Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; you should be ashamed.  That’s right, this is the internet column that makes us all look bad.  And by us, I don’t mean film critics, but rather any responsible film-watcher/eater of food.  Each week I shake and bake my favorite bad movies for your reading displeasure.  These movies are very un-bueno but have a certain indefinable quality that makes them impossible not to love.  Actually, if that quality still comes across as undefinable after you read the piece, I really haven’t done my job have I?  To add extra awesome sauce to your Friday, each week I pair the film with an appropriate snack food that promises to ruin your beach season.  This week we take flight with none other than Con Air.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; perpetually full.  This is the weekly column that begs the question, “why don’t they just cut off that Salisbury kid’s fingers?!” Each and every Friday I wheel out the very finest, most choice terrible films and force you to sit there and smile as I sing their praises.  Despite what certain recent exposé articles may have espoused, I did not suffer a major head injury trying to recreate the parkour scene from Casino Royale.  Therefore I still have the cognitive capacity to understand exactly why these films are bad, but sometimes we partake of things we know are bad for us.  To that end, I will pair each film with a junkfood item on which you can gorge while you watch the film and bid adieu to each dying brain cell. Brace yourselves this week kiddos, our foray into the unrefined brings us far too close to Vampire’s Kiss.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; the only place where second helpings are mandatory. This is the first internet movie column to be firebombed by the American Heart Association, but at least we are fully, suspiciously, endorsed by Fat Guys at the Movies. Every week I bring the best of the worst in cinema from all corners of the globe (except everywhere that’s not America, Italy, or Canada) and regale you with their many faults. But the truth is these movies have graduated beyond guilty pleasures for me because I feel absolutely no shame at all in my love for them (I’m pretty sure I just plain have no shame left but that’s another discussion). I will also pair each film with a food item that has absolutely no business being part of your diet to emphasize the so-bad-it’s-good quality of the films. Today we kick-punch our way through the inter-dimensional travesty that is Mortal Kombat.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; because you’re worth it. This is the internet column that makes all other internet columns look great in their skinny jeans. Every week I dust off the least impressive movies I can find, routinely from my own collection, and as you sit astounded, I have the audacity to talk about how much I love these cinematic disasters.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; official sponsor of the World Cup… of competitive eating. Yes I’m sorry to say you have just stumbled upon the secret to Roger Ebert’s stunning physique. Every week I occupy your time with some of the trashiest, cheesiest, crappiest, or sleaziest (I’m writing a Junkfood Cinema theme song) films from my personal collection. These are not the films you brag about owning, unless you are me, but they still offer some measure of guilty entertainment value.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; eat up while it’s still free! If you are unfamiliar with this column, congratulations on retaining all of your IQ points. Junkfood Cinema is where, every week, I bring the cinematic pain in the form of some truly bad films. While these movies lack a certain…everything, there are aspects of each of them that I can’t help but enjoy.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema: the worst part of your weekend. Every Friday I assault your sense of cinematic decency by serving up some truly awful films. These are the movies you would happily leave at the bottom of the dollar bin at that truck stop in northern Iowa, but for which I harbor great fondness. I will breakdown exactly what makes these films so bad but also what makes them hurt so good. As if that weren’t enough, I will also select a custom snack food to complement the film and add to your waistline what I subtract from your IQ.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; the burning means it’s working. This is the weekly movie column that does its small part to battle piracy by highlighting several films no one in their right mind would ever want to download.

Some people have film tastes that cater to the more obscure, auteur, artistically meritorious titles while others have tastes that lean toward the more mainstream award fodder. There are still others who have…taste at all. And then there’s me!

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; what you crave. Every week, inexplicably, I revisit Planet Schlock and return to Earth with a few nuggets of awful from the planet surface. I then batter them in unchecked adoration and self-loathing and deep fry them in snark.

This week we sample each of The 7 Faces of Dr. Lao. This “kids” movie from 1964 tells the story of a mysterious Chinese man who wanders into a small town in the old west with his traveling circus.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; running out of jokes since early this morning. Every week I wax geeky over my favorite movies that earn few to no marks for quality but never fail to please at least one insane fan: me.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; this time we mean it. This is the internet’s biggest assault on health and public safety. Every week I carelessly brandish a loaded bad film in a crowded cyberspace with no regard to the welfare of impressionable young readers.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; gaining strength as we gain weight. If you have any special dietary needs or restrictions please don’t hesitate to inform the management…so they can forcibly remove you from the room.

Our intention is to expand so-bad-it’s-good into the more irresponsible realm of so-bad-it’s-fattening by offering up movie-related junkfood to complete the film-watching experience. This month’s theme is lesser superhero films and today’s is a real treat: The Rocketeer!

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema. Every week Brian Salisbury normally force-feed you hot spoon-fulls of hot garbage from his personal celluloid landfill, but today Kevin Kelly is stepping in to blast your eyeballs and clog your arteries.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; who knew reading could be hazardous to your health? Take that elementary school librarians! In a ceaseless assault on I.Q.’s across the nation, every week I bring you samplings from the bad film elite and break down exactly where they failed to meet traditional standards of cinema quality.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; condiments upon request. If you are unfamiliar with JFC, you lucky bastard, this is the weekly column in which I serve up some of the cheesiest, gooiest schlock I can find.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema… The more astute among you (and possibly Jeff H Hall too) may have already noticed something a bit different about this week’s installment. But for the slower readers, it comes with a heavy heart and empty stomach that I have to report the following news. I am not Brian Salisbury. I know. It came as a shock to me as well.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; the other white meat. Yes, this is the questionable truck-stop diner of the information super highway. Each week I serve up greasy, fattening cinematic Grand Slams in the hopes that your otherwise healthy viewing habits may be corrupted.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema: voted #1. Every week I force-feed you hot spoon-fulls of hot garbage from my personal celluloid landfill. These stinkers may have fallen short of technically proficient from the time their scripts were greenlit, but they nevertheless occupy a special, greasy part of my heart.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; if you’re dieting, you’re failing. Every week I bring you the films that inspire you, uplift your spirits, challenge your principals, and leave an indelible mark on your consciousness. On a completely unrelated note, I am a dirty, rotten liar.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; now part of the physical education curriculum for the Milwaukee Public School System. Every week I bring you the absolute best of the absolute worst films ever made.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; because you couldn’t find anything better to do. Junkfood Cinema is the only bad movie column to have been letter-bombed by a radical faction of supermodels.

Oh holy hell, lock up the granola and put on your novelty bibs because it’s time for another obnoxiously tall helping of Junkfood Cinema! This is the only column on the internet that spawned a Mothers Against Drunk Driving offshoot called MAJFC; doesn’t really have the same ring to it does it?

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema: now with zero Trans fat! It may not add inches to your waistline, but recent research indicates that reading this column can cause a layer of processed cheddar to coat your cerebrum.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; the column that has elevated me to public enemy number one with the State Department of Health! Every week I make an absolute pig of myself scarfing down heaping helpings of bad films that I can’t help but love. I will also provide the perfect, decadent snack to complement the viewing experience. Because if there is one thing that goes great with junkfood, it’s sitting on our asses for extended periods of time right? Ok, Health Department, I understand now why you hate me. So grab a seat, grab and fork, and let’s dig into this week’s entry: Rocky IV. If you aren’t familiar with this film franchise then let me be the first to welcome you back to Earth after what was clearly a 35 year exploration of the outer regions of space. Rocky, the original, is the ultimate underdog story about a boxer with a lot of talent and a lot of heart who cannot catch a break. When he is finally given the chance to prove himself, he does so to a degree that shocks the world. The sequel, Rocky II, is the story of that same underdog chasing redemption. Rocky III is about professional wrestlers and Mr. T. By the time we get to Rocky IV, we have already taken a healthy detour from the spirit of the original film and end up in a land of Commie giants, robot servants, and montages. The premise is that an unequivocally enormous boxer arrives [...]

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; home of the Whopper. Actually no, but every week I dive head-first into the quadruple celluloid cheeseburgers that we all love despite the crippling heart burn that results.

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; the column that raises the issue of cerebral obesity and its underlying causes.

Being that Christmas Day falls perfectly on a Friday this year, the junkfood-iest day of the week, I could not pass up the opportunity to mock a Christmas movie.