are getting paid to have sex with beautiful people. So look the part. Be the douche. Act the douche!

Take something ordinary and elevate to the highest levels of baggery. You probably have noticed by now I’m basing this all off my favorite porn producer – Kelly, from The Girl Next Door, played by Timothy Olyphant. After watching this movie, you couldn’t help but tug at your junk and point at things with two fingers.

Find your own two-finger point, or just steal his. That’s that every day thing that can set you apart. The way you point, make it unique. The drink you order, the way you drink it, make it as sleazy as possible. Play it up. The key? Confidence. When you slip on that leopard print silk shirt, or the retro leather jacket, you’re putting on a suit of costumed armor – no one is judging you, they’re judging your porn character. And porn characters have no shame, so neither should you. Embrace it. Relish it. The guy dressed like a Ghostbuster, when he grabs his junk, its just kind of creepy. But you, you’re just playing the part. Reach out and do a little grab-ass, it’s all you. Make any move with confidence and people will respect it.*

*Editors Note: This may get you arrested.

The Name

No porn star is complete with a sexually charged name. Think of powerful and phallic objects and strong terms that imply speed, stamina or strength. Or pick obviously sexual terms. Thrust Speedjerk. Hank Grabass. Richard Turbodick. The more ridiculous the better.

So whether you decide to just always be a porn-styled douche or are picking it up for Halloween, either way, just own it.

Yours,

Robert “Rocket Thrustcock” Fure

• 16oz Karo Syrup (Clear)
• 2 tablespoons milk
• .3fl oz Red food coloring
• 2-4 drops Green food coloring
• 4-6 drops Yellow food coloring
• 6-8 drops Blue food coloring

Start with the base of Karo and add milk, which gets a little bit cloudier and less translucent, then add your food coloring. You of course want to start with the lower amount of coloring and add more until its the exact color you’re looking for. Real blood is not bright red, but rather a somewhat duller, opaque red.

I used a version of this for a short film, pictured below in the gallery, and this exact recipe to decorate a shirt to help advertise an awesome comic book (slated to become a major motion picture), Hack/Slash. I was very pleased with the most recent recipe and it is now my go to mixture. This will stain clothes, it will be sticky, but with some elbow grease you can clean most surfaces. Now, go forth and bleed!

What uses do you have for fake blood?

With Max Payne about to storm its way into theaters with both guns blazing, you may be thinking “Gee, do I have what it takes to be an ultra hardass dual-wielding cop?” The answer is no, but that doesn’t mean you can’t steal his look.

The Shirt

To battle the cold of both the weather and that empty pit of your heart, you’re going to need a black turtleneck sweater.  Stylish and warm, it also looks totally badass when you’re rocking a shoulder holster.

The Jacket

Was there ever any doubt you’d be wearing a long, black leather coat?  I didn’t think so.  Every man should own a black leather jacket because they’re cool and they look great while keeping you warm.

The Pants

Black dress pants that go with the turtle neck to finish out the Mark Wahlberg Max Payne look.

The Handgun

Standard issue for tons of police departments and government agencies, the high capacity Beretta 92FS is a great choice for a personal defense weapon.  Holding 15 rounds of 9mm ammunition, you’ll be among the ranks of other such badass users as both Max Payne and John McClane.

The Shotgun

While I can’t discern which model Payne is holding in the photos, you can’t go wrong with an 18.5″ barrel 12gauge shotgun.  Personally, I’m partial to the Mossberg 500/590, which is also in use by many government and police agencies, including the United States Army.

Knowing this makes you a bad ass.  Just kidding you’re still just a fanboy, but so am I. Max Payne looks to be a balls-out, kick-ass action romp full of stylish clothes and tons of bullets.  If you want to cop this look for Halloween, its not hard, and if you want to purchase a gun for self-defense (and fun!) these two Max Payne inspired pics will serve you well.

When will you see Max Payne?

Every so often I like to step away from the world of clothing and alcohol and think about other ways you can take style hints from a movie. Like, the graceful arc of swinging a shovel or the gentle musical notes of racking the pump of a shotgun. When it really comes down to it (it being the Zombie Apocalypse), you’re not going to care about sneakers or hoodies, you’re going to care about brains and how to get them to the outside of skulls. That being said, let’s take a look at some popular zombie killing weapons and figure out which ones you need in your closet.

The Chainsaw

Like a thousand tiny razors hooked to a diesel engine and set to either “rip” or “tear,” this weapon sounds good and does awesome damage.

Pros: Awesome factor, deals a lot of damage, effective against doors.

Cons: Sprays possibly infected blood everywhere, can run out of gasoline at inopportune times.

Decision: Leave the chainsaw in the forest.

Crowbar

For some reason in movies, everyone has one of these blunt striking tools.

Pros: Heavy enough to crack skulls, useful in opening doors and windows.

Cons: Very short range, very blunt.

Decision: You can carry it with you, but not as a primary weapon.

Trench Spike

Created during the first World War to combine the benefits of punching someone in the face with a fistful of brass and stabbing their brain through the helmet, the Trench Spike or Knuckle Duster Knife seems crafted for zombie killing.

Pros: Heavy spike for braining won’t snag, knuckles can punch through skull when it’s down and dirty.

Cons: Extremely short range.

Decision: Having this makes you awesome.

Handgun

Luckily in the land of film, handguns hold about 40 rounds of ammunition and anyone can pick one up and hit zombies at 20 yards.

Pros: Light, relatively high ammo capacity, effective brain destroyer.

Cons: Short range, ammunition concerns, can be difficult for beginners.

Decision: When it comes down to it, you want one. Preferably a high capacity semi-automatic.

Rifle

If you know how to use it, you can reach out and touch someone at distance or bring down a tasty uninfected animal for dinner.

Pros: Long range, very high power, excellent brain destroying properties.

Cons: Unwieldly at close range, takes some skill to handle, longer reload times, varied ammunition capacity.

Decision: Always worth having, though unless you know how to use it, it may not be your saving grace.

Shotgun

Pretty much the be all, end all in any conversation, when you show up to the party with one of these power houses, people, zombies, and crackheads know you mean business.

Pros: Pretty easy to use, easier to hit targets, very powerful.

Cons: Low ammo capacity, longer reload times, powerful kick.

Decision: Essential to surviving any zombie outbreak.

Final Thoughts

When it comes time to survive the Zompocalypse, take what you can get. If you have a chance at it, the shotgun is almost always your best choice, with a handgun as a backup. Just about anything, swung with enough force, can smash a head. From shovels to baseball bats, just swing for the fences. If you’re a sword collector, you may be in luck as it never needs reloaded, though its ability to cleanly cut deep enough to destroy the brain is questionable and temporary as the blade dulls.

Be safe, friends

What’s your top choice for zombie slaying?

Robert Fure is FSR’s resident expert in all things style — from movie fashion to tools of the trade to stylish ways to get sloppy drunk, your Movie Style Guy is here to serve up the styles that matter. For more, check out the Movie Style Guy archive. This Week’s header image courtesy of ZombieTools.net

Some weeks there just isn’t anything inspiring in theaters. If you want to dress like someone from Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist, you’re a douchebag and probably already have girl jeans and hooded sweatshirts in your closet. So in a week like this, we take a look back at some Classic Styles from the past and start with one of the most recognizable and easily imitated – The Blues Brothers.

Quintessential Cool

If you only take one thing away from The Blues Brothers it has got to be a pair of Wayfarer sunglasses. I’ve mentioned how cool these are before. They’re stylish, a bit retro, comfortable, and have dark lenses so you can stare your ass off at passerbys without them ever knowing.

Hats Off

Or hats on, I guess. The men’s dress hat has seen a rapid increase in popularity, mostly thanks to rockers and stylish mofo’s like Johnny Depp. Don’t be afraid to try out a fedora or two. Hats should fit well and be of a moderate size – we’re concerned with style, not necessarily blocking the sun.

Black Is Back

Really black never left. But if you’re going for a suit, black is always a safe bet. When rocking the bluesy look, which is always cool, you want a simple black suit, simple black shoes, a simple black tie. Get the simple idea?

Pressed White

Just because you’re relaxed doesn’t mean your clothes have to be. The Blues Brothers always look nice, even when powering down the highway, or the mall, with a stolen squad car. Their white dress shirts always look nice – no matter what you’re doing, you should look clean and put together.

While you may want to ignore blatantly ripping them off or walking around in what is virtually a costume, taking elements of this outfit and pairing them, say the glasses and the hat, are good ways to evoke memories without coming off as weird. Then again, if anyone thinks you’re weird for dressing like a stylish blues duo, they’re no friend of ours.

Everyone can relate to a mysterious overlord taking control of your life and forcing you to do their evil bidding in an attempt to create chaos while masterminding a vicious scheme on a large scale. For the few of you out there who haven’t had this happen yet – be warned: it is only a matter of time. With that in mind, here are a few tips and gadgets that will make your service to international, greedy, white collar terrorists go a lot smoother.

Global Positioning System

Since they’re already probably tracking you, stick this in your bag anyways, it will come in handy. Many of the car mounted systems can recharge in the vehicle and then run for hours on the battery, so you can slip it into your pocket while running down the road and still know exactly where you are. New models also have security-enabled blue tooth connections, so you can listen to your instructions no matter where you are.

Comfortable Shoes

Evading arrest and detection is difficult enough without blisters on your feet. And when all is said and done and you’ve crippled an evil organization, don’t you wish you could look back on it all and know exactly what happened? Well, strap on a pair of Nike+ shoes and hook it up to your iPod and it will keep track of your pace, miles run, and all sorts of other information. Plus, they’re comfortable.

Hooded Sweatshirt or Jacket

No one is ever on the run without one of these. Big pockets for holding things, like your cellphone that’s already dialed a friend to warn them of impending arrest or just your keys. Throw the hood up when police are nearby and they’ll assume you’re just some kid, not a kidnapped person pushed into a life of crime acting suspiciously.

Taser

They’re probably legal to carry in your area and can help you get out of a sticky situation fast. Plus, if some annoying guy keeps heckling you while you’re trying to give a speech, you can totally tase that bro’ until he cries like a little girl.

Hopefully with these few items in your trail rated backpack will give you just the edge you need to survive any situation, or at least go for a pleasant hike. You have the knowledge – what you do with it is up to you.

Shorts or Pants?

Ah the classic question with a simple answer – weather appropriate. If it’s a bit chilly outside, you might just want to opt for pants. The odds of the theater being really warm are generally pretty low. If it’s broiling outside, shorts all the way. If you’re someone who gets cold easily, opt for jeans.

Shirt Style

Comfort is the most important thing when hunkering down for a two hour stretch. You don’t want to be uncomfortable and no one wants to see you shifting around in your seat, rolling up your sleeves, or tugging at anything. Generally, a t-shirt will do you just fine, unless its freezing outside. I find myself often being rather warm all the time, so if its cold outside, I’ll take a lightweight jacket or sweatshirt, but remove it before the movie starts.

Most Importantly

Shoes shoes shoes. If your shoes aren’t comfortable, you aren’t. A good, relaxing pair of sneakers are your best bet every time. Don’t be the guy who takes his shoes off. Let’s be honest, that’s kind of weird, a little gross, and maybe a bit rank. Don’t do it.

So there it is. An easy little game for a breezy little article.

What’s your normal theater going attire?

If you want to be a hardboiled detective, you need real life traumatic experiences, a drinking problem, an addiction to nicotine, a gun, and a bad ass suit. If you want to look like a hardboiled detective, or just a well dressed man or responsible business person, you still need the suit. Suits, to be exact. One gray and one black will get you through everything from interviews to drinks to shoot outs.

Back in Black

If you can only have one suit, go with black. It is timeless and appropriate at a funeral, an interview, or a first date. Talk about utility! Your suit doesn’t have to be pure black without any striping or accents. We are looking for a suit, not a tuxedo after all. You can try on suit jackets in a department store or wherever to get an idea about what size you wear, but to get the best fitting suit you should be measured by a tailor. Or, you can buy a somewhat cheaper unfitted suit and pay some extra later to have it tailored to your exact dimensions. When picking a suit, look mostly for subtle striping and a little bit of style without going too crazy with thick pinstripes or plaid anything.

You’ll want to go with a classic single breasted suit with two or three buttons – a double breasted suit is one that folds over itself significantly rather than just buttoning simply in the front. When wearing the jacket, the bottom button is left open out of a tradition that may date back to King Edward VIII and his portly belly, or it could just be for a cool flaring look. With a three button suit, you may want to leave the top button open as well.

Feeling Gray

I personally think that gray suits are awesome and should be worn more and more. Most suited to the warmer months of the year when black or navy can seem a bit heavy, gray has a lighter feel while still looking great and demanding respect. Regarding color, go lighter rather than darker because hey, you already have a dark suit. That’s not to say dark gray isn’t appealing, but if you want the most amount of variety in your look, lighten it up a shade or two.

The mechanics of wearing a gray suit are the same as with any suit, though you can get away with a bit more in your accessories. For instance, brown shoes and belt look good with a gray suit, but not with a black suit. A purple tie can really shine on its own when in stark contrast to the lighter grays, instead of blending in with the black.

Clothes Make the Man, Accessories Make him Cool

Just kidding. Mostly. But when it comes to rocking a suit, just as important as the actual garment itself is what you’re wearing with it. With darker suits, dark leather shoes are a must, that is, black. As mentioned, with gray suits, you can use different shades of brown. It needs to be repeated, I suppose, but you should know this by now: Your belt must match your shoes. Your socks should match your shoes as well. Brown socks with brown shoes, black with black and so on. A suit should never meet a pair of athletic socks and only in rare instances would a white dress sock be appropriate. Say, if you’re a pimp or a drug dealer or wearing a white linen suit in Havana.

For the tie, either forget it completely or stay with mostly solid colors. Novelty ties shouldn’t leave your closet- actually they shouldn’t even be in there. When in doubt, solid colors and thinner, rather than thicker, ties. Accent the whole thing with classy cuff links or a nice watch and you’re ready to tuck a pistol in the waist band and clip the badge to your belt. Or just get drunk at the Christmas office party, but look really good while doing it.

Top Photo Credit: Andrew Snavely

Too Much

This character has a lot of hair. A dense carpet of shag perched atop his head. So much so that he has no clue what to do with it. It just piles up, going every which way, climbing higher and higher. You need to control this before it gets out of hand and causes neck strain.

Offender: Lyle Lovett

Too Crazy

Putting designs in your hair is dumb as fuck. I’m not mincing words. This is stupid. It’s like someone controlled a razor via an Etch-A-Sketch. This is not cool. If you fall asleep on the subway, I will navigate from ear to ear and then steal your watch as my prize. Your hair is a part of your body, not a lawn in need of a groundskeeper.

Offender: Kanye West

What Are You Thinking?

Everyone had the exact same reaction to seeing Tom Hanks’ haircut in The Da Vinci Code – What the hell is he thinking? Your hair is somewhat like a hat. It sits on your head and looks best when it compliments you. Tom Hanks looks a fool with long hair. Someone got paid to cut his hair like that and I’m sure a dozen others said it looked nice. They should all be fired. Someone was asleep on the job on this one. Your hairstyle should reflect you and compliment your skull.

Offender: Tom Hanks

The Cover Up

Yes, Nicolas Cage’s epic hair in Bangkok Dangerous inspired this. I mean, wow. Considering Cage was well on his way to baldness twenty years ago, it’s alarming and offensive to think he actually believes we’re buying his long, flowing hair that defies the laws of gravity and stands at attention. In Ghost Rider he opted for a slightly more believable rug, which still looked far too firm for his whispy strands, but this is pushing it to a whole new level. You know, fellas, there comes a time to let it go. Staring at this picture, I think I see something in Cage’s hair. Let’s take a closer look.

Offender: Nicolas Cage

Well shit, it seems a Golden Eagle has roosted in Nicolas Cage’s forehead region. His bird hair invalidates my entire argument. He is cunning, I will give him that, but nothing without that bird! What’s really funny about that photo is how little Photoshop was involved.

Give It Up, Go Proudly

You can’t always best your genetics or Mother Nature. There comes a time when everyone has to let go of the dream. Sometimes that dream is a full head of hair. Puff out your chest and pack up your dignity and go out like a man. Hair doesn’t make the man. Like I said, it’s more like a hat. You don’t always wear a hat, do you? No. Exactly. So if your hair starts migrating south, follow the lead of Bruce Willis or Andre Agassi and shave it off. You look great, you look natural, you look like you. Just be you in all your imperfections. And who knows, you might just look like a complete badass when you’re bald.

Who has the worst haircut in Hollywood?

I’ll bet no one predicted I’d pick Sukiyaki Western Django as my inspiration for this week’s Movie Style Guy. But, sitting here in nothing more than boxers and a pair of cowboy boots and listening to Marco Beltrami’s most excellent 3:10 to Yuma score, I realized something my heart had always known – cowboys are cool.

Luckily, they’re also in style. There have always been movements toward historical garb, though the costumed flair of the West was long a tough sell. I’d say the modern reemergence came with Johnny Knoxville’s choice of Western inspired shirts, the return of the big belt buckle, and more recently, the sensible and modern cowboy styled duds of No Country for Old Men. Bringing some Western flair to your wardrobe is simple, relatively cheap, and awesome. Pour yourself a glass of whiskey and let’s do this.

The Shirt

A cool modern Western shirt can range from the simplest mono color articles to more elaborately patterned pieces. Your classic standby will generally be a plaid pattern in any color with two breast pockets. Snap shirts (snaps instead of buttons) are popular and add something fun to the shirt. Josh Brolin, pictured here, is wearing a simple striped shirt, but note the breast pockets and snaps.

The Pants

You can opt for darker colored trousers if you want, but the modern Cowboy is definitely a denim man. It’s okay to modernize here and stray from Lee or Levi’s straight cuts and get something a tad funky to remind everyone you know it’s 2008. Light or dark, stressed or not, a good boot-cut pair of jeans is a necessity.

Belt and Buckle

The leather of your belt needs to match your shoes or boots, so eventually you’ll want both a brown belt and a black one. Most boots are shades of brown, so if you’re just buying one, get a brown leather belt. The buckle can be any size you want, plain or fancy. I enjoy drawing attention to my crotch, so I go with a big circular belt buckle. The buckle should be equal parts “What’s up ladies” and “Fuck yeah!”

Boots

There are a ton of boots out there, and you’ve got to pick what works for you. Personally, I’ve got a wide foot (hello there ladies, mmmyeah, you know what that means) so I sometimes have trouble tracking down a comfortable boot. It’s important to have relaxed looking boots, rather than uptight spit polished boots, unless you’re going to a funeral. These boots here are Durango Slouch Boots, my footwear of choice when rollin’ 1880s style.

The Hat

The Cowboy Hat can easily make you look like a douchebag. Guys, don’t wear it inside. Don’t wear it often, unless you work in the sun wrangling cattle. There’s not much occasion for city-folk to wear the hats, so I say if you have to leave something out, forget the hat. But, if you want one, go with something simple and light in color and avoid straw.

So there you have it, a quick and easy guide to going old school Cowboy. There’s not many looks that are more masculine, so when you’re ready to cowboy up, grab these articles and hop in the saddle. The ladies dig it, and the men respect it. Now all you need is to grow that mustache.