Film School Rejects » Humor

Watch This: The Star Trek Gag Reel

Neil Miller — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:09:52 +0000

After I sat him down this past weekend and made him watch it several times, Pete at /Film went out this afternoon and found a YouTube version of the gag reel from the Star Trek Blu-ray and DVD, which hit stores today. As we found out, this is one of the single best gag reels I’ve ever seen on a major DVD release. Usually, the gag reel is just a series of clips in which actors are breaking scene with laughter, etc. With the Star Trek reel, the folks behind the production have put together a narrative of sorts, showing off just how much fun was had in the making of this film.

Check it out for yourself below. And don’t forget to read my in-depth review of Star Trek on Blu-ray.

Watch This: Everyone Poops, Spike Jonze Style

Neil Miller — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 18:37:30 +0000

This morning while recording the latest episode of Fat Guys at the Movies, I was alerted by my colleague Kevin Carr of a video — a video of the internet variety — that I had not yet seen. This is odd, as Kevin is usually the last person to know about awesome videos such as this. But hey, I can’t complain, as we here at Reject HQ have been on Fantastic Flu watch all week, so we’re a bit disconnected. So if you’ve seen this video already, I apologize. This one goes out to the folks who have been as out of the loop as myself the past few days…

The folks at Landline TV have put together a spoof of the Where the Wild Things Are trailer called “Everyone Poops.” It is based on the popular children’s book “Everyone Poops,” by Taro Gomi. It follows the story of a young girl who is discovering something special about herself…

Where the Wild Things Are opens on October 16th.

Review: The Informant!

Brian Salisbury — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 00:00:58 +0000

Matt Damon is an actor whom I thoroughly enjoy shelling out box office cash to see. At the risk of revealing my less-than-covert man crush on him, I really think Damon has developed an incredibly solid body of work in American cinema because he took the time and put in the work. I guess that is the actor in me admiring a movie star who still cares about the character work, but it is something that seems lacking in a majority of the blockbuster set. It is awesomely cruel to chart the careers of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck post Good Will Hunting. You could make a drinking game out their inversely proportional film choices. For every Bourne Identity there is a Reindeer Games; for every Ocean’s 11, a Gigli. Speaking of Ocean’s 11, I’m here to talk about the newest Soderbergh/Damon collaboration. Wow, that was quite possibly the worst segue of all time. Regardless, their newest coupling is called The Informant! and it opens nationally Friday.

I’m not going to go into much detail as far as the plot is concerned. What I found to be so much fun about this film was watching the disastrous events unfold and then spiral out of control. Suffice it to say that a mid-level executive at a corn refining company named Mark Whitacre (Matt Damon) gets wind of illegal price controlling practices in which his company is engaging on an international level. He gets the FBI involved in the matter, and suddenly this witless goon becomes the key to a monumental government investigation. The whole film is a comedy of errors that ricochets into some very odd places.

I dug this movie quite a bit. It is a brilliant character study, and Damon’s ability to inhabit an unremarkable shlub is mesmerizing. Particularly spectacular was his regular Joe inner monologue. He’d be walking around his home office when suddenly an idea for the greatest mystery television series this side of “Murder She Wrote” would pop into his thoughts. It was a hilarious brand of stream of consciousness that provided the humor to juxtapose the banality of this man’s everyday life. Damon brings so much empathy and honesty to this shmuck who gets a tiny taste of corporate fraud and immediately believes he’s James Bond. The hallmark of his performance comes just toward the end in a scene where the character’s soul is bared, and you understand fully the complexity and genius of Damon’s work.

What I really enjoyed about The Informant! is it employs the same absurdist treatment of intelligence and government infrastructure as Burn After Reading. Whitacre cannot seem to handle even the simplest tasks if there’s a modicum of intrigue attached. He narrates all his movements while wearing a wire, he adjusts hidden tape recorders in his briefcase in the middle of a meeting, and he blabs everything to anyone who will listen. He is a walking, talking epic fail. It speaks volumes about how intelligence gathering and investigation have no contingency for the stupidity of civilians just like in the Coens’ film.

The supporting cast in this film is solid. Scott Bakula in particular shines as the stern but endearing FBI agent assigned to Whitacre’s case. Joel McHale, of E! network’s “The Soup” fame, turns in a surprisingly serious performance as Bakula’s partner. He is the far more hard-nosed agent and he is funny, but only in his facial reactions to the events of the film; he utters not joke one. There are also a number of cameos from veteran character actors and comedians that you’ve seen before but whose names may escape you. Scott Adsit, Clancy Brown, Melanie Lynskey, and Patton Oswalt all add their capable touches to the film.

The film is not without flaw. Steven Soderbergh does get very experimental in both pacing and framing of individual shots. I have heard several people make reference to the versatility of Steven Soderbergh; one colleague going so far as to call him the most versatile American director working today. I am in complete agreement with this sentiment and I think the variety of his cannon attests to this. That being said, I do not like all of Soderbergh’s films and some of them are down right unwatchable. But I think Soderbergh faces a double-edged sword in that if he only made the films at which he truly excelled, people would eventually consider him a one trick pony. But being that he is so versatile, he is going to branch out and experiment with foreign substances and sometimes he will fail. But I applaud him for refusing to be confined to a box even though this film does suffer slightly for it.

Creepy Photos of Comedy’s New Legends, According to Vanity Fair

Paul Sileo — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 17:38:24 +0000

I have no problem with being biased, so I’ll say it-I love Judd Apatow, and I refuse to apologize for it. Since the days of Freaks and Geeks, I’ve followed and enjoyed everything with his stamp, and say what you will, but I loved every minute of it (to varying degrees, of course). Maybe it’s because I’m an awkward foul-mouthed geek myself? Who knows. But I truly feel like the Apatow School of Comedy manages to capture the real theme of raw comedic human interaction. I think this brand of comedy manages to walk a fine line, one where the characters are entertaining enough to want to watch on-screen, but also real enough where they don’t move into the realm of Laughable Eyebrow-Raisers (I’m looking at you, Juno). I mean, who hasn’t helped a seemingly hopeless friend get a girl, cheered on a buddy who is dealing with a life-changing event, or felt bad enough to hang out with your drug dealer for a little bit because he just seems to need the company (but also because he has the best shit in town)? That’s real life, folks, and everybody needs a friend.

So, if you love Apatow and his usual suspects as much as I do, your prayers have been answered. Which prayers? Why, the ones where you get to see them half-naked, of course, courtesy of the fine people at Vanity Fair. Titled “Comedy’s New Legends,” this gallery (below) features some beautifully-inspired photography of whom VF considers to be the important cultural heroes of contemporary comedy, with a brief discussion of how and why they have attained that status. Apatow’s crew is a large part, but veterans of SNL are also heavily represented. Flipping through the pictures, we see one of Russell Brand as Chaplin, Will Arnett about to shoot first, Paul Rudd doing a very convincing Gene Wilder, and Seth Rogen as an absolutely terrifying Frida, as well as shots of Danny McBride, Bill Hader, Leslie Mann, Jason Bateman, Anna Faris, Jonah Hill, Amy Poehler, and Jason Segel.

I’ve already admitted my love for the Apatow crew, but what about the others? Jason Bateman and Will Arnett get points for being in possibly the greatest television comedy of all time, while Anna Faris did a great job in Lost in Translation (though I never was a fan of the Scary Movie franchise). I’ve always found Bill Hader hit or miss, but Amy Poehler seems to be pretty consistent (at least on SNL).

So, interesting and creative photography aside, what do you think of this list? Any glaring omissions?

Clint Eastwood Reminds Us That He’s a Badass, And We Aren’t

Neil Miller — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 15:59:44 +0000

Clint Eastwood is still a badass, and I would go as far as to say that he will remain that way until the day he dies. At age 78, the 4-time Oscar winning writer/director/producer/composer/all-around badass is still getting rave reviews for playing a man with a gun and some unchecked anger. In his latest film, Gran Torino, Eastwood plays an aging Korean War vet who finds it difficult to live with a new community of Asian neighbors. And as I said in my review, he puts on his scowl, picks up his gun and goes to work as he has for so many years.

In a recent interview with Esquire, Eastwood took time to look back on some of the things he’s learned in his 78 plus years on this Earth, even going as far as calling out the current generations as ‘the pussy generation’:

We live in more of a pussy generation now, where everybody’s become used to saying, “Well, how do we handle it psychologically?” In those days, you just punched the bully back and duked it out. Even if the guy was older and could push you around, at least you were respected for fighting back, and you’d be left alone from then on.

I don’t know if I can tell you exactly when the pussy generation started. Maybe when people started asking about the meaning of life.

Absolutely perfect. Once again Clint reminds us that no matter how old he is, he would still kick all of our asses. Take that, Spike Lee.

[via Premium Hollywood]

Christopher Nolan Gives Us The Inside Scoop on Batman 3!

Dr. Cole Abaius — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 22:45:27 +0000

Editor’s Warning: Massive Spoilers Ahead. If you don’t want to know which actors are portraying which villains in the next Batman installment, stop reading now.

Even before The Dark Knight hit theaters, we were being bombarded with third installment rumors. Johnny Depp is playing The Riddler, Phillip Seymour Hoffman is playing The Penguin, Angelina Jolie is playing Catwoman.

We thought we’d get a reprieve from the madness at least until there was confirmation that there’d actually be a third installment. After all, if people are going to start rumors about movies that aren’t even green lit yet, we might as well be prognosticating about Weekend at Bernie’s IV.

But then the news hit that Rachel Weisz was being considered for the role of Catwoman, and we realized that we’d soon be kneedeep in completely untrue graft about Christopher Nolan’s possible followup to the most popular movie of the decade.

Instead of complaining, we decided to join in, so we hunted down some completely correct, absolutely true rumors about a film that might not ever be made. Feel free to spread these around to every single person you talk to.

To get started, I gave a call to an inside source very, very close to the production (hint! It’s Christopher Nolan*), and he gave us the scoop:

Dame Judi Dench will play Catwoman.

We have no idea where this Rachel Weisz talk got started, but we can confirm beyond doubt that the Oscar-winning actress will be bringing her 74-year old sex appeal to the feline role. After bringing her genius to Notes on a Scandal and her bad-assness to Quantum of Solace, Dench is set to aim somewhere for the middle after squeezing into the skintight leather-spandex hybrid created by costume designer Lindy Hemming. We’ve also gotten our hands on a screentest shot not meant for the public!

Johnny Depp is definitely involved.

In a shocking move, Christopher Nolan has to decided to fire Wally Pfister despite working with him on every film he’s made since Memento. The rumor that Depp is involved is true, but he won’t be donning The Riddler costume – he’ll be getting behind the camera as the Director of Photography for the first time ever in his career to create the aesthetic vision for the film.

Ewan MacGregor will play the main villain.

Hiring a veteran actor to join the Nolan-verse is a strong move, but Nolan is going one step further by hiring a veteran actor to renew a role he’s already played. That’s right! The Dark Knight will face off against Obi-Wan Kenobi in an epic battle for the soul of Gotham. Purists will probably scoff at the inclusion of a character from Star Wars and the unfair advantage that a light saber gives Kenobi, especially when the Batman list of villains is so impressive. That’s why:

Doug Jones will play the minor villain.

After admiring his work with CGI and make-up, Nolan has cast Doug Jones to play Scarface – featuring a revolutionary costume that will make him look realistically like he’s made from wood. No word yet on who will play The Ventriloquist, but there’s a mini-rumor that the movie will end with a giant metal version of Scarface standing in the doorway ominously (which should spark its own rumor that the gang is gearing up for a fourth installment).

The Gang is gearing up for a fourth installment.

Not only is it a guaranteed go, it’s going to be split into seven 4-hour movies, making the fourth installment a full 28-hours long. There are no rumors yet regarding the film, but expect an avalanche of them soon – including the fact that it will feature over a dozen villains, Alfred’s sex change, and Batman’s death at the hands of his own father who faked his death all those years ago and also happens to be a witch doctor.

That’s all we’ve got for now! Feel free to spread them around the internet as if they’re true. Since they are. At least our source claims they are, and they seem, like, so totally realistic to us.

*Christopher Nolan is my next-door neighbor who runs his own, very successful, insurance firm. Oddly enough, I also had a professor in college named Tom Hanks.

Wahlberg on SNL: Say Hello to Your Mother for Me

Neil Miller — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 20:19:17 +0000

I’m sure that many of you had a chance to see the Sarah Palin appearance on Saturday Night Live last night, but the Moose-hunting Vice Presidential candidate’s appearance was overshadowed by a special guest appearance from Mark Wahlberg, who came on to threaten to break Andy Samberg’s big, beautiful nose. Have a look at the clip below, courtesy of Hulu.

Also, no matter where you lean politically, Amy Poehler’s rap during Weekend Update was absolutely hysterical. You have to love the Eskimos.

And finally, I wanted to share a few other thoughts about last night’s episode of SNL. First of all, other than the two clips above, it was a mostly terrible episode. I feel very bad for Josh Brolin, who never really had a funny moment of his own. Was it just me, or did it feel like they only did two different Brolin-centric skits, they just did it 4 times a piece? As well, did anyone else watch all the way to the end? What happened to Josh Brolin at the end? There was no closing speech, just music and an awkward pause. It was about the most odd thing I’ve seen in a long time. That said, if you missed it, just watch the two clips above — that’s all that was worth watching anyway.

Flesh Starved: Seven Ideas for George Romero’s Next Zombie Flick

Robert Fure — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 09:00:30 +0000

George A. Romero is a talented filmmaker who has some original ideas, except maybe when it comes to naming his films. Take a time of day or a noun and add “of the Dead” after it, and you’re well on your way to creating the next installment. With that thought in mind and the recent announcement of his newest film, we decided to throw Romero a bone and lighten his load by coming up with a list of titles and plots for his next seven films.

1. Drumline of the Dead – In an effort to connect with a young, urban audience, Romero makes the mistake of integrating hip-hop culture with Zombies and inner-city social commentary with disastrously bad results.

2. Spoof of the Dead – An unauthorized installment that has nothing to do with George A. Romero, but mistakenly gets attributed to him (like the Day of the Dead remake), this is the inevitably approaching spoof of Zombie films from the same assholes who make Epic Movie and that trash.

3. Office of the Dead – After the stinging failures of the above mentioned “of the Dead” films, Romero returns to form. In this modern, white collar Romero film, the infestation has overrun the business world. Mindless drones mill around the office space, devouring the weak and preying on former competitors. In the climax, Romero’s social commentary explodes across the screen as its revealed that there wasn’t a single zombie in the entire film, merely corporate sharks and mindless, soulless worker-drones.

4. Drug of the Dead – Setting his sights on health care, drug use, and pharmaceutical companies, a new breed of wonder drug, helpful in curing everything from AIDS to cancer, has unintended side effects when those treated with the disease finally die they return to life to feast on the flesh of the untreated. Somewhat of a new step for Romero, as the Zombies this time represent the rich elite and the victims are the poor; somewhat of a reversal from his normal portrayals.

5. March of the Dead – In this installment, Romero would take aim at the border crisis and immigration control issues in the United States. The Zombie hordes would slowly have grown and multiplied and, with supplies running low, the human survivors would lack the ability to continue waging war and would instead be faced with the eventuality of retreating and surrendering more and more land to the undead.

6. Twilight of the Dead – Sticking with the original Night-Dawn-Day title progression, Twilight of the Dead would be the last installment of the Zombie films, taking place far in the future where humanity has all but become extinct. With no food source and nothing to do, the zombie population itself has dwindled to near nothingness and the Earth is on the verge of being completely homo sapien free. Social commentary would focus on the environment and the harmful effects of men.

7. Birth of the Dead – Going back to the beginning, before Night of the Living Dead, Romero sets his sights on the origins of the Zombie plague. Dealing with the social theme of abortions, the film stands to be one of the hardest hitting, with visuals of baby zombies crawling out of medical waste containers and cannibalizing their mothers while still in the womb. The poster proudly proclaims Death Begins at Conception.

So there you have it, our predictions for the next seven “of the Dead” films. Hopefully the first two shall serve as a warning and never have to be made, but the others, I think, would actually make pretty interesting topics for Romero to tackle. In fact, George, if you’re reading this, let’s brainstorm on Birth of the Dead, I think we’re onto something, buddy!

Which of these would you like to see? What “of the Dead” movie can you come up with?

Harry Potter Meets The Office: The Salesman’s Stoned

Neil Miller — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 18:42:14 +0000

What happens when everyone’s favorite workplace comedy is cast with the characters from everyone’s favorite British wizard school? Well, this happens…

From the folks at Atom comes a look at JK’s The Office & The Salesman’s Stoned, Episode 1. I am going to file this under “Humor” but it is more along the lines of “mildly funny, worth a look on a slow day.” So, if you are having a slow day and you dig a laugh at the expense of Harry Potter, this should be right up your alley.

Books That Deserve Their Own Movie: Carl Hiaasen’s Sick Puppy

Nathan Deen — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 06:30:48 +0000

Have you ever had this thought while reading a book:

“Wow, this would make a really good movie. I know exactly who would direct it and who would star in it.”

I found those words playing in my head over and over again as I read Carl Hiaasen’s Sick Puppy. I read the book over the summer for a state and local government class. Yeah, my professor had a sense of humor. Go figure.

(For those who don’t know, Hiaasen writes for the Miami Herald and is one of the elite satirical columnists and novelists in the country. Oh, and he graduated from the University of Florida, which means that I am a part of the same fine institution of journalism that he once was.)

Sick Puppy is a pretty damned funny book, which is somewhat of a rarity. Many novelists go for the murder mystery field. To find an author who uses laughter as his page-turner tool and can hook you into a 500-page novel is a treat.

Sick Puppy won’t exactly draw more inhabitants to the Sunshine State. It captures beautifully why Florida is one the worst states you can live in today. Vacation, is the key word ladies and gentlemen. We can’t offer anything but the state’s beautiful, natural scenery, which we seem to be destroying a little bit of each day. But don’t write us out yet. We can still save the Everglades!

Oh, but the bad driving. That’s something else the book gets right. That’s a whole different issue; a disease that can’t be cured. It’s the AIDS of Florida. The further south you drive in Florida, the more beautiful the scenery gets, but the worse the drivers get also. Seriously, these people drive like they are in a car chase scene from a Michael Bay film. That’s scary to think about, isn’t it? But that might not be saying enough. They should just be sent straight to the frontline in Afghanistan and given a rifle because it’s clear that, like the terrorists we fight every day, they don’t care whether they live or die. Or better yet, they should be given an Escalade.

So, I’m going to briefly outline the plot of Sick Puppy, and by the end you should have a good idea of who the directors of this movie should be. If not, then it’s obvious you haven’t been to the movies lately and you thought the ‘s’ at the end of ‘directors’ was a typo.

Twilly Spree is an economic activist who gets so pissed off when someone litters on the highway, he decides to teach that person a lesson by tailgating his/her car bumper to bumper for tens or even hundreds of miles. Palmer Stoat (don’t you love these names?) is a lobbyist trying to get a bridge in the works to connect to an island so real estate can be built on it.

Of course, Twilly can’t stand to see a beautiful island disappear in the midst of golf courses and retirement homes. So what does he do? He kidnaps Palmer’s beloved black lab, of course. Then he runs away with Palmer’s wife. Palmer refuses to take part in the bridge project until his wife and dog are returned to him. Meanwhile, one of the head people who want the bridge to be a done deal hires a hitman to track down and kill Twilly.

So there you go Joel and Ethan Coen. This is your next film adaptation. Sick Puppy is bursting with all kinds of dark, Coenesque humor.

How about the players? A young, eco-terrorist whose zany scheme is just crazy enough to work. I’m thinking Jim Carrey, although he might be a little too old, but they can always change the age of the character (please God, as long as it’s not Dane Cook). Ditto for Robin Williams as Palmer Stoat, although Greg Kinnear would foot-the-bill also.

How about the killer? Get a load of this bad boy: a relatively young assassin with spiked hair who gets off by listening to murder victims from recorded 9-1-1 calls. Sounds like a signature Coen villain to me. You know how those Coens like their villains to be quirky. And I smell a breakout role for Justin Timberlake.

If you’ve read Sick Puppy, who do you think should star and direct? If you haven’t, what other books would you like to see be made into a movie?

Meet the Most Entertaining Movie Blogger on the Web…

Rob Hunter — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 16:46:30 +0000

Sorry Neil… please don’t fire me. FSR may be home to the second most interesting movie blogger on the web (the debate rages on as to who that might be), but the number one slot goes to a newcomer in the world of online movie reviews. As good as we are, this new blog has a much higher LPP ratio (laughs per post) and it’s only a month old. Now I freely admit that I don’t know if this is a legitimate blog, a satirical poke at online reviewers, or viral marketing for an upcoming movie about dumb blondes. Several of the commenters on the site think it’s a joke, but most of them believe it’s as real as a blog can be. If it’s a viral marketing ploy or an intentionally humorous site then I say bravo to its creators. If it’s real then I’m simultaneously highly entertained and worried for the future of America.

Valerie Atherton’s Playground and Intellectual Department is the funniest goddamn blog I’ve read in a long time. She claims to be an eighteen-year old from Malibu, CA, who previously had a successful stint as a tween model and was voted Best Smile in high school. If that hasn’t perked your interest in what she has to say about movies, how about her reasons for starting a blog in the first place?

I grew up being told by my parents and teachers and friends that there was something special about me, that I would go on to do big things. So here I am! I have decided that I want to be a writer because I think I have a unique perspective on things (a young, hip perspective from my generation) and can offer intelligent things to be read. I call it Valerie Atherton’s Playground and Intellectual Department! Why? Because sometimes it’ll be silly like playing at a playground and sometimes it’ll make you stop and think about stuff.

The reason I think it’s worth sharing and worth giving traffic to is that there’s some fascinating movie reviews and critical thinking on display here that I haven’t seen elsewhere. Each of Valerie’s reviews is a gem of enlightenment and laughs. Take the recent war movie, Tropic Thunder for example. Did you know it was the first movie ever made about the making of a movie? It’s true, regardless of what you may think about Day for Night, State and Main, Adaptation, or any of the other films that aren’t about making movies. Or that jokes about obese people are “the same as making fun of people with cancer or without eyeballs?” Or even the real reason Robert Downey Jr. pretended to be a dude pretending to be a black dude?

I was able to walk away with a little insight into Hollywood because of this movie, though. I had no idea how few black actors there were in the world. In Tropic Thunder, there are two roles for black actors and only one of them is actually played by a black actor. Robert Downey Jr., of the movie Ironman, has to pretend to be black because not enough black people tried out for the movie. So, I really think Hollywood should open acting schools so black people can attend and they can fill the roles that need black people. That’s just my opinion, though.

Valerie’s Clone Wars review provides some history on the Star Wars saga as well as insight into the film itself. “The whole movie is about a war between a robot army and the other army that dresses like robots,” she says in what is probably the most succinct summation yet on the animated bomb. I haven’t seen the movie, but now that I know it’s filled with “openly gay slugs” and “warriors who prefer the use of glowing swords and magic to ray guns” I’ll be sure to check it out.

Since beginning in 1999 with Episode I-The Phantom Menace, George Lucas’ Star Wars series has been taking audiences (mostly boys) to a galaxy far away in space. Due to its popularity, two more movies followed: Episodes II and III. These were released in the theater. In 2004, three more movies followed but were sold only as a DVD box set and never shown in theaters… Who knows where this story will go in the next episode. Will the robots end up winning the war? Will there be any romantic developments between Anakin and Padawan? We will have to wait and see.

Not even the second biggest film of all time can escape Valerie’s critical eye. Her review of The Dark Knight is a masterpiece in its own right, full of wisdom and insight that shows her to be quite the knowledgeable Batman fan. She speaks of his supernatural and magical abilities including his super human strength and ability to fly, and that although he started in comics in 1939 he never found popularity until Batman Begins. “From then on, there was no stopping the Caped Crusades!” Valerie proceeds to give a complete recap of The Dark Knight with multiple “Spoiler” warnings strategically placed after each actual spoiler. I hesitate to actually quote more because the entire thing is just too goddamn perfect. Check it out here to learn about Batman’s sadness, The Joker’s desire to be friends with Batman once he’s released from jail, and how Harvey Dent’s rage causes his face to spontaneously combust into flame! Okay, one quote about Heath Ledger’s performance.

Everyone is talking about how amazing Heath Ledger was and I will be no different. He was amazing. Whether you liked him or not, you have to admire the fact that any actor that finds out he’s dying and decides that his last role will be a bad guy is pretty brave. I found it sometimes hard to watch The Joker, like when he was hunching over and his mouth was dry (anyone who has taken medication knows about the dry mouth), because it was so obvious that Heath was really sick, but kept going and that is what a true actor does who is dedicated to his crafts.

Lest you think I’m simply being an asshole picking on a teenager with a blog, Valerie’s been dropping her blog link in comment threads across the web asking (spamming) for folks to come play in her playground. She’s hit mostly other movie forums including Cinematical, SlashFilm, and Premiere, but has also popped up on Stuff White People Like. The content of her MySpace page is conspicuously lacking for an eighteen-year old girl, in that she has no real friends there and it pretty much just copies the info from her blog. While that hints towards a possible marketing tool, the blog itself has no single thread or outside link that could connect it to a future movie or web site. The responses she’s received from her self-advertising efforts have been pretty harsh, but hysterical in their own right. She also has supporters made up mostly of supposed family members and guys who want her to upload a picture of her tits.

Regardless of whether Valerie is real or not, I’m perfectly happy directing more traffic to her blog. She’s entertaining and at the end of the day, motivation doesn’t really matter. So if you’re reading this Valerie, ignore all the haters (but please don’t delete their equally priceless comments.) The fact that there’s so many of them only proves you’re doing something right. Not sure what that something is, although I know it’s not research. Welcome to the blogosphere Valerie! Keep up the entertainment. Maybe we can do lunch at Comic-Con 2009…

Chuck Palahniuk Would F*ck a Giant Panda Before He’d Save Your Child’s Life

Rob Hunter — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 19:18:26 +0000

To the untrained eye (and unjaded soul) the headline above may appear to be misleading hyperbole. But no, these are hard facts taken directly from the author’s own mouth. Palahniuk was in NYC recently to promote the film Choke which is based on his novel. Joining him were Sam Rockwell and Clark Gregg, the star and director of the film. BlackBookMag.com was on-hand for an interview and instead of asking the usual press junket questions, Ben Barna decided to mix things up a bit. He asked the trio which celebrity they’d choose to have surgically attached like a Siamese twin… which cartoon they’d want to live inside… if they’d rather understand all languages or breathe underwater… and a few other life-altering queries. My favorites, and the two that led to the headline above, are below.

If you had to experience the pain of being burned alive for an hour, but then you would save the life of child that you would never meet or know, would you?

Clark Gregg: An hour being burned? That’s my greatest fear. Okay, I’ll tell you what. I’ll be burned alive for an hour to save this random, stinkin’ kid. Is it a bratty kid or a nice kid?

Sam Rockwell: I know my girlfriend would say yes. I don’t know if I would say yes. But god I love my girlfriend. She’d probably say yes, but I don’t know.

Chuck Palahniuk: Oh, this is the question where I look like a phony asshole, or a real asshole. No I would not. That child can go live with God.

If you had to have consensual sex with a mammal, what would it be?

SR: Okay, I like that. I’m going to have to go with a goat. You can’t go wrong with a goat. That’s been working for years.

CP: A giant panda, yeah. It would be like plushy sex, yeah.

Curiously, the interviewer didn’t say “a mammal other than a human”, but Rockwell and Palahniuk still went immediately to creatures outside of their species. Certainly explains Cole Abaius’ obsession with the man doesn’t it? Check out the rest of the questions and answers here.

Choke opens September 26th.

Vicious Lies about George Washington to Hit Big Screen

Dr. Cole Abaius — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:40:47 +0000

As all Washingtonians know, the Washington Monument, with its flashing red lights at the top, is actually a robot that converges into battle mode whenever the Capitol is threatened or in danger. It’s not without reason, either.

The monument is also a to-scale representation of its namesake, General George Washington, the zombie-robot that would eventually become our great nation’s first President. Any history book will tell you of Washington’s exploits – from being built by mathematician Charles Babbage in 1824 to being sent back in time to lead the American revolutionaries to victory against Britain. Most historians agree it wore fake wooden teeth to appear more human and married a human woman – with whom it would sire a freakish robot/human halfbreed that would one day transform into the Federal Reserve Building.

Now, Hollywood revisionists are going to tell a very different story on the big screen. The story will most likely be filled with tales of his childhood in Virginia, his bravery in the Seven Years War, and his eventual rise to statesmanship. And it will all be penned by Nicholas Meyer.

According to Variety, Meyer – the scribe who wrote The Prince of Egypt for Dreamworks as well as Elegy and The Human Stain – will be writing the script for Vulcan, the production company that brought us the genius Hard Candy. Directors, actors, and all that cool information are unknown at this time.

Meyer is also writing The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt for Martin Scosese to direct and Leonardo DiCaprio to star in. Set for 2010, it will probably blissfully omit any mention of Roosevelt’s famous bionic arm.

Get Introduced to Les Grossman, Tom Cruise’s Alter Ego

Neil Miller — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 03:35:28 +0000

Yesterday we showed you our first online look at Les Grossman, the booty-dancing, over the top studio executive played by Tom Cruise in Ben Stiller’s Tropic Thunder. He showed up in the faux behind the scenes documentary Rain of Madness, which was released on iTunes for free by Dreamworks yesterday afternoon. But even then, it was only pictures of Grossman. Today, Paramount has released a brand new TV spot titled “Who is Les Grossman?” And as we had hoped, we’ve now got some online proof of his wicked moves. Have a look for yourself below.

Tropic Thunder is in theaters now.

Our Submission to Score a Threesome with Scarlett Johansson

FSR Staff — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 02:41:36 +0000

By now, you’ve all heard about the tastefully tacky advertising campaign being run over at scarlettjohansson.com that promises fans a one-in-infinity chance of scoring a hot, totally platonic, not-at-all-an-actual-sexual-threesome with the lovely actress. It seems that the marketing wizards realized that a hot threeway is the only selling point for Vicky Cristina Barcelona, and decided to go to town on it, despite the fact that, we hear, there may be no threesome in the actual film.

Nevertheless, Cole Abaius and Robert Fure have taken it upon themselves to enter the contest under the Film School Rejects banner, but they need a little help from you. We can’t decide which submission is better, so we’re looking for some feedback.

We won’t bias you by labeling whose is whose, but you can probably crack the code.

——————————————————-

Possible Submission One

Dear Ms. Johansson,

By now you and your team of underfed interns have sifted through the slushpile of geeky morons professing their undying love to you. You sit, yawning in the corner of the room as some poor sap spills his heart onto the page, and you barely notice the bloodloss. You’re ready for a real man. Well, that’s unfortunate for you, because, surprise, you’re getting two.

I’ll assume we need no introduction. By all likelihood, you’re already well acquainted with our faces, our hilarious writings on a semi-popular internet movie site, you’ve heard of our world famous Chicken Parmesan recipe and long to hear the sweet, sweet sound of our voices saying your name in person. You’ve been waiting for us as long as we’ve been waiting for the 1 in 100,000 (wink) chance to head to the movies with you.

Yes, we noticed the fine print.

So we sat down and created a single-spaced, one-inch margined list of all our talents and skills with which to catch your eye. Around page 34, when Fure added “Able to bench press 300lbs continually for 18 hours,” we started to notice a pattern. By the time I added “Can build steamship with bare hands” on page 65, we realized something:

You should be the one entering a contest to win a date with us.

That’s right. For one, because we’re men of such caliber, it feels so unfair to every other person out there that we’d feel guilty for dashing their sad little hopes by entering. For two, sitting in a dark room with you sounds great, but all you actually have to do is sit, watch your movie, and shake someone’s hand when the credits roll. Is that really how you’ll want the evening to end after you finally get to meet us in person? We thought not.

Scarlett, feast your eyes on this. We tried to break even more Typographical Design rules and make it even more low-rent than your announcement. We’ll be hearing from you:

——————————————————-

Possible Submission Two:

——————————————————-

So tell us which you think is more impressive. Think like Scarlett would. Get in the mindset of the beautiful, star, and dig deep for the right answer. We’ll take your opinions seriously, so be honest. Or not. We’re gonna end up sending in both submissions, anyway.

We’ll tell you how our steamy movie date with Scarlett goes. Don’t wait up.

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